Every week I receive many messages telling me their partner says they no longer love them.
They write wanting to know if there is anything they can do or is it too late.
Many are in shock; some find those words so hard to hear that they try to ignore them, hoping they didn’t mean it.
Some of those people who write to me have actually heard those words a year before yet have done very little about it.
Many learn that ignoring those words is a fundamental mistake, and I’ll share why as I explain what you must start to know and do.
Some people tell me they hoped they didn’t mean it but start to believe the real threat when their connection deteriorates.
Some will withdraw emotionally; some withdraw sexual connection and intimacy.
Some find excuses to spend more time away from home.
Others stonewall and only do the bare minimum.
Some end up in limbo, not wanting to stay, so they stop participating, but they don’t leave the marriage either.
So what do you do when the person you love brings those horrible words to you?
The first thing to know is this feeling isn’t new and, for them, has been a constant feeling for a while.
This feeling doesn’t happen overnight; saying this has been hard for them, but a necessary truth.
The journey to saying those words will have been full of pain and suffering for many people.
For them saying those words can bring relief as they believe this honesty will end their suffering.
Many want to hear that their partner agrees, and now they are looking at an amicable split.
Some will even take the blame and say it’s me, not you; all they want is their suffering to stop.
Their belief says their partner can’t be happy either, so I’m doing us both a favour by being honest.
Some end up shocked to see their partner fighting to keep the marriage, which can create real confusion.
Important: Know the stage you are in
You must understand what stage you are in before you know what action to take. I’ll explain what I mean as you go through this.
The first observation is to take their words seriously.
Even if those words are a test, it means they have had moments when their love has died or is in question.
So never ignore them as it will be a sign you don’t care, which builds a stronger case to leave the marriage.
This is critical: Be aware that you are no longer trying to stop your partner from leaving the marriage if they give you those words because those words are telling you they have already emotionally left.
Many people start the process of trying to stop their partner from leaving.
They might say:-
“You know I love you”!
“You know we are good together”.
A person who is no longer emotionally invested will disagree with all these kinds of statements.
Them disagreeing is another nail in the coffin; they are already looking for what’s wrong to build their case to leave.
The more actions that show you don’t understand them will build the proof that helps them justify leaving even more.
Some might think I know, I’ll do more for them or give them more of what I think they need.
This is also a mistake as emotionally disconnected people do not respect sudden changes of behaviour as it’s seen as manipulation and doesn’t help them back in.
If they think the behaviour is a means to get them back, they will know the behaviour won’t last, and they will be back in the same awful place again, so it’s safer not to trust it.
I remember one gentleman had emotionally detached from his wife.
Their intimacy was patchy over the years; historically he had complained at her lack of interest in sex, but in the end, he had emotionally switched it all off.
He had emotionally detached.
Seeing how removed he had become, she tried to save the marriage, using sex to get him back, she thought it would work.
Emotional detachment is powerful in his case; he was now so repulsed by her he had to stop himself physically vomiting.
Emotionally many have already left, even if they are still physically in the marital home.
So the mission isn’t to stop them from leaving; the mission is to attract or win them back.
This distinction is critical to understand if you are going to give yourself the best chance of success.
This woman didn’t understand what stage she was in
I remember one gentleman who had an affair because he was at the end of his rope with his wife.
She was naturally upset, but she was so focused on what he did wrong she couldn’t see she was bringing her upset to a man who was already emotionally out.
He wasn’t interested in protecting her because he was too busy protecting himself from her.
Her upset and fury had only made him run away from her faster.
She didn’t see his affair happened because he too was suffering, and instead of helping him back, she emotionally battered him until he left.
It’s so important to know the relationship stage you are in before you take action, or you could make matters worse.
Now the question is, how do I attract them back.
This is where the process changes for each couple and for each person.
What attracts one person will mean nothing to another.
The foundational energy is about caring for where they are, but your actions mustn’t be driven by desperation or fear.
Not bringing fear to the table whilst you are waiting for an axe to fall is challenging, but not impossible once you know how.
You see, when someone says they don’t love you, the natural response, if you want to keep the marriage, is fear.
The problem is that fear will kill your chances.
To get to the point to say those words, they would have suffered, and you must make what happens next about them and not about you.
Many people have come to me for help on their own to rebuild their marriage after their partner has said these words.
I have even seen a person leave home start up a new relationship, and despite all this, their relationship was successfully rebuilt.
In most cases, just one person is doing all the heavy lifting to get the marriage back.
It’s a mistake to think the marriage can only be saved if both people get the help.
This thinking is more proof they do not understand how their marriage works.
I’ll leave you with this thought.
This gentleman and company owner was complaining he wasn’t getting what he needed from his wife.
So I said to him, “If your customers stopped buying from you would you complain to them or yourself”?
He said he would complain at himself, so I said, so why is a life philosophy that works so well in your business different in your marriage?
If you want things to be better, the solution is for you to want to become better.
So if you want a better relationship and your partner is the one you expect to change, then you are in for a very long wait.
Learn how to take charge today.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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