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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“I’m struggling to love you!”

What do you do when two people have a love for each other but have lost the ability to be in love with each other?

It’s very common for couples to lose connection and not know why.

In today’s post, I’m going to show you what I’m seeing and what the solution is.

As you read below you will see some hidden forces that are stopping couples connect, the subconscious mind is very powerful and can with the best of intentions kill the very thing they want to keep.

So people in relationships can develop behaviours they are not even aware of.

So when I see this problem the first step is to help each person individually understand how their minds are blocking their feelings.

The mission is to discover what is stopping each person’s ability to fully invest in the marriage.

What I typically discover are two fundamental problems.

Their inability to invest is tied to their lack of understanding of their partner and this means they are attaching the wrong meanings to their partners’ behaviours – this is one place to start looking.

The other challenge is the wrong meanings will disable their ability to be themselves in their relationship which will also cause them to suffer.

Not being able to be themselves is another place to explore.

For many, the relationship can create a reinforcing energy that connects them directly to old emotional patterns and that can help them live in the wrong identity within the marriage.

Many people suffer from identity shifting.

The subconscious mind will see a problem and will shift them to live in the decisions they made many years before, many will connect to a time long before the marriage.

This will dramatically change how they show up in the marriage.

They simply won’t feel like they can be themselves, and many will feel very lost and this is a problem.

As you can see if this is happening at a subconscious level how will the couple ever get to it to solve it?

I’ve seen men lose confidence, some ending up walking on eggshells around their wives.

I’ve seen women become overly masculine/aggressive as she loses connection from herself.

She will stop feeling motivated to connect to him emotionally as it will not feel safe to do so.

He may no longer want to talk because there is no point.

The casualty for many of these couples is their sexual connection can become mechanical and for some non-existent.

This unhappy state can build problems where each person can become quick-tempered or harsh with each other as life isn’t how it’s supposed to be.

No matter how much the couples talk to each other about the problem as they see it, the talking will never solve this problem.

In fact many will find talking about this problem actually makes it worse.

It’s why I have so many people do the usual rounds of talk therapy without any luck.

Talking the problem out will never bring the breakthrough the couple need, education is required to understand the solution.

I’ll show you what I mean.

In some cases, people are protecting themselves not just from what their partner has done, but from unpleasant life experiences long before the marriage even existed.

This will mean they are today living in the wrong version of themselves within the marriage.

This identity-shifting problem is very common and very few people are aware it’s happening to them.

You see old outdated emotional patterns can be designed by undeveloped minds and the person running the pattern can be unaware they are running that pattern as an adult.

Can you now see it too? No conversation with a partner doing this will help, in fact, it will only send them deeper into their outdated pattern.

Patterns that are designed to protect the person do not want to be discovered, so they stay on red alert helping the person avoid feelings that will lead to any kind of vulnerability.

It’s why when you get close to a persons truth in this space, they are likely to respond aggressively.

I remember testing this with this lady, I helped her get close to her truth and she naturally became aggressive with me, as I smiled at her to break her pattern she became very uncomfortable as the pattern within her knew I could see it.

At a conscious level, she was embarrassed and apologised, but it wasn’t her fault.

What I have to do is help them see this outdated pattern whilst supporting their partner to create a safe environment for them, so they feel safe to grow out of this pattern.

This process allows the person to understand themselves differently and understand that this pattern is designed for protection, but for a very different time and life condition.

That means the protection it was designed for would no longer work today and could actually hurt all those people that person loves.

So a significant part of what I have to achieve is to help each person learn the identity they must live in to be of value to themselves and the relationship they want.

When people do this consciously they become the observers of their own behaviours and they will see the old destructive patterns appear.

Now seeing them they can make a choice that wasn’t there before and this enables them to repattern their emotional system.

They are now both freeing themselves to be themselves and they can swap their self-protection for love and compassion.

Now they are being themselves.

This is critical for each person to reinvest in a healthy way.

When safe investment happens authentic feelings can return.

This simple yet powerful process is why many people tell me that sex used to be a chore now they feel free to use sex to gain a deeper connection.

They stop making the relationship about them.

Some tell me that they used to look forward to their partner going away, now they miss them when they do.

Some tell me they now get excited to talk about their relationship now they understand it, whereas before they both retreated when problems strike.

The mission with all the couples is to help them build an ability to trust themselves to bring out the best in themselves and each other.

A couple who live in this space is no longer fearful of when things go wrong because now they know what to do.

Now they are a team where a far more exciting energy can now flow.

Category iconDestructive Patterns,  Marriage Coaching

"Clients have been kind enough to want to support YOU because they were once in your shoes"

Read their stories!

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Over 1000 Relationship Articles

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Head Office
10 Harley Street
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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!
  • “Identity Secrets”- Mini Post

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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