There are few certainties in this world, but many of us want the certainty of a marriage that will last forever.
The challenge is if we strive for certainty in our marriages, this need can without knowing kill a couples passion for each other and this, in turn, kills their connection.
When a person has a lack of certainty for whatever reason they can create distorted behaviours that negatively affect a couples connection and trust in each other.
People are looking for a love that’s certain a love they can control. The moment love is controlled it dies!
Here are a few ways the need for certainty kills their connection.
- They may be uncertain if they are enough for their partner so they hold back or become needy.
- They may be uncertain if their partner really loves them
- They may hold back in the marriage just in case it fails.
- They may be uncertain so they must control their partner in some way.
- Some people use jealousy or lack of self-esteem to control their partner.
- Childhood may tell them no one can be trusted so be on your guard.
- Some are far too certain what they give to their partner is enough to keep them in the marriage.
- Some wrongly assume they know how their partner thinks.
- Some are certain their problems will just sort themselves out.
- This list is endless…
So there is an important message that I want to share.
The way so many couples are creating their certainly is actually creating the very reverse of what they actually want.
You see once someone has agreed to spend the rest of their life with you that doesn’t mean the deal is done.
The deal is never done because that person can leave and in their 1000s they do, and at any age.
So many people are shocked that they are on the edge of divorce.
Some are shocked their partner has left them, some are aware they had some problems but ignored it and some had no clue it was that bad.
I’m not sharing this so people can now focus on the worry that their partner could leave, I’m sharing this so it can wake up people who are making their marriage worse without knowing.
True certainly for couples comes from understanding how to add significant value to each other.
Entering a marriage with the mindset of “what am I going to get” is going to result in the reality of – not very much!
Successful people in life understand the concept that adding value is critical for their success.
So how does a husband and wife add value to each other?
This is where the problems start.
Men and women are not connected on this at all – in every case I see!
An example: One gentleman said his wife gave him a list of things to do to make her happy. She had not been happy for a while. The husband who loved his wife did exactly what she asked, and she confirmed this in the session.
The wife agreed he had done everything she asked, but she wasn’t any happier.
This is a concept I come across every day.
I had to help them both understand the critical needs that would lead her to emotional connection and emotional security for her.
Many people become unhappy when their critical needs are not met but have no idea how to articulate them.
This is a significant frustration for both people and is challenging to understand without professional help.
How can you meet needs for someone when they don’t know what they are?
Adding value through communication…
Let’s now add in the complexity of communication where so many couples suffer.
Communication in an intimate relationship is not about listening and thinking you understand them.
Communication is about accurately translating the meanings that sit behind each other’s words.
Most people are using the wrong translation tools to understand their partner words resulting in them putting the wrong meanings on what each other says.
Not being able to communicate is a factor that creates a disconnect and a loss of trust.
This is why I generally don’t put couples into a session together until they understand how to translate each other correctly and then be of value to each other.
True certainly in a relationship comes from a couples ability to contribute to a relationship so it can grow in a meaningful way for both people.
Couples need to grow together through all life stages and no matter what life throws at them.
- Certainty comes from being a team and designing a purpose for being together.
- Certainty comes from two people supporting each other to find and be the best of themselves.
- Certainty comes from two people focused on each other rather than themselves.
- Certainty comes from being able to truly see what’s great about your partner.
Far too many couples are creating a distorted focus about their relationship, and this helps them protect themselves, and for many, this can lead to an exit.
Relationships are complex and showing couples a safe path to discover their truth is what I have dedicated my life to achieving.
For many couples who would have divorced a new understanding about their connection and why they struggled has helped them find a new way forward.
One lady told me, without this knowledge they would have divorced what helped her was reading all the success stories on this site it gave her hope there was a way forward.
I must stress that not all couples should be together, but that finding out the truth can help avoid years of suffering.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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