The biggest challenge couples with marriage problems face is not taking action quick enough. They don’t see a very real danger that’s right in front of them. They wait and wait until it gets really bad for both people and then they seek help.
The story your about to read is why it’s so important not to wait. If she would have waited until she was ready to get help they would have lost their marriage. He did what any man should do, he stepped up in a quest to save his relationship.
So this couple were booked in for an initial consultation with me. I had spoken on the phone initially with the husband so I had a little background on their story.
He told me his wife was very nervous and very skeptical that a meeting with me would do any good. I told him she would be looked after and to communicate to her my mission was to get the best possible solution for them both.
On the day of their initial consultation I received an email telling me his wife had changed her mind and point blank refused to come to the meeting. She said she wasn’t ready and it was too soon!
I got the gentleman on the phone and said it’s a shame to miss your meeting why don’t we run the meeting now over the phone with just you and I. He agreed…
On the call he shared his version of the relationship, as he was talking I could hear that his approach and actions were actually going to shut her down and make it far worse.
I told him that his actions were going to help her see him as a weak man and this had to change if he was to have any chance, he instantly agreed. To be clear he wasn’t a weak man, but almost any female would translate his behaviour as weak and very unattractive.
I offered him 4 meetings with me to deal with this specific problem.
He accepted and a week later he was in my office.
In this meeting I helped him understand why his wife would see him as weak, what was likely to be happening to her historically, what was likely to be happening to her right now.
I started to open his mind to her experience! Now of course I had never even spoken to his wife so I didn’t have her specific story, but years of experience told me that she needed him to step-up and be a man for her.
His actions were very likely to help her see him as not just weak, but also bullying and controlling.
As I shared the very real potential of her experience, what he started to see was another world appear, her world!
As he connected with the possibility of a significant difference in the way she would be thinking to him and how she would be translating his actions, he could see that for years he was making things worse for her.
As things had become worse for her, she ended up defending herself and detaching from him emotionally.
To rebalance this he became more controlling of her.
To help him understand I drew on the office flip-chart a model of her experience. I then put in his behaviours.
Instantly he could see what he was doing that wasn’t working and why. I knew his old destructive patterns were dying in that meeting as I explained the pain he was creating in her and what that pain would create.
He shook his head “I had no idea, so what do I do?”
I helped him then see how to react to her that would probably confuse her initially, but if practiced consistently would help her to believe he could change in a meaningful way.
I didn’t hear from him for a few weeks, until I got a message saying she wanted to see with me on her own.
So a very confused lady entered my office eyes darting round the room, she sat on the edge of the chair. “How can I help you?” I asked.
“I’ve spent years trying to change my husband – what did you say to him in that one meeting?
She shared with me the dramatic change she was seeing in him. How protected she was starting to feel by him, how important she felt to him, feelings she had given up on experiencing ever again.
I then shared with her the human behaviour model I shared with him about her experience of him. She smiled and said “He MUST come and learn everything from you” we both laughed.
As the session drew to a close I asked her a question. You were so nervous about coming to see me you cancelled your initial consultation.
She said she didn’t want to come to see me because she didn’t think it would make any difference, she thought we would simply go through lots of painful memories which would just make it worse.
She felt her situation was hopeless, thankfully she learn’t just in time she was wrong.
Many people can be stuck in their relationship because they are relying on perspective(s) that disable them. By helping individuals see there are new empowering perspectives, their relationship no matter how bad, can quickly change.
For every marriage with problems there is a window of opportunity and a tipping point, so don’t wait for the tipping point, take action today even if like this man you come on your own.
If this story has struck a chord with you and you want results please feel free to get in touch with us today.