You only get one life, so if you’re in a painful relationship and suffering, of course, you can leave them,
BUT!…
And it’s a big but!!! Before you go, ensure you are not part of creating the very problem(s) you don’t like.
You see, many people are part of the problem but don’t see it, so they create a dynamic they don’t like and then blame their partner or relationship for it.
One woman became so controlling of her husband that she constantly emasculated him and then blamed him for not being man enough for her.
A gentleman complained about their lack of sexual connection because she never seemed interested. He was unaware he switched off her ability to see him as attractive.
He didn’t understand how to help his wife become emotionally secure with him (which is a critical foundation for a healthy sexual attraction), so in response to feeling unsafe, she emotionally shut down and is now unable to see him as attractive.
It’s true many people stay in bad relationships far too long…
BUT, as you can see, it’s also true that many people leave relationships unaware they are part of the problem, so when they leave their partner, the same problem will likely repeat itself in their new relationships.
To be safe: Get clarity
Don’t do what the mindless masses do: don’t have an affair, don’t do a trial separation (without expert guidance), don’t sit in resentment until you’re so emotionally numb you don’t care what happens.
None of these are safe.
Don’t get stuck; get busy getting clarity by being curious.
When the relationship isn’t working, find out why.
It’s far too easy to make a mistake in relationships, and if that mistake affects children, the negative consequences can last for decades.
Their next mistake…
The next mistake I see people make is seeking help on their own with the wrong type of help.
The right sort of help will challenge the person’s thinking, while the wrong help will validate the distorted thinking and, in some cases, encourage them to leave the marriage.
One lady came to me telling me her husband was abusive. So when I explored what she considered abusive, what she was really experiencing was a man being a typical man who simply didn’t understand his wife.
If she called him abusive and “the help” agreed with this, it would easily lead her to self-protect and disconnect from the marriage.
An abusive husband is impossible to solve, but a husband who wasn’t designed to understand his wife could be educated and she could safely reinvest.
So, I had to teach her how to show him what she needed so he would understand.
She never knew her job was to educate her husband on how she needed to be treated. This is a problem in many marriages as each person is under the illusion that her partner is a version of them.
Your partner will struggle to have empathy for your feelings if they think you are a version of them.
For example, husbands hear a small percentage of what wives say; of that small percentage, they understand a fraction of what she means, and they understand nothing about what she doesn’t say.
Your partner is nothing like you, and until that fundamental fact is believed, the curiosity that’s required to help a marriage thrive will never be realised.
Many become disillusioned, so they choose a divorce, but this is a problem because a divorce doesn’t educate or turn people into amazing partners; it simply sets them up to make the same mistakes all over again with someone new.
As you can see, getting educational help that doesn’t blindly buy into the distortion is critical.
I have had many couples rebuild their relationship after being told the relationship is dead or over by the previous help.
I either see a misdiagnosis, where they try to fix the wrong problem, or I see that the helper has exhausted their knowledge of how to solve the problem.
I can’t stress this enough: people’s thinking must be challenged and expanded, and partners who act in odd or confusing ways must be understood, not judged.
Human behaviour is not random. There’s always a reason you just can’t use your own thinking to understand someone else’s behaviours: you will always be wrong.
You see, professional validation is powerful and must be used carefully!
If a professional validate the negative bias and perceptual distortion, it further confirms that the relationship is unsafe to stay in; it’s like the final nail in the coffin for that relationship.
It’s the same as going to friends for advice; they can validate the story someone is living in. But is that story the only story available to them? Is there a better or more empowering story?
Really good friends will not judge or offer advice, as they know they are unqualified to do so. Good friends will lend a caring ear.
That’s why we don’t go to cake makers for wealth advice; through years of experience, true experts will see many perspectives on the problem, but others without experience will only see their own limiting perspective of your problem.
The acid test
It isn’t just about what your partner has done or has not done historically because most couples have practised a distorted dynamic; they’ve become really good at acting out.
Where did it start? Who did what first? Who is right? It’s impossible to unpick.
So, to simplify the mess of two people out of control, any unhappy outcomes they have created in the past are the truth of the distortion, not the truth of what they are capable of achieving with the right help.
I see the loveliest people do the most despicable things to each other, and in most cases, it’s due to a total lack of understanding.
When you sit in my shoes and see the mechanics of what has to happen to keep a relationship alive for life, to be honest, I’m surprised people get as far as they do.
Most people only know how to trigger their partner negatively and blame them for responses they don’t like.
So, someone may not understand their partner well enough to be an effective partner.
Even when intending to be positive, they may unwittingly trigger their partner into a bad emotional state, which can lead to frustration for both people.
This outcome leaves each person with the perspective that their partner is clearly the problem, which, from my perspective, is clearly untrue.
So, unless you know how to trigger your partner positively, who is the problem now?
Look at this exchange with Cloe, my wife.
I remember many years ago, I arrived home after working with five couples in crisis that day – I arrived home very tired.
I walked through the door, found Cloe in her office, checked that she was okay, and then sat silently in the living room.
I could feel Cloe getting agitated.
So I asked her if she was okay, and she said yes, but I didn’t buy it.
I pressed her, but nothing clear was coming out.
So I asked her what it meant to her when I went quiet.
She said trouble was coming.
I smiled at her and said, “In my world, when I’m quiet, it means I’m happy. I’m releasing my busy day. In fact, thinking about nothing is one of my favourite pastimes, allowing me to recharge.
She said OMG, I never knew that she said I usually brace myself for a problem whenever someone goes quiet.
This is a tiny difference in meaning from her, but when you explore the magnitude of a couple’s differences, misunderstandings left unchecked can create such a negative dynamic that the compound effect of years of the wrong translation can have devastating consequences.
Consequences such as stacked resentments, self-numbing, and detachment are consequences of translating a partner incorrectly.
It’s why putting the correct meaning to situations is critical to a couple’s success.
What I see all day long is people putting the wrong meaning to situations for years, which can grow into resentments that accumulate over time.
So I’m all for two people leaving each other if they would be happier apart, but discovering the truth of their dynamic and what they are capable of achieving with the right information seems a far safer route to me.
Imagine breaking up a family only to find the same problem appearing in each new future relationship.
So, are you now interested in going deeper to understand what is possible for you? If so, Click Here now!
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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