You know the situation, your partner has assumed you have done something to hurt them. You try to explain that they are wrong and they have misunderstood you, but they won’t listen. Frustrated you end up losing your temper and now the problem is escalating out of control.
What started off as a simple disagreement is now a power struggle where hurt, resentment, disbelief and a loss of love starts to grow.
Both people end up feeling misunderstood and unloved.
If these vicious circles of destruction are allowed to grow the relationship will create a ping-pong of problems. These problems will help the couple to feel helpless and out of control.
Many couples are not clear on how to solve this problem and so exhausted they can give up brushing the problem under the carpet.
This brings it’s own challenge because the problem has not gone away. It is now dormant and bringing a naturally negative focus to the relationship which will get worse over time.
Just so you understand the magnitude of this challenge, I will help you understanding the process a person has to go through to feel their relationship is wrong for them and could help them have a desire to leave.
Before a person can decide they are in the wrong relationship they have to stack painful events, feelings and experiences and attach those to the relationship and their partner.
Once they feel they have enough proof their partner is causing them pain and the future looks like it will just be more of the same pain, they will then start to detach from the relationship emotionally. Once they feel numb enough they can then leave the relationship without causing themselves too much pain.
In fact the process of leaving the relationship can actually look and feel like pleasure (in the short term).
The vicious circles of pain created by couples totally misunderstanding each other usually help the couple to behave in ways that are totally the reverse of what attracted them and the reverse of what will lead to a successful relationship/marriage.
Interrupting this pattern is critical and understanding what you and you partner need to stop this escalating out of control is a fundamental skill for the growth of any relationship.
This ends up being a fundamental focus when I work with couples in trouble because these vicious circles can lead to a loss of trust. The couple lose trust in their ability to be happy together and that destroys any vision of a future together.
Every couple is different and so the couple will need to learn new communication skills. These skills will help them learn to listen to each other differently.
When the couple learn to understand each other differently then they will feel far more confident together. Confident that no matter what problems hit the relationship they know how to grow closer after their conflicts rather than incrementally dying over time as most couple do.
If you are interested to learn more please get in touch.