• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

New Clients: +44 (0)845 519 4808

Existing Clients +44 (0)20 3793 2829

Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

  • Marriage Breakthrough Program
  • FAQs
  • Success Stories
  • About
  • Appointments
  • Blog

Mastering marital conflicts & communication problems

If you want your marriage to work then it’s critical to get on the same page with this. If we understand the individual words our partner speak why do couples struggle so much when they’re put in a sentence.

Virtually every couple on some level know they have a communication problem but it can manifest itself in so many areas of their life that the real problem can become so confused.

Are we disagreeing about the problem or is it the way we are disagreeing that’s now the problem?

Many couples are experiencing the moment when they say something to their husband or wife and their partner seems to take their words and change it to mean something totally different.

This process can spark conflict as they battle with what was really said and meant. “…if you really think that about me then you don’t know me at all…”

This process is frustrating on both side and can eventually block the desire to communicate openly with each other.

Of course, everyone is different, some people don’t want to communicate because nothing good comes of it so their lives become transactional…

…and some people keep communicating the same thing over and over but are frustrated and in disbelief, they can’t get through so in their mind their partner is broken.

The key to effective communication between intimate partners is understanding the very different ways your partner is going to hear and translate your words before you speak.

Successful marketing people know they must understand how people will react and think to their messages to encourage more sales.

Marketing people want to align the product or service with the needs of their ideal customer.

Talking to your husband or wife is exactly the same process. You must understand your partner world to be able to grow the relationship to a far deeper connection.

This is the responsibility of both people.

Not understand your partners’ world creates a significant risk of triggering fear-based emotions that lead to loss of connection and potential loss of trust that lead to detached self-protective individuals.

You really must understand what your partner is going to do with your words before you speak to be in a position to move a bad situation to a good one quickly.

Far too many people are creating behaviours that are naturally shutting their partners’ emotions down.

This is a key skill to master.

In all my years of helping couples out of a crisis, I have never seen a couple that naturally has this skill.

What women need when they speak is totally different to men in the context of a committed intimate relationship.

At the start of the relationship this distinct difference can be hard to spot, but as time passes couples start to see a few cracks appear, the more time they spend together the more differences they’ll discover and these differences will make no sense on both sides.

I’m sure some of you have described your feelings to your partner and your partner has contradicted or dismissed you on some level.

What couples are not seeing is, when someone is sharing their feelings they are only sharing perceptual facts from their own perspective this is connected to their unique experience.

This is why two people can experience the same situation and put a totally different meaning to that event.

One example that could apply to some of you: I speak to lots of men in a marital crisis situation…

…I’ll asked him this “Have you noticed when you listen to your partners’ problems and you try to help her fix it – she becomes frustrated/angry/upset with you?”

“Have you ever wondered why?” So many men have this experience and are totally confused.

This is one example of him not understanding what she is trying to get to and her not understanding he has no idea how to connect with what she really needs at that moment.

At that moment she could feel he doesn’t care and for him, she’s unreasonable and badly behaved so for him this will create distance and loss of trust.

Couples communication is full of this kind of disconnect and makes them feel they are never on the same page.

Another example: When one person has a problem and the other disagrees it’s a problem this can make their problems far worse. Again what is really happening for both people here – most don’t know.

So now let’s take this a stage further – let’s say I (Stephen Hedger) am right and we are not naturally designed to understand each other’s words and each other’s meanings.

Why don’t we ask our partner what they really mean this will clear it up.

Here is the next challenge when I speak with couples it’s not uncommon for the person suffering to not understand the root reason behind their own words actions all they know is they are suffering.

This is why when people ask for new behaviours from their partner they rarely work.

I’ll explain…

Some women who are becoming emotionally challenged will know how to describe the pain she is in but she won’t necessarily be good at coaching her man to help her feel better.

He could say “just tell me what to do and I’ll do it”

  • Some women know exactly what she needs but he won’t do it because it doesn’t make sense to him or he could be punishing her.
  • Some women tell him what she thinks she needs but when he compiles it doesn’t work because she actually doesn’t understand what she really needs.
  • Some women really don’t know what he can do so they are both naturally lost – this can feel hopeless.
  • And of course we do get the – “if you loved me you would just know” – of course, men will never just know so it is a very unfair position to take with him.

These are some of the many models for couples going round in circles with communication and conflict.

You see you really can’t put a couple in crisis in the same room and get them sharing with each other their problems if they don’t know how to translate each other’s words correctly.

I can’t stress this enough. If there is no way to translate each other’s words it means there’s no chance of empathy and so there is no connection to that person’s world.

Lots of women are coming into sessions complaining of not feeling emotional security with her husband – many men have no internal map to connect to these words, what they mean to her or what he has to do to help her feel safe.

What I hope your starting to see is men and women are not naturally designed to communicate and understand each other, and when stress hits them the differences are naturally magnified.

The key is to know your partner speaks a totally different language to you and unless you learn that language and how their world works you are going to constantly be on different pages eroding critical connections.

This can lead couples to a painful disconnect and this can lead them to a loss of trust and this breaks the possibility of teamwork. Couples in this place can start to look at a future together that’s full of upset and pain.

For so many couples this is a lot of unnecessary suffering. All they are missing is a few key tools and a different level of understanding that will help them see their problems in solvable terms.

 

 

Category iconCommunication

"Clients have been kind enough to want to support YOU because they were once in your shoes"

Read their stories!

Recent Posts

  • Can’t live with you. Can’t live without you!
  • When a marriage breaks down – What do I do?
  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!
  • “Identity Secrets”- Mini Post
  • Committing to Personal Integrity – Mini Post
  • Men are afraid – Mini Post
  • Are you in a trading relationship? – Mini post
  • Communicating with MEN – Mini Post
  • From Stephen Hedger to you…
  • “Divorce won’t solve this…” – Mini Post
  • “He will remember it all forever!” – Mini Post
  • “She never knew this was her job!” – Mini post
  • Leadership Skills for Relationships – Mini Post
  • What makes a good partner? – Mini post
  • “Do you have good family values?” – Mini Post
  • “Which man should she choose?” – Mini post
  • “Did you enjoy yourself?” – Mini Post

Over 1000 Relationship Articles

Categories

  • A thought for Sunday
  • Communication
  • Destructive Patterns
  • Discussion
  • Infidelity-Affairs
  • Loss of Love
  • Loss of passion
  • Lost Attraction
  • Marriage Coaching
  • Personal Development
  • Rebuilding trust
  • Relationship Stories
  • Retirement Crisis
  • Save Marriage Alone
  • Separation & Divorce
  • Stop & Never – Mini Posts
  • Stuck
  • Testimonials
  • Top 10 Popular Posts
  • Uncategorized

 

Primary Sidebar

I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

Popular Posts

  • Women are struggling, but men don’t understand why
  • Built an Empire and lost a Family
  • Marriage in Limbo
  • Rebuilding Connection & Trust
  • Divorce Regret
  • Divorce Prevention
  • Resentment Stacking
  • 36 Principles For Success
  • My Wife is Aggressive
  • A Wise Old Man's Decision
  • I was in tears
  • Tourtured by the past

Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

Footer

Sessions currently held over Zoom

If you are interested in Stephens help please call his team on

+44 (0)845 519 4808


Head Office
10 Harley Street
London
W1G 9PF

Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

  • Marriage Counselling Alternative
  • Cloe Hedger (Stephen’s wife)
  • Marriage Breakthrough Program
  • Individual Coaching
  • About
  • Success Stories
  • Over 1000 Articles
  • FAQs
  • Mission: Vision: Values:

Recent Posts

  • Can’t live with you. Can’t live without you!
  • When a marriage breaks down – What do I do?
  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

Apply FOR HELP NOW

Terms & Privacy Policy      Copyright © 2023 StephenHedger.com. All rights reserved. Company No.08279028    Return to top