I have this question almost every day. They say “I worry we are incompatible” and my response is you might be, but what if you are only incompatible based on the distortion you have both created?
What if the truth is you are genuinely compatible you just don’t yet know how to grow that energy?
What if that is true?
You see genuine incompatibility is rarer than you might think.
There are some couples who have a needs structure which means they will always struggle without external help, you might be that couple.
It’s why one of my first jobs is to run a needs profile assessment to see where the natural struggle would be.
After all, if you don’t know what drives your partner emotionally how will they ever feel understood and supported by you?
But needs are just one of the many moving parts I need to explore to discover what is actually possible.
One challenge many people don’t consider is the possibility they have attached feeling bad to the relationship, but something else is that person’s real challenge.
Other couples have belief systems that limit them from feeling good. Feeling good for them is like the mathematical formula for an eclipse as they are patterned to look for what’s wrong.
Some are running the wrong identity in their marriage and it’s jarring their connection you see living in the energy of a CEO is not the right energy for being a husband or a wife.
What about the person who keeps disconnecting from their own emotional system feels bad and blames the external world marriage included? If your relationship with yourself is distorted everything will feel wrong, especially where any pressure exists.
What if someone is running a fear system that is designed to protect them, but does it in a way that collapses their connection? Most people are doing this.
Some couples run expectation models without telling their partner and then wonder why they don’t comply.
Others have rules for feeling upset, but have so many that being upset is easy for them it’s like they are searching for ways to be unhappy.
Some think their partner should think the same as they do and if they don’t the love is now in question?
Others attach meanings to situations under the illusion that is the only meaning possible.
Many have no idea what their role or responsibility is in the marriage so they lower their expectation of themselves and put the responsibility on their partner.
Everyone I meet has little to no idea of what creates attraction in their partner so without knowing they help them switch it off.
Not one person I have met knows what each person is trying to achieve when they speak to each other as bizarre as that sounds it’s true, so no wonder they struggle to communicate.
So with all this confusion are they incompatible? Well, with this level of deficit of course because everyone is if they do this.
But what happens when they learn how they are part of the problem?
The simple answer for you is I don’t know we have never met, but once you learn all this the answer will become very clear and quickly.
I hope you are seeing why it’s so easy to struggle with each other, love, attraction, passion isn’t a magical force that stays just because you are married.
These powerfully critical energies that are foundational for any marriage to survive have to be created and as yet no one person knows how this happens.
So sexual energy dies and if they are lucky they remain friends.
The result is resentment, and that creates fear that leads them into an incompatibility dynamic.
So it’s true most couples do end up incompatible, but only because they have mismanaged themselves and the relationship.
To be honest, it’s not their fault, most people are just doing their best, but with so much to change and a significant cost of getting it wrong, it’s why my sessions are packed with couples and individuals fighting for the truth, their truth.
Emotionally the cost of divorce is significant for every person including the children who do suffer significantly. Yes, the kids will survive but the emotional cost is there, but hidden ready to appear later, the mind never forgets.
There is the cost of splitting the assets and ongoing support in amongst the cost of setting up new lives which most don’t factor in.
Then there is the cost of meeting new partners and getting that wrong over and over.
Leaving a marriage doesn’t mean the person now magically has the skill to make the next one work but they never see it this way.
Leaving a marriage doesn’t make anyone an instantly good partner it’s just an expensive way to swap one set of problems for another.
The grass is not always greener, in fact, many suffer so much and go to such low places and in that place, they attract new partners who are attracted to them when they are depressed.
Others search for the polar opposite of their partner only to discover that’s the wrong answer too, this takes years to discover.
The foundation is always going to be wrong without learning and so the disaster then happens all over again.
Some repeat this and then so fed up with the mess conclude they are better off alone so they now have to live without the love only a committed relationship can bring.
Why would anyone put themselves on this roller coaster? Especially when the answers are here right now today for those ready to learn.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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