What do you do when the more your try to get through to your husband the more he either retreats or blows up.
Today’s post is about a lady who came to me stuck and frustrated. She didn’t want a divorce, but she was feeling lost alone and abandoned in her marriage. She was in a fight between loving him and protecting herself from him.
She came to me for advice about her marriage.
Her words came fast, almost tripping over each other, as she described the arguments, the distance, and the way her husband had been shutting down.
I listened carefully.
Within a few minutes, the problem she couldn’t see was clear.
I gently interrupted and said,
“Let me tell you what it’s like to be your husband right now…”
Halfway through, her eyes filled with tears.
By the time I finished, she was sobbing.
“That’s exactly what he’s been saying to me!” she said.
In that moment, she knew I understood — not just her side, but his world too.
The Truth About Why He’s Withdrawing
I explained that his withdrawal wasn’t a sign he didn’t care.
It was a sign he didn’t feel safe.
When a man feels that no matter what he does, he’s failing, withdrawal is his form of self-protection.
He will protect himself, but he will also protect the marriage from more destructive conflict.
If nothing good comes from him speaking he will stop.
It’s not logical in her world.
It’s not necessarily fair from her perspective.
But it is how many men’s nervous systems respond when they feel they can’t win.
In his mind, the rules keep changing.
If he speaks up — it’s wrong.
If he stays quiet — it’s wrong.
If he takes action — it’s wrong.
If he does nothing — it’s wrong.
The result? He begins to believe, “Why try? I’ll just make it worse.”
And so, he retreats to protect.
Two Worlds, One Marriage
I told her,
“It’s very clear you both don’t truly understand each other.
You can only comprehend the world you live in — and that’s not enough.
If you want to be an effective partner, you must learn to appreciate how his world is different from yours.
Because if you don’t, he will feel alone… even when he’s sitting right next to you.”
Typically when men feel they are failing at home they will seek out their critical needs outside the marriage.
Many meet their needs through their work because at least that’s doing something positive for the family.
The problem is him working hard, long hours will also be wrong for her, but without an obvious solution he is likely to ignore her and simply work even longer.
Men love to fix problems and feel very frustrated when he can’t, so to stop his suffering “the problem” he cannot fix will now be ignored and he will gravitate to where he can make a positive difference.
This lady was seeing none of his world, she was fully immersed in her own suffering.
This is the silent killer in so many relationships.
Not a lack of love.
Not a lack of commitment.
But a lack of translation and comprehension — the ability to truly step into the other person’s shoes and see the world through their eyes.
Who You Must Become
I explained that bridging the gap between your worlds is only part of the solution.
The deeper work is asking:
“Who must I become to be of value to this relationship?”
Because relationships aren’t just about fixing problems.
They’re about becoming someone your partner loves being around — someone who adds safety, excitement, connection, and trust to the shared space between you.
This isn’t about changing who you are at your core.
It’s about elevating the parts of you that bring out the best in your partner — so they love how they feel when they’re with you.
When she understood that her role wasn’t to “get him to change,” but to become the kind of partner who could invite the best version of him forward, she felt both relieved and empowered.
The Shift She Needed to Make
When she saw that his withdrawal was actually a plea for safety — not rejection — she was able to respond differently.
Instead of chasing him with more words, she could create the space where he felt safe enough to come forward again.
And in doing so, she stepped into the version of herself who added value to the relationship every day.
This is how one person can make a profound difference on their own.
If You’re Reading This and It Feels Familiar…
If your partner is withdrawing, shutting down, or “going cold,” it’s tempting to take it personally.
But in many cases, they’re not walking away from you — they’re walking away from the pain of feeling they can’t win.
The solution isn’t to push harder.
It’s to bridge the gap between your worlds…
…and to decide who you must become to be a partner worth connecting to.
Because when you make each other feel safe, understood, and valued… the walls come down, and the connection comes back.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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