When a person’s needs are consistently not met by their partner it can be enough for that person to want leave their marriage.
This doesn’t happen overnight it takes time, but I have seen this problem a lot.
A consistent needs deficit is enough to help the person feel they are not important, not cared about, or loved.
I have never met a couple where their needs are being met and they want to leave each other.
This is clearly very important to understand, but many have not thought about it or wouldn’t know where to start.
I remember a couple two classical musicians came for help and had no idea meeting each other’s needs was important.
The challenge is what are those critical needs?
- Some people have needs that can lead them to the feeling of attraction
- Some have needs that help them feel wanted or appreciated
- Some have needs that lead them to fulfillment
- Some people have needs that lead them to connection
- Some have needs that help them avoid boredom and embrace adventure or fun
- Some have needs that help them avoid emotional pain
- Some people have needs that help them evolve, succeed and grow
The list of course can go on and on.
What’s important is not just understanding each person’s specific needs.
It’s knowing no one will naturally understand our own needs because their needs won’t be the same.
What we usually find is each person is giving to their partner what they themselves need.
That process can kill marriages because both people can be busy giving, but no one is feeling cared for.
So each person has a responsibility to understand their partner’s world.
It’s also important to help your partner to become successful with you by sharing your own critical needs with them.
BUT do you know what your own needs are?
The biggest challenge I see frequently is many people don’t even know what their own needs are and so cannot communicate them.
I have many very bright clients who are stuck on this very point.
If this is you it’s important to recognise this is your problem and you must gain clarity quickly because if you don’t know, there is no question your partner will also be in the dark and can be one of the root problems for that couple.
So my message today is…
No one knows what you need because their needs are different from yours.
So understanding these needs on both sides is the difference between building a house on solid rock or building it on quicksand.
Understanding and sharing these critical needs is one part of the successful Marriage Breakthrough Program.