In today’s post I want to share with you something that is really important if your relationship is struggling or on the edge of divorce.
So week after week I sit with couples in all manner of crisis. Affairs, loss of love, power struggles, communication problems to name a few.
These situations are always complex in terms of how they have been generated, this means the couples are creating their very own unique path to crisis.
What’s simple to see is the trends all couples are doing.
One of my observations is people in or on the road to crisis stop being who they really are when they are with their partner.
What they will notice is they will feel good or better outside of the relationship with work or friends or children, but when they are with their partner they feel bad, again and again.
The reason they feel bad is because a natural wall of protection goes up when they are with their partner at home.
Some people are aware of this protection descending upon them and some are not.
So what is going to happen next if they do this? The person protecting themselves will start to disconnect from their partner as they practice protecting themselves each time they meet.
You can’t love someone and protect yourself from them – it’s impossible! So the love will start to suffer!
A typical amount of time is about two years of doing this before it becomes unbearable for that person and they have to say or do something if they haven’t already.
What’s not being seen is the real challenge.
The real challenge is when couples start to protect themselves from each other there is a ping-pong effect that makes both people disconnected.
What are they NOT seeing that is critical to see? Although they are disconnecting from their partner they are not aware they are actually disconnecting from themselves when they are with their partner.
This is painful and if practiced will create suffering for that person….
This is painful and not sustainable and so the person’s whole body is looking to change the situation. They want out of the pain and need to move towards pleasure, this is why affairs or wishing for a new life is so attractive for that person.
So when they are with their partner they disconnect from themselves and when they are outside of the relationship they reconnect to themselves.
This is critical to understand.
This process helps someone make an assumption that the relationship is wrong and so they can decide to leave, but this could be the wrong decision as they are solving the wrong problem.
So what the real problem here? The real problem is the person is struggling to be themselves when they are with their partner.
This is so important to understand, the biggest pain and suffering comes from not being able to be free to be myself in a relationship.
So rather than seeing leaving the relationship as the solution, it’s so important to find out what has disabled a person from being themselves with their partner?
The reasons behind this are infinite, but once understood can help that person make far safer decisions in their life.
Far too many people regret divorce and so many people just repeat the same patterns just with new partners.
If you are suffering then understanding the real problem is the most important first step to discovering if the relationship is right or wrong for you.
This is why I assess all individuals and couples before we start work. You see you can’t solve a problem unless you know what it really is.