Pain is inevitable. The key to life is who you choose to become when that pain strikes.
It could be the moment you hear your partner say, “I don’t know if I want to stay married.”
It could be the silence that lingers at the dinner table.
It could be the ache of realising you’ve lost the spark you once felt.
Every marriage will face pain. Not because it’s broken, but because two human beings are constantly growing, changing, and colliding with each other’s fears, needs, and histories.
Why Pain Isn’t the Problem
Most people treat pain as the enemy. They think: If I feel this much hurt, something must be wrong.
But pain is not the problem. Pain is the messenger. It tells you that something is out of alignment, an identity, a pattern, a need, or a vision.
The real danger isn’t the pain itself. It’s who you become in response to it.
- Some collapse into fear, begging or withdrawing.
- Some lash out, blaming and controlling.
- Some numb out, shutting down feelings to avoid the ache.
Each of these reactions disconnects you further from the very relationship you want to protect.
Who Do You Choose to Be?
When pain strikes, you stand at a fork in the road. You can:
- React from fear, making choices you later regret.
- Or respond from identity, standing in the values and character you want to live by.
The truth is, your marriage won’t be defined by whether pain comes, it will be defined by the person you become in the middle of it.
A Different Way Through Pain
If your partner is uncertain about the marriage…
If you’ve lost the feelings you once had…
If you’re both running patterns that keep you stuck…
The question to ask isn’t: “How do I make this stop hurting?”
The question is: “Who must I become so that this pain transforms me, rather than destroys me?”
Because when you choose to become steady, compassionate, and clear, even in the storm, you change the energy of the relationship. And from that space, either reconnection or release can happen with dignity.
Your Next Step
Pain is inevitable. The key to life, and to marriage, is who you become when that pain strikes.
If you’re ready to stop letting fear dictate your next move and start leading from the identity you truly want to live by then learning how to live live in alignment with your values rather than reacting to your emotions is going to be an important step.
You can always be looking for what’s wrong, you can see the world through rose tinted spectacles, or you can embrace the truth and learn how to grow from there.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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