• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

New Clients: +44 (0)845 519 4808

Existing Clients +44 (0)20 3793 2829

Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

  • Home
  • Private Coaching
  • Marriage Breakthrough Program
    • Couples Coaching
    • Individual Coaching
    • FAQs
  • About
  • Success
  • Initial Consultation
  • Blog

Patterns that crush peoples lives

In today’s post, I’m going to share some of the hidden behavioural patterns that can feel to the individual like critical protection, but in reality, this is like a ticking time bomb ready to create the very thing they are trying to avoid.

Behavioural patterns are really designed to make our lives easier so we don’t think about them. And many patterns such as what shoe to put on first is not something we need to think about.

The dangerous pattern is the ones we create to avoid painful situations but in reality, these ill-formed outdated patterns actually create the very thing these people are trying to avoid.

Below are a few examples.

This man rolled over and let his wife take control of everything in their marriage – in his mind happy wife happy life. 

Apart from going to work, he turned into a child with her.

He did it because he thought she wanted to be in control of everything so he helped her by stepping down.

He was unaware by taking this step she had to step up and become the man in the relationship and so she could never be connected to the women she wanted to be – she hated him for this.

She was left feeling she needed to get out of this marriage.

When a woman spends her married life holding back her love from her husband because she’s afraid her husband will not love her back what will happen?

In this case, she felt she was 100% right to have done so because eventually, her husband left her for another woman.

She failed to see he left her because she didn’t actively love him he never got to know or see the true her.

Her self-protection drove him into the arms of another woman.

What about the man who stopped his wife from being upset with him by shouting at her. He did control her shouting but he lost control of her desire to be with him.

The moment the kids left home so did she.

What about the woman who was hell-bent on leaving her husband. She had no feelings for him anymore. 

She was totally unaware that she had switched off her good emotions in her quest to protect herself from her husbands’ lack of care.

She was totally unaware her husband had no idea what she wanted and neither did she. All she kept saying was “if you loved me then you would know.”

She was aware she was self-numbing her bad feelings (she did this when she was a child), but she was totally unaware she had switched off the good ones too.

She was also unaware the good feelings would start to come back the moment she stopped protecting herself from him.

She moved out, and the self-protection stopped and all the good memories came flooding back her – but it was too late.

Another – a married woman was totally shocked when her husband told her he had to leave her. 

She learned that her husband had never understood her the way she thought. What he had been doing had proved to her he emotionally understood her but she was wrong. She was unaware it emotionally emptied him to the point he had to leave her.

This is what he did. Every time she got angry/upset he sat with her and looked after her, to her this was perfect he cared. To him, it was proof he was failing as she was never permanently happy.

The reality was he loved her so much his failure was too much for him.

What about the man that used his depression as a means to avoid his greatest fear. He was so terrified he wouldn’t be loved he created a pattern of depression to get love through her sympathy.

Naturally, as time passed she became worn out and emotionally emptied, and as he felt her love go he replaced it with an affair.

She found out and left him. So his fear pattern of not being loved created a need in her to leave him.

What’s the fastest way many men use to get over a break-up? He falls for someone or sleeps with someone else. 

This man used this pattern to deal with his anxiety every time she went out with her girlfriends on a Friday night.

He was so jealous and anxious about what might happen he would create scenarios in his head of her with other men. This resulted in him going out and sleeping with women that very night to rebalance what he made up in his mind.

The reality; she never looked at another man she loved him.

It’s not uncommon for someone in a marriage to totally change personality or at least this is how it looks to their partner.

The reality is if someone locks apart of themselves away in a relationship because they are fearful they won’t be loved, at some point that part of them can come out and be the primary driver for that person’s actions.

This can happen without any conscious connection to the consequences of their actions.

Affairs are a typical route for this type of energy.

 

 

 

Category iconUncategorized

"FREE Call with Harley Street Marriage in Crisis Expert Stephen Hedger"

"In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress."

Get Started Now!

Recent Posts

  • “Living with a problem partner” – Mini post
  • “Never be a dream killer” – Mini Post
  • “STOP making YOUR partners upset about YOU!”
  • “Never try to change your partner”
  • Retired couple in crisis “We should know better at our age!”

Over 1000 Relationship Articles

 

Categories

  • A thought for Sunday
  • Communication
  • Destructive Patterns
  • Infidelity-Affairs
  • Loss of Love
  • Loss of passion
  • Marriage Coaching
  • Personal Development
  • Rebuilding trust
  • Relationship Stories
  • Retirement Crisis
  • Save Marriage Alone
  • Separation & Divorce
  • Stop & Never – Mini Posts
  • Testimonials
  • Top 10 Popular Posts
  • Uncategorized

Primary Sidebar

Free Blog Subscription

Join over 30,000 subscribers who have looked for insights into intimate relationships why they work and why they don't. Weekly posts join now.....

Popular Posts

  • Built an Empire and lost a Family
  • Marriage in Limbo
  • Rebuilding Connection & Trust
  • Divorce Regret
  • Divorce Prevention
  • Resentment Stacking
  • 36 Principles For Success
  • My Wife is Aggressive
  • A Wise Old Man's Decision
  • I was in tears
  • Tourtured by the past

Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

About Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for consistently and naturally saving many marriages from divorce. He is a favourite of business leaders, business owners, Judges and celebrities.

Stephen runs his meetings from his office in Harley Street London and supports his global clients over Zoom.

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

Footer

Sessions currently held over Zoom

If you are interested in Stephens help please call his team on

+44 (0)845 519 4808


Head Office
10 Harley Street
London
W1G 9PF

Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

  • Cloe Hedger (Stephen’s wife)
  • Marriage Breakthrough Program
  • Individual Coaching
  • About
  • Success Stories
  • Over 1000 Articles
  • FAQs
  • Mission: Vision: Values:

Recent Posts

  • “Living with a problem partner” – Mini post
  • “Never be a dream killer” – Mini Post
  • “STOP making YOUR partners upset about YOU!”
  • “Never try to change your partner”
  • Retired couple in crisis “We should know better at our age!”

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

Apply FOR HELP NOW

Terms & Privacy Policy      Copyright © 2022 StephenHedger.com. All rights reserved. Company No.08279028    Return to top