What happens when a person has learnt (without knowing) a way to protect themselves from feeling emotionally hurt, but what they have learnt will never lead them to happiness?
In intimate relationships this desire to protect oneself is heighten. In intimate relationships we feel more at risk of being hurt than almost any other area of life.
In their quest to protect themselves I see many people running old outdated patterns of behaviour that was designed for a different life condition and a different time.
I see many people adopting new models of behaviour they think will protect them, but will only limit their life and make it smaller.
So individuals with the quest to be free using these patterns only find themselves more trapped because their own internal map is only set up for survival and not personal happiness and fulfilment.
What’s important to know is the mind and body of the individual is usually working together to protect the person, but the way it does it, either puts the person in a never ending cycle of misery, or can just help the person to feel stuck.
This process helps the person to suffer and so over time low emotional states can result as they emotionally empty.
In relationships most people see the primary fight is with their partner. What couples are not seeing is the biggest fight is with themselves.
You see it’s impossible to have a great relationship with another person if your relationship with yourself isn’t working.
This is why when I’m working with couples, individual time is extremely valuable in helping them reconnect with themselves.
So who are you, and who have you become in your relationship?
Many people find they have lost their sense of who they are.
People can find themselves stressed, depressed, angry, frustrated and this is who they have become?
Women can find they have become far too masculine and men have become weaker.
- One woman I worked with had mothered her husband for years and then complained he had become a child.
- A 6’ 7” rugby player told me that for him to experience passion he had to be swept off his feet by his partner.
- A woman told me that she expected her husband to do things for her, but she wouldn’t tell him what she wanted, but would be very angry if she didn’t get it.
- One man wanted calm so much he shouted his wife into submission under the illusion that now she was quiet all was well.
- Another man very successful CEO of major corporation couldn’t work out how he could get on brilliantly with 1000’s of women (his words) and yet couldn’t get on with his wife. It never occurred to him that he had become CEO of his wife.
One lady felt she had to leave the her marriage. We discover that the problem wasn’t the marriage she had simply lost who she was and blamed her husband for it.
By helping her reconnect with her true self she naturally became happier and reconnected with her husband as he learnt how to protect her.
You see there is no need to suffer because there is always a way forward.
Many individuals on their own or part of a couple are discovering with me their way forward. They are learning simple yet powerful steps to grow and adopt the tools needed to build the life/relationship they were born to live.