If you are having relationship problems it’s got to be one of the worst challenges life can throw at us. So in todays post I want to share some critical information that you don’t get told in day-to-day life to help you. So if you want to understand and fix your problems this little know philosophy is a must if you want to get on the right path to save your relationship.
So if I am working with a couple in crisis the reason I chose not to focus initially on the problem the couples faces is because their “problem” is going to be a symptom of a challenge in their historic dynamic.
I am always looking for this hidden challenge in their dynamic because this is the real key to helping them solving their problems.
You see if their dynamic has not been growth orientated leading the couples to more love, more security and more happiness, the couples relationship will always be on a journey to a slow death. When a dynamic is starting to fail then symptoms can start to appear as a warning that something needs to change.
This couple/individual at this point will hear the warning to change something, but what they try to change is likely to make things worse.
The focus on the “symptoms” is the real challenge for the couple.
This is because if the symptom becomes the focus, firstly the couple can spend months, or years trying to fix the symptom and not what caused it.
The result is they go round in circles which for many is so frustrating, so they either give up and leave the relationship, or they stay resigned, a shadow of who they really are.
I can’t stress enough how important this is.
A few examples: Infidelity is a perfect example. How fast is the victim going to focus on that event and how betrayed they have been.
Of course this is totally natural, but if they want to keep the relationship what do they really need to know?
What they need to understand is what dynamic did we create that lead one person to be so unhappy that an affair seemed like a good idea.
An affair is just one example: What if the couple alway argue about money, the chances are it’s not about the money.
What if the couples sex life dies, does it mean they have a sexual problem? Of course not, loss of sexual connection will happen if the couple create a dynamic that kills their passion.
I hope this is getting through because if you do just happen to fix a problem without understanding what created it in your dynamic another problem is not far away.
One lady was so fearful she was not loved by her partner she became verbally aggressive. They went to a professional for help who sent her to anger management.
A year later they landed in my session, when they arrived she was on anti-depressants and the relationship was failing.
She had been convinced by a professional and her husband her anger was the problem. The reality was he didn’t know how to love her in the way she needed and this terrified her. She didn’t want to lose him, in fact she loved him so much she became depressed for him.
He translated her anger as she didn’t love him, we discover her anger was because she did love him. This small change of understanding changed everything for this couple.
You see fix the wrong problem another will appear.
Stephen Hedger teaches couples the simple steps that lead couples to a safe and successful future quickly and in easy steps. For appointments Stephens wife Cloé will be delighted to help you.
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