When a relationship hits rocky ground and the future seems very uncertain. The couples natural reaction is to want to fight what they believe is causing the problem...
A lot of couples blame each other, so they assume that their compatibility is wrong and blame the relationship. They believe that this where their fight is, so they start the fight there. Seems logical of course, I’m not feeling good based on your behaviours so the reason we are in trouble is because of you, or we are just not a good fit.
Obvious solution, end the relationship!
That will get rid of the initial pain and open up the possibility of a far better future…however…
…It is likely that the relationship patterns will run again, and show up in the next relationship too. It’s not until individuals go through this a few times and a lot of pain, do they start to question what the real problem might be.
What if the fight is not the fault of the relationship…
…what if you think it’s the relationship and your wrong, who has to pay for that major error of judgement?
What if the behaviours in you, or your partner was driven from past events long before you met. This means it’s not the real you, or your partners’ true self, or your relationship that is the real problem!
Of course you still may not like their behaviours, but with a new understanding at least you know where to jointly put your energy.
There is a massive difference between the words – What’s wrong with you? & What’s troubling you and how can I help?
You see, it feels very different to battle a common enemy together within an individual than it does to blame each other. The emotional states that are created are very different.
Knowledge of the truth creates empathy for the internal battle an individual faces. This results in the interaction is itstops being judged so harshly and is replaced with loving and caring.
The problems an individual can experience in their past and the power it has over their future can vary greatly. The key is to understand it so it can be dealt with.
But what’s important is that when you consider your relationship and the problems you are having, logic may not be your answer. There is going to be much more going on than you are aware within both of you and not knowing the truth could cause the end of your relationship and possibly a future of the same pain, but just with different people.
It’s true, not all people are made to be together, but it’s a big gamble, with a big cost if you get it wrong.
My advice is this: If you are a couple in trouble find out the truth, if you thought your partner was wonderful when you first met then that is likely to be the true them. If they have changed it’s because they are now running coping patterns they created in the past, based on either a fear of life not being safe, or the way it should be for them.
The coping patterns are designed to protect them from pain, this is why it’s running, but because the pattern was designed at a different time, for a different reason the pattern will never work.
The result is their fear will become bigger for them, because the coping pattern is not working, they will keeping running it expecting life will get better, but it never does. This fear becomes their critical in their mind, it becomes their constant focus and the focus ends up creating the very thing they fear most.
Is this a possibility in your relationship or if you are single has this been happening to you?
If so help is not far away, get in touch today!