Today’s post is a combination of what to do and what not to do if you want to save your relationship.
The first action a couple has to take to see if it’s possible to rebuild their relationship is to take the pressure out of the situation.
When one person has moved emotionally out of the relationship their partner is likely to be taking actions they hope will bring them back in, most people fail at this because their strategy doesn’t honour their partners’ feelings which are powerful and very real.
These are some typical behaviours people are using that don’t work
Men can become domestically practical – He thinks if he does more around the home she will fall back in love with him. She might appreciate the help, but it won’t help her feel emotionally connected in the way she needs.
Women wanting to win her husband back can become erratic, punishing him because she’s hurting and then switching to loving him to bring him back in. This simply confuses him and pushes him away even more.
A person wanting to win their partners’ love might tell their partner “You know we are good together”. Of course, a person wanting out of a relationship won’t agree with that statement today.
“You know I love you!” Is another statement that can backfire. The partner may not agree, may not feel that love is real, or true, or their love is irrelevant if it’s not reciprocated.
A person wanting to leave a relationship is likely to create a story that doesn’t reflect your version of reality. Contradicting their story only puts you both on opposite sides of the battle. You need to get on the same side.
Talking about a great future together will also fall on deaf ears because when the emotional disconnection happens the trust will die for that person which results in your future together disappearing.
The challenge is when anyone tries to pull someone back into a relationship before they are emotionally ready these actions will usually be met with resistance.
So that’s some of the common actions that don’t work, so what will work.
If you want to help someone back into the relationship, understanding the pattern of thinking that enabled them to move emotionally out of the relationship is going to be critical.
What this means is you can’t use your own logical thinking to process their words and actions. Understanding the world from your partners perspective is critical because they are going to need to connect with certain feelings before they will feel safe enough to reinvest.
Essentially they will only come back into the relationship if they feel what they need to feel.
This means that the person wanting to bring their partner back into the relationship has understood their partners’ patterns of thinking that enabled their love to die, because that pattern is going to still be alive within them – that why they still want to leave.
By interrupting the persons’ pattern of thought you can change the way they feel and this has the potential to bring them a new perspective of hope.
All my clients are empowered to look for new ways to see the situation they are in. Many people create thinking that means only one outcome exists for them, of course, that’s not true and only limits the persons’ options. In relationship terms, this means their current thinking makes staying in the relationship impossible.
By interrupting their current thinking it opens up new possibilities for that person to connect with very different feelings.
Connecting with their world and their thinking is the first critical step.