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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Saving your marriage alone – Is it possible?

If your partner won’t attend sessions this post is for you, this gentleman ended up regretted his decision.

So I had a call with this gentleman and he explained to me his wife had disengaged in the marriage she told him she wasn’t happy and hadn’t been for a while.

I ask him why she wasn’t on the call and he said she doesn’t want to seek help, she doesn’t believe it would work.

He asked me if I had any tips on how we could get her to take part.

It’s like he was looking for the magic sentence that would instantly change her mind.

I shared with him the best way to start in this situation is to start getting help on your own without her. 

The phone went silent.

“It would be better if she joined in” he said.

“Are you telling me you will only seek help if she does too?” I asked

“Yes because she’s the one with the problem.” He said.

This is such a common statement where a partner will want me to change the other person.

I shared with him that he had a chance of creating a significantly positive impact on his relationship if he were to start sessions without her.

Firstly by taking personal responsibility for the marriage this sends a positive message to her that you are willing to look at yourself and learn how to become a more effective husband.

Plus if the changes you make start to have a positive impact on her she will either re-engage with the marriage or she will be more likely to seek the help you want her to seek today.

“I still think it would be better if she joined in” he said.

“I’m concerned you don’t want to take this action because I’ve seen so many women in the situation you have described and the problems won’t go away and you’ll be waiting a long time for her to want to seek help.”

“In fact, if you leave her like this and you don’t learn how to approach her differently the situation is going to keep getting worse.”

“I’ll think about it.” He said and left the call.

One year later my Personal Assistant Kate and I were reviewing the call list for people who were applying to work with me and a familiar name appeared.

We looked into it and it was the same gentleman making contact again a year later.

So I jumped on the call.

So what’s happened? I asked

He said “I called you a year ago you probably don’t remember.”

“Sure I remember, I offered you a place, but you didn’t take me up on the offer. What advice did I give you on the call?”

“You said the relationship would get worse” he sounded exhausted.

“…and what did happen?” I asked.

“She now wants a divorce”

This gentleman fell into a very common trap, he thought that for the relationship to get better she would have to take part in the process.

He had a window of opportunity to learn how he could add value to her and instead of embracing that he sat and waited.

Listening to him on the first call I could tell he didn’t know how to approach his wife in a way that would be of value to her.

He was part of the reason why she would be disconnected and stuck but he was stuck in a belief she had to change. The reality was he had to change for her first, only then would she feel emotionally safe enough to reinvest.

In a relationship one person can change their behavioural patterns and their partner will have no choice, but to react and change theirs.

No one accepts when someone changes initially because sudden changes create confusion, but when new behaviours are consistently practised their partner will start to attach new emotions to what they are experiencing and this has the power to change how they feel.

Conclusion

It’s critical that relationship problems are dealt with quickly because if not they simply do not go away and they tend to get worse.

The reason they get worse is because the person who is struggling will be shifting their mind to a more negative looking for what’s wrong focus.

This will become overwhelming and will then shift the person to block out those painful feelings. 

The person will then go through a detaching or self numbing process to protect themselves from any bad feelings. 

They will be unaware this process will also shut down their good feelings too.

Now the relationship has no point in their eyes and the person will look for ways to escape, freedom will become a primary need. They might ask for more space or freedom, spend more time with their friends.

The result is they won’t like how they feel about themselves when they are with their partner, and they will feel relief when they are away from them.

So the solution in their minds is simple, to stop the pain we have to split-up.

This is why couples must never leave their relationship problems to chance, the process can take over the person without them knowing.

One lady who had been in this process told me six months before she would have loved to have gone for help with her husband, but now she was done all her feelings had gone and she had no wish to work on this again.

So every relationship has a window of opportunity and once it closes it’s very difficult to get the person back.

Please remember the work I do is educational and even as part of the process for a couple I’ll be working with the individuals before I move them to do any couples work.

Category iconMarriage Coaching

"Clients have been kind enough to want to support YOU because they were once in your shoes"

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • When a marriage breaks down – What do I do?
  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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