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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Shifting Destructive Patterns of Behaviour

In 2012 I decided to run an experiment for a few months. I would stop working with couples together and would work with them individually.

I would not see them as a couple for the duration of their 12 week program other than the first meeting.

My thought was if I helped just one person shift out of the destructive pattern that would bring positive energy to their marriage and enable a significant shift for them both. 

I wanted to see the effect of helping each person independently understand their own emotions and how to choose the emotions they wanted rather than be affected by their own limiting beliefs and ineffective patterns of thought and behaviours in reaction to their partner.

You see many couples become incompatible because both people become disconnected from themselves when they are together.

This process is emotionally painful and can give the impression the relationship is the problem.

Most people in crisis become highly reactive with negative energy and are disconnected from values they would say makeup who they are as a person.

So loving people would become mean, fun people would become grumpy, kind people would become rude, people that believed in freedom would become controlling.

The thought of this new approach of working with individuals was essentially stopping the person becoming so negatively reactive and help them see the choices they were currently blind to.

If you watch a couple in conflict you will watch them play out the same old patterns of how they do their conflict. 

They seem in the moment to be unaware that there are other ways to deal with their problems as they become more and more unhappy with the conflict and both blaming each other for it.

They are out of control of themselves

This is behaviour without thought, essentially rendering the person out of control of themselves.

Imagine if instead of growing a pattern to be more destructive you could interrupt a pattern and move the conflict from destructive to constructive.

You see when most people enter a conflict they end up making the situation worse even if they started out with the intention to make it better.

How many couples are in an argument and have literally no idea what they are actually arguing about, these couples are consumed by their patterns.

Patterns are really about making life easier, but many people are using them to destroy perfectly good relationships.

I wanted to use this new process with the individuals I saw to wake them up to what they were doing and show them how to connect to themselves and add value to their partner to protect the relationship and create happier energy.

In essence the thinking had to change.

Imagine if a person stopped themselves going into defensiveness and anger to react to what their partner did or said and shifted their energy to be what they valued most.

What if one person changed their own pattern what effect would it have on the couple’s pattern?

The answer is it had the potential to create a totally different outcome.

Many people will tell me their partner is impossible to change yet they seem very successful at triggering their partner to become more angry, more upset, more negative.

It’s simply not true they can’t change their partner the question is what do you want them to change to and what do you have to change in you to make that change in them possible.

Imagine if someone learnt the process to interrupt their partners’ negative pattern and then discovered the process of adding value in the way their partner needed it.

You see the most important skill any partner can learn is how to become an energy of positive influence.

The energy of positive influence will build a significantly better connection and grow far a deeper attachment.

This is a skill missing in so many couples and is why so many people come to me for me to change their partner.

My message is if you want your partner to change if you want a healthier relationship then the change must start with you.

If you want the relationship to change then one person must make the decision to change themselves and this has the power to change the whole relationship.

This experiment back in 2012 was a huge success and has formed a part of how I work with couples ever since.

Not everyone is meant to be together and I see some that really should move on.

The majority, however, have the ability to create a significant shift by understanding how to use a new way of thinking that dissolves problems and rebuilds trust and connection.

I do this work with individuals and with couples so you really don’t have to wait for your partner to make up their mind to take part.

One gentleman I spoke to wanted to wait for his wife to do this program with him. He waited a year for her to be ready.

The reality was they sat in their problem for a year and she then filed for divorce because the problems didn’t get better and he could have stopped the collapse of his marriage by becoming part of the solution.

He thought her unhappiness was her problem he didn’t see that he was holding a key to the solution.

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

About Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for consistently and naturally saving many marriages from divorce. He is a favourite of business leaders, business owners, Judges and celebrities.

Stephen runs his meetings from his office in Harley Street London and supports his global clients over Zoom.

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

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Head Office
10 Harley Street
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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • Stop bickering and arguing – Mini Post
  • “Why your marriage may not be broken”
  • “Never attach your meanings to your partner’s words and actions!” – Mini Post
  • “Living with a problem partner” – Mini post
  • “Never be a dream killer” – Mini Post

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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