If you want to know the most common reason why relationships fail so you can avoid it, this post is for you, because in the land of failed relationships there is one clear winner.
When you sit in my shoes and you see the people that make it and the ones that don’t, clear markers appear that tell us why and this is what I want to share with you today.
You see before couples see me they can be forgiven for not understanding how their relationship with themselves works – most people are emotionally reactive.
They can be forgiven for not understanding how their partner is different and what to do when things go wrong – most people feel fear, resentment or anger when their partner makes no sense.
They can be forgiven for not understanding how to be a team due to so many differences – they don’t know how to influence each other positively.
Couples naturally create a distressing confusion with each other, and so lovely people end up doing awful things to each other without knowing.
This problem is a trend in those couples that don’t that make it.
The problem is the trait that kills most relationships is embedded in what couples in crisis practice it’s the compounding factor of their disconnect.
So if anyone is practising the “it’s all about me” pattern then you are likely to be counting the days.
‘It can’t be all about YOU!”
“Me” focused relationships usually die. Me focused relationship is where on some level the person has a need to put themselves at the centre of their relationship.
It’s always about them.
“Me” focused relationships usually end up with a poor emotional connection, many have to trade with their partner to get their needs met, and others will suffer from intimacy challenges.
In extreme cases, the couple will suffer with all three.
Successful couples learn the art of making their time together be about each other not themselves.
Couples in crisis tend to put themselves at the centre
Couples in crisis do the opposite of this, they end up protecting themselves from each other, and they are focused on what they are not getting, or how their partner should be better.
In a state of emotional deficit, they will put their own needs first and at the centre, it’s understandable but people that are coached by me will learn why this never works.
There are many ways in which people make their relationship all about them.
The key is I have to coach them out of this or they will keep breaking their connection.
I remember talking to a wife who told me how amazing her husband was in arranging her 60th.
He went to great lengths to make it amazing, invited all her friends and arranged everything, and spent the party telling everyone what he had done for his wife.
She had a lovely time, but something felt off.
So many people were telling him and her what a great husband he was, and how they wish their husbands were like him, he was basking in the glory of his achievement and all the accolades.
It eventually dawned on her that he didn’t create that party for her he created it so everyone could see how amazing he was, but it wasn’t the truth at home he wasn’t thoughtful at all.
He put on a show.
In fact, she suddenly realised everything he did was about him.
She suddenly woke up, she was making their relationship about him, but so was he.
This pattern has to change
So what we are looking for is the ability for each person to not make their marriage and what happens in it about them.
In any part of life, successful people do not focus on themselves, they focus on contributing to add value to something like a child, a community, an audience, a business.
Successful people have discovered that when they contribute to something that is important to them and it grows successful they feel fulfilment.
The old saying says there is no “I” in “team” and although we have all heard it a thousand times it’s still true.
A relationship is a team and until you are in a team in all the areas that matter, your connection will be in a state of erosion.
To be clear.
Every couple in crisis is focused on themselves due to their fears, so a reactive uncoached person this is a normal response, so they feel they have to protect themselves, some are upset through expectations not being met.
These are all me-focused activities.
It’s why they move to relationship-killing models such as judging, blaming, and demanding.
BUT! The model has to change if they want to discover their relationship’s truth.
It’s also important that being a team doesn’t mean always doing things your partners’ way and it also doesn’t mean compromising.
Compromising simply means two people not getting what they want and who wants that?
Compromising for men can emasculate them and compromising for women can push them to become too masculine – I explain when/if we speak.
The healthy dynamic is two people loving and caring for each other, but couples don’t keep that energy alive and so they will need help understanding why and what they must do.
So please never make it about you and if you feel you have no choice then please make contact.
If this has struck a cord and you want clarity from me on your specific problem please get in touch.
You can fast-track to a paid session so I can assess and share the problem I am seeing or you can gain access to a free call where you will learn the process of how I would help you out of your crisis.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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