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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“The cost of always needing to being right in a marriage!”

Every couple that attends sessions with me are sharing very different perspectives about their relationship, and both people think their version is the truth.

They communicate to me what they both think is the problem, but very few are connected to other ways to think and see their problems, so they live in a disempowered perspective.

This can lead couples to feel their problems are impossible to solve. In so many cases, this is not true.

By helping couples to understand the core problem, they are empowered to see their problem in ways that empower both people to reconnect.

In essence, I have to expand the knowledge of both people so they can connect to their partner’s experience so they can start to add value to each other again.

In today’s post, I’m going to share some of my observations from a session to help those of you who are lost think differently about the situations you are in.

So if you want to solve your problems then a new understanding and a new approach are required.

Let’s look at this example:

One gentleman was sharing a story about getting frustrated with his wife in a restaurant she seemed unhappy, grumpy and in his opinion rude to the waiters.

In his mind, they were both lucky to be in such a great place, why couldn’t she see how lucky she was.

To him, she was ungrateful and spoilt.

So when she became in his option rude to the waiter, he told her off in front of him and tried to make her apologise.

She wouldn’t apologise, and so in his opinion, she was awful. The rest of the day was now spoilt.

In his mind, she was ungrateful and mean, and so he became withdrawn.

So I asked him if he was willing to see another perspective.

“Who is your wife really?” I asked.

“Because I bet at core, she is loving and kind supportive and would do anything for anyone.”

He said, “I don’t see that anymore; she is always grumpy with me.”

I shared a thought “What if she knows you see her this way, and this is partly why she is so grumpy?”

You see if you had the perspective that in the restaurant she wasn’t her true self, a loving husband who knew the core of who his wife was would have cared she wasn’t being herself and would connect to whatever was troubling her.

What she experienced was not your support, care or help what she got was your judgement, and then you humiliated her as a means to correct her behaviour.

So now you are her parent.

At that moment, she couldn’t have been further away from the feelings she wanted to have with her husband.

This would make most women upset, and I expect your behaviour, and this perspective of her is one of the patterns in the relationship.

He agreed.

He then said, “I had never looked at it from her perspective before.”

I said to him, on one hand, you’re not wrong. We should be grateful; we should be polite we should search for happiness.

“It sounds like this is what your parents taught you” he nodded

But she is a grown woman; she doesn’t need you to be her parent telling her how to behave. What she needs is a husband who cares enough to check-in and care for her.

So I totally understand why you thought that way but her happiness must be at the core of your own needs.

Judging her isn’t loving.

So what you also missed in your need to be right about her behaviour you also disregarded your own values.

“How so?” he asked

“I see that at the core, you too are a loving man. I see you are kind, supportive and fun-loving.”

“But you were none of that in your quest to make her wrong. You became less of yourself in your quest to tell her she was wrong.”

“Can you see the irony?”

He nodded.

In relationships, if one person wins and the other loses you both lose.

So winning and being right cannot be the mission ever.

Critical rules for couples: If you create a behaviour it must be for the good of who you really are. For the good of what’s important to her and for the greater good of your purpose of being together.

I helped him see her perspective. “She was grumpy a lot of the time because she is waiting for the next time when she has to protect herself from you. ”

“With this thought within her, she can never be herself when she’s around you.”

“Her biggest pain is she cannot love you the way she wants – this is why she’s so grumpy.”

“I can see your biggest pain is you don’t feel loved or able to please her.”

“You must connect with how her world works, or she will feel disconnected and alone.”

“Both of you have a responsibility to change this pattern, but helping you both to see what’s really going on will help you both reduce your fears and empower you to become a team.”

Couples are so disconnected from each other’s worlds and their destructive patterns help them become the worst of themselves in their quest to correct their partner behaviours.

It’s not natural for men and women to understand each other, so it’s critical the couple are helped to understand each other’s world because without this knowledge communication will feel impossible.

Being right is such a destructive need.

 

 

 

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

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My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
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Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

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Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

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Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.


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  • Do You Know Your Values & Why They Are So Important?
  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
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