Individuals in relationships / marriages are silently making decisions across the country that are totally changing the direction of the couples lives forever. These decisions are very powerful and can leave their partners in total shock feeling helpless to change their minds.
These decisions, are made in the moment and can profoundly change the persons behaviours. So warm, caring and loving people can become cold and distant. It can feel like you’re living with a total stranger.
Even though the decision to end the relationship takes a moment people take months some take years to get to this point, for them it’s months of suffering. Many will have communicated their unhappiness, but feel it has landed on deaf ears.
If your relationship is one you want to keep please be mindful that problems don’t magically go away they actually get hidden, which means they are still there. If problems stack and a persons feelings are ignored their energy will move to protect themselves with devastating consequences.
I saw one couple in their late 50s. In the third year of their marriage he physically hit her through frustration hurting her quite badly. She stayed in the marriage, but lived every day on guard. Eventually she snapped, it took her twenty-five years to tell him she wanted a divorce. For him it was in the past, for her it was like it happened yesterday. Her children were now grown up and she wanted to be free of this pain.
The pain that leads to detachment and a need to leave the relationship doesn’t have to be because of one dramatic event. It can happen through the perception of many small challenges that for one person equals lack of care and to the other means nothing.
So many people in my sessions are in total disbelief that this has actually happened to them. They thought it only happened to other people, yet just like other people they ignored the signs. We should have seen you sooner is a comment I hear every week.
So I have a question for you? What should your relationship/life be like and does it match the reality you’re living today?
If you’re not happy then you can bet your partner is unhappy too.
The reason couples struggle so much is both people end up with a relationship / marriage that causes them pain because they both expected something different to what they currently have.
To cope with this challenge in the early days the one person, or the couple wanting the relationship to work can try to bend themselves to what they think their partner wants.
This compounds the problem because not only has the relationship started to not meet their expectations they have also had to change their identity to please their partner. This can be exhausting and cause resentments.
So now the couple can start to feel they can’t be themselves in their relationship (they are treading on egg shells) and it’s not meeting their expectation or needs.
This can cause significant problems as the couple feel that life together is feeling cold, disconnected and lonely. The will couple cycle through feeling uncertain and insignificant about their future together. Unless this pattern is broken one person will start to feel that the relationship is hopeless.
This person will suffer and suffer until one day a new decision takes over them and the pain of leaving the relationship has gone and the new pain is staying in the relationship.
I see many couples with these kinds of problems and catching it before a decision is made is critical.
If you have a problem please don’t ignore it. It may feel small but it’s a signal that something deeper is wrong and it will keep growing.
If you want to learn more please arrange a free call to discuss your specific situation.