Do you know what the biggest killer of perfectly good marriages is? It’s not what most people think.
Every day, couples enter my sessions believing they know the problem in their marriage. And every day, I see the same thing: They’re a million miles away from their truth, which is why they haven’t been able to solve it.
Solving marital problems 100% relies on understanding the real reason for the problems they face.
Couples can experience years of an unhappy connection that builds a compounding range of increasingly unhelpful symptoms that they see as problems to solve.
The couple remains unaware that they are trying to solve the symptoms of the real problem(s) and end up in a frustrating loop.
The ones who admit they don’t understand the problem(s)? They have a fighting chance. But the ones who think they know, who are convinced their diagnosis is correct, are in real trouble as they have nothing more to learn.
The proof of this problem is facing the couple every day – when you’re wrong about the problem, every solution you try will only make matters worse.
This is why I favour working on a diagnose-and-prescribe model. By showing the couple their real problem(s) and helping them see the steps they need to overcome them it creates a powerfully sustainable path to a happier connection.
Misdiagnosed Problems, Misguided Solutions
When couples misdiagnose the problem in their relationship, they will only bring the wrong solutions to the table. This means the couple will put in significant effort with little to no results; this will destroy their belief about what’s possible with the right help.
They can think, “I/we did all we could, and there is nothing left to try.” They are right. There is nothing left to try with the problem they are trying to fix because fixing the wrong problem they were focused on will always create a poor result.
I have seen the truth, and that is love can be switched back on, passion can come back, and sexual connection that has been dead for 10+ years can be reignited. You just need to know how and the patience to work it through.
A typical pattern couples with foundational distortions practice is getting to the edge of divorce, which scares both people into being totally honest about how they have been feeling. They talk for hours. In fact, it’s the most honest connection they’ve had for years. They feel that, at last, we now have a reconnection—the end result is relief.
This honesty and connection will feel like a step forward. In the moment, they will feel better and have hope again.
The problem is they didn’t know that nothing meaningful was fixed or understood, so it won’t be long before the foundational problems cause the same problems again, but this time, they’re worsening because this cycle is upsetting and exhausting.
The Dangerous Illusion of “I Know What’s Wrong”
So, the worst place to be in a marriage is not confusion. It’s false certainty.
When you think you know the problem, you stop looking for answers. You dig in your heels, convinced the issue lies in your partner, their actions, some external factor, or we are just the wrong fit.
You’re so focused on what you believe to be true that you never stop to ask: What if I’m wrong?
Here’s the truth: The probability you are wrong is very high. You will have clarity on the symptoms of the problems, not the problems themselves.
I can tell you now that try solving symptoms is soul-destroying because even if you did make the symptom go away, the real problem will only create another symptom to deal with.
I remember one lady saying, “The solution you gave us was a total surprise to her.” She wasn’t even aware that the problem we were fixing was a thing – it would never have crossed her mind, and this is my point today.
This week, I shared a hidden problem this lady didn’t know she had, and she disagreed because she was so fixed on the symptoms she felt she knew, which was the reason they were with me.
The Hidden Cost of Misunderstanding
To me, these hidden problems are so sad for couples who reach the end of their relationships and family lives for the wrong reasons.
People often end perfectly good relationships not because they’re incompatible but because they’ve misunderstood the problem they are facing, and it means similar problems will appear in future relationships for that person.
One lady went through three marriages before she learnt this at 60 years of age. Divorce doesn’t educate, affairs are not solutions, and people who want to be right tend to end up alone.
You see, it’s not that love disappears; it’s that self-protection takes over because misunderstandings compound. Frustrations grow. Over time, the foundation of trust and connection erodes until there’s nothing left to hold onto.
But here’s the truth: it doesn’t have to be this way for those brave enough to learn together or on their own.
How to Save a Marriage From the Brink
The first step to saving your marriage isn’t getting busy fixing things. It’s not communication exercises. It’s not even spending more time together or holding hands, trying to pretend the problem is not there.
It’s clarity.
You need to understand the real problem before you can even think about fixing it. That means for every wrong that has happened to both people, you have to know “WHY”.
One recent gentleman was crystal clear about how awful his wife was. So, I wrote the list as he explained each point. I then asked him to add this question to each point: Why did she behave this way? He didn’t know.
He was prepared to collapse a life together and disrupt his children’s lives forever without understanding the core reason for the problems they faced.
This is the point you have to know.
No assumptions, no guesswork, CLARITY!!!
Until you understand the root problem, every action you take is just a shot in the dark, and every decision is a risk that, for some, is repeated for life.
Remember, doing nothing is as risky as doing the wrong thing.
Why Most Marriages Fail
Most marriages don’t fail because of infidelity, loss of love, or trust. They fail because couples try to fix the wrong things.
They think the problem is their partner’s behaviour without understanding what drives it.
They might think the problem is communication when it’s really a lack of comprehension.
They think the problem is incompatibility, but in reality, they can only see the relationship from their own perspective, which is limiting. So, they will only be compatible with those who are like them and always agree with them. Unless that changes, they will struggle with everyone.
The result? Misguided solutions, growing resentment, and eventually, the slow death of a relationship could have played out differently with a different approach.
Don’t Be a Statistic
If you want to save your marriage, start with this thought: It’s essential to understand what is blocking your success, and it’s highly likely the truth about the root problem(s) will be hidden.
It’s also important to understand what success looks like.
The proof of understanding the root problem will be in the outcomes you have been creating together.
Once a person wants to know the answer to the “why” question, they are open to growing and learning, enabling them to take control of the outcome.
And once you have that clarity, the solutions will become obvious. Simple. Transformative.
Most importantly, they work…
So, if today is the day you’ve had enough of going around in circles, click here.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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