Most people think marriage is about love, compatibility, or finding the “right person.” But here’s the reality few ever talk about:
What is being married really about?
When challenges arrive, many people retreat into defensiveness, blame, or control. They become smaller, more reactive versions of themselves. But marriage calls for the opposite. It demands that you grow. That you expand. That you bring the strongest version of yourself forward.
Marriage is really about becoming more of who you truly are when problems strike – not less and this is the challenge so many face.
I see so many people have demanded their partner needs be different or be a certain way. Demanding is the model that’s guaranteed to disable the couples connection.
Why Marriage Is a Skills-Based Activity
Here’s what makes marriage uniquely difficult:
- Your Partner Is Nothing Like You.
We assume our partner thinks, feels, and reacts as we do. They don’t. Their wiring, needs, and triggers are often completely different — which means their behaviours won’t be predictable through your lens. - Your Job Isn’t to Please Them.
A common mistake is believing “my role is to make my partner happy.” That’s not true. Their happiness is their responsibility. - Your Job Is to Make Their Happiness Easier to Access.
You do that by creating the right emotional environment, learning how they are different to you, and bringing the version of yourself that makes their connection to themselves easy rather than difficult.
The Role Confusion That Destroys Marriages
Most couples never define their roles clearly. They fall into patterns of:
- Over-giving and then resenting.
- Withdrawing and expecting their partner to “just know.”
- Judging differences instead of learning from them.
- Pleasing out of fear instead of creating out of love.
This confusion leads to unmet expectations, endless cycles of blame, and the slow erosion of attraction.
The Truth That Saves Marriages
Marriage is not about perfection. It’s not about keeping the peace. It’s not about fixing your partner or living out a fantasy.
Marriage is about growth.
- Growth in your identity — becoming the partner you’re proud of.
- Growth in your skills — learning how to communicate, connect, and repair when things go wrong.
- Growth in your vision — understanding your differences, and still building a future worth being invested in.
It’s important that couples grow together through each life stage. This is important because lack of growth is how marriages lose connection and suffer.
Sometimes the marriage stalls and that’s a sign they need to grow and build a brand new relationship for that new stage. Sadly too many see this moment as uncomfortable and so a sign that they are incompatible.
They don’t see the discomfort as an opportunity to grow so they look for easy solutions that just push the problems down the line.
For many relationships it’s possible to stall and grow into new relationships many times over. Each relationship stage requires growth to keep the connection alive.
So couples stay stuck trying to fix a relationship stage they have outgrown.
The couples that struggle are the ones who don’t grow and evolve together through these stages. If necessary one person may have to take on the role to help the couple transition into a new relationship like this lady below.
They had got stuck in an old relationship stage and the confusion had created a disconnect further fuelled by fear. Now the relationship was in question.
Problems are inevitable. But disconnection is optional.
If you want your marriage to thrive, stop asking, “How can my partner make me happy?” and start asking, “Who must I become when problems strike, and how do I make their happiness easier to reach for them?”
That’s when marriage stops feeling like survival, and starts becoming the most powerful growth experience of your life.
Clients words to help you…
“Back in 2017, when my marriage was hanging by a thread, I finally realised something I wish I had known years earlier: the only way forward was to focus on me. For months I had been in a constant state of panic, analysing every word, every action, desperately trying to win him back.
All it did was make me feel weaker and more out of control. When I shifted the focus to becoming stronger, calmer, and more grounded in who I was, everything started to change. I began to feel safe in myself again, and for the first time in years I could breathe without fear.
The surprising thing was that as soon as I stepped out of panic, my husband began to shift too. He seemed lighter, more open, even a little more playful again.
It wasn’t a miracle overnight, but the whole atmosphere between us started to soften. I realised that saving the marriage couldn’t be the primary focus, the focus had to be on me becoming the best version of myself.
That shift gave me clarity, strength, and most importantly, hope. It truly changed everything for us.”
Once she focused on herself and moving herself out of fear and into leadership the relationship was no longer about her and her distorted feelings and this shift removed pressure and so reconnection became authentic again.
When someone’s fear takes over them it disables their ability to be their true self and add value from that place.
It’s important to understand that the relationship stage that consistently disables marriages is the one where a “me” focused energy driven by their fears is in the driving seat.
The solution is to connect to your inner-strength and become someone you can be proud of.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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