As I listen week after week, year after year to couple after couple share with me their unique stories. Stories of pain and suffering through affairs, loss of love, loss of passion, emotional disconnection they all have made this very simple but devastatingly powerful mistake. This mistake is costing them massively, it affects so many people and the ripples of disconnected families can go on for years.
Every couple I meet is totally unaware of what is really happening in their relationship and why they are where they are.
Both people will have theories and some will feel they are the ones that are right. But simply the fact that couples are going round in circles unable to solve their challenges suggests that they are both still making this fundamental mistake.
As a result, far too many couples are leaving perfectly good relationships and are likely to repeat this problem in future relationships.
So what is it?
What is causing couples so much pain and suffering?
The worst mistake you can make in a relationship are the ones you don’t know you are making! So just like this lady below it’s important to wake up your relationship to discover the truth.
In relationships the disconnect in understanding between men and women and what needs to happen to build a successful marriage for life is significant and the result of not understanding is tearing couples and then families apart.
So many people are logically (in their minds) connecting their emotions to the wrong problems and end up either leaving relationships that are perfectly good or staying in ones that are bad or unhealthy for too long.
So what are people not seeing?
They are not seeing that they are likely to be making their relationships worse without knowing. So totally normal lovely people are acting in a way that helps to emotionally shut down their partner and they are doing this for years.
Both men and women are equally responsible for these fundamental errors they don’t know they are making.
This then creates a problem where it becomes totally normal for both people in pain suffering for years to either blame each other for their problems or simply become resigned to the fact they are incompatible.
Some will feel their partner is emotionally incapable of connecting in a meaningful way. Some will feel their partner is to blame and you may be right but it’s very likely that you are part of the problem too.
What all couples prove to me very quickly is they are unaware of the true challenge they are facing, and so they both try to fix different problems with each other and then wonder why they are going round in circles.
They present to me very real pain and suffering, and varying degrees of emotional detachment due to present and past problems.
Their pain is real on both sides…
So if you really want to put yourself in a position where you can make a safe decision for you and your family you must start to become curious about what is and has been going on in your relationship.
You must learn how relationships work what skills are required and how you can become valuable to each other.
You MUST! MUST! MUST! learn what you are doing to yourself that is disconnecting you from your partner.
You must learn what you are doing that is helping your partner disconnect from you.
My mission with all couples is to give them very simple tools that help them to create new patterns of behaviour that enable powerful forces that help disconnected couples that should be together – reignite attraction.
One lady came in and started the meeting with a message that she felt it was all too late. In that very session with some simple but powerful strategies, she was spontaneously throwing her arms around her husband.
I saw in that moment she was reconnected, feminine, lighter, relieved – eyes full of joyful tears…
Afterwards, she said “words cannot describe … I have no words for what just happened”
You see she was unaware of what she was doing within herself that was disconnecting her from her husband and he was unaware of what he could do to help her reconnect.
All I did was put her in the right emotional position and then give them the tools – nature did the rest.
Of course, it’s ridiculous to say that all couples relationships can be saved.
What I do believe is it’s important for couples who are struggling to see if it’s possible to reconnect in a way that feels great for both people.
I also believe it’s especially important to do this if you have children as they are the ones having to emotionally deal with the mistakes emotionally lost adults are making.
Lasting solutions to relationship problems are not obvious so if you’d like my thoughts on your marriage and to discover what’s possible for you please make contact.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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