Today I’m going to share a root problem for all couples that if practised will provide a high guarantee of marriage failure so it’s really important to understand this.
What I’m about to share may sound in essence simple, but when you look deeper you’ll understand why it’s such a catastrophic problem with a really nasty bite.
If a person in a marriage experiences emotions and they feel those emotions don’t matter to their partner this will create a problem that can grow out of control.
In essence the concept sounds simple, if you love someone surely you would care how they feel?
If you don’t show you care how they feel, surely they will feel unloved and if practised over time the marriage would struggle as this person would naturally become resentful.
This is basic relationship stuff but here’s the problem I keep seeing.
The real problem is people are not connecting to the pain and suffering their partner is in and this is a significant problem.
In other words, the way they express their pain and suffering is not connecting their partners to want to care for them, because their partner either isn’t seeing their problem, or they are too focused on their own.
The trend I see is the way that many people express and hear each others problems is connecting their partners to judge them and make assumptions about what they are saying, so they end up defending themselves.
Self-defence, mind-reading, attacking back, none of these reactions induces a caring energy in either person.
Imagine committing your life to someone and then feeling your partner doesn’t care about you.
Everyone has bad days and so a few mistakes can be overlooked, but it’s very different when this lack of connection and care is consistently practised over the years.
This is where far too many couples live.
What couples are not seeing is a natural disconnect in how each person behaves and this creates confusion that can lead to an emotional disconnect.
Each week I spend time with individuals helping them both connect to what their partner will and is experiencing based on their reactive behaviours.
Natural disconnect in action
One man I spoke to had run out of ways to deal with his wife’s upset and had discovered walking away would not make her happy initially but eventually, she would come round so for him this was the solution.
Historically he had tried reasoning with her, but she seemed to get more upset so in frustration, he became angry at her but that just made the situation even worse.
What he wasn’t aware of was by walking away he was abandoning her and this process would help her disconnect from him.
He wasn’t seeing her upset was actually a cry for help, she needed a connection with him, she needed his care and support to keep her trust alive.
So when she needed him, he protected himself from her and then waited for her to emotionally support herself, a process that would kill her love for him.
In essence men and women are not seeing what’s important for each other.
He had no empathy
One lady was so frustrated that she couldn’t get through to her husband she came to me for help.
She told me he had no empathy, she was sure he had other problems Aspergers came up as a possible diagnosis one of many. In her mind his lack of connection must be connected to an illness.
We discovered she wasn’t right at all.
He just didn’t understand the reason behind why she was communicating and so he was confused by so many words all with no real point in his mind.
He wasn’t trying to be difficult he just didn’t connect to what was important for him to listen to because she said so much.
With no point to her words in his mind and nothing tangible to fix he couldn’t understand why she kept speaking to him about the same stuff over and over.
This process made him frustrated at her confusing behaviour, he needed to help to get to the point quickly this meant shutting her down.
For her, this lack of connection meant he didn’t love her or care and each time this infuriated her and she was losing her trust in him.
She didn’t understand why he didn’t care in the way she wanted and he couldn’t work out why she was so upset, in his mind over nothing.
Connecting couples on these difficult to see differences is critical for a meaningful reconnection and rebulid of trust.
Looking for meaning and reasons
I was talking to another gentleman about his wife outbursts. He really struggled to deal with her and it was affecting both of them.
So I asked him to picture two scenes:-
Scene one: His wife was at home shouting bad words at volume at him.
Scene Two: His wife was hurt after being hit by a car and she was shouting bad words at volume at him.
I asked him how he respond differently in each situation. He said in the first he would become frustrated walk off or shout back.
In the second he said he would look after her and care for her.
That’s right I responded.
So it’s not the bad words at volume you’re reacting badly to, it’s your own judgement and the meanings you’re putting to her behaviour you don’t like.
So rather than assuming your judgment of her is right and your wife is out to get you/hurt you, why don’t we explore what could be going on for her so your translation of her is correct.
I have become a translator of meaning for couples in crisis.
Men and women are speaking the same language so they both understand the individual words, but both people are putting very different meanings to what their partner is really saying and this is causing chaos.
Men and women have very different understandings of what is happening in their relationship.
I see first-hand women in their droves are thinking the same way as other women in an intimate relationship.
I see first-hand men in their droves are thinking the same way as other men in an intimate relationship.
Neither camp is naturally understanding or designed to understand the other and so the process of disconnect starts the process of self-protection as the wrong translations fill up in both their minds.
The need for self-protection is the process that kills love and grows disconnect and contempt.
So if you are going to be in a relationship and your partner calls for help you must hear their call and know how to support them.
If you don’t know how to hear their call then this is a life skill you must master before a crisis starts.
This is a key reason why couples can split up find new partners only to find themselves in the same cycle of misunderstanding.
Thankfully this is a skill that can be learnt.
I’m currently working with many couples and individuals who are using this skill to win their partner’s heart back.
They are learning a new language it’s the language their partners use when they are in an intimate relationship.
It’s a language that rebuilds connection and trust because it connects the individuals to the true meanings behind each other’s behaviours.
I’m currently running assessments to help couples understand what they are not seeing so they have clarity and direction on their problems.