What is it that can make a difference for a couple in crisis? What did this couple have to know to stop their divorce?
This couple suffered from a series of very common problems.
In essence, these problems were very solvable, but left unchecked; they can lead couples into a destructive disconnect pattern.
Let’s look at their list of problems from my perspective.
Firstly they were both unaware of how their own feelings were created.
This is a major problem because our whole experience on this planet is based on our emotions.
They were spending more time trying to avoid emotions they didn’t want and this was creating a negative trend.
Not understanding how their emotions are created can lead each person into out-of-control reactive emotional states.
As a result, they both had very different emotional challenges with themselves.
They had really lost themselves through their relationship.
They also both suffered from only being able to see the world through their own eyes.
This meant they were unaware of how to understand each other’s words and actions and this created a loss of empathy.
This led them into emotional disconnection.
The more they misunderstood each other, the more disconnected they became.
Loss of connection with themselves and each other had created ongoing conflict.
It’s very difficult/impossible to love someone you have to protect yourself from.
To compound their list of problems, they didn’t do conflict well, which led them to lose emotional security with each other.
This couple didn’t stand a chance unless they built foundations to sustain the ups and downs normal life throws at them.
They had multiple breakthroughs.
The moment both people took control and responsibility for their own emotions, they realised a new healthier connection with themselves.
This removed their constant need to avoid their own emotional pain systems, which is exhausting.
They replaced it with a desire to connect with their true self now they knew what that meant.
What this brings is a connection to powerful emotional systems such as joy and creativity.
This is what’s needed to take the next step/breakthrough, understanding each other.
When a person is disconnected from their partners’ emotional world, it’s a lonely place for that partner to be.
One of the most vulnerable places a person can be is in love with someone they don’t understand.
What understanding each other created was a new way to approach their problems.
Historically their misunderstanding of themselves and each other just created a war.
By understanding how to bring the right version of themselves to their problems, they brought creativity and understanding to each other.
This meant when a problem happened; they were now designing the outcome by bringing out the best in each other, not the worst.
What all this created was a new confidence in themselves and each other.
They discovered the old pattern was just one way to approach their problems.
Understanding gave them many new ways to experience situations that kept them connected to themselves and each other.
In essence, they discovered choices they didn’t see before.