If your marriage has been suffering yet you want to see if it can work, if you are lost with what to think, or where to put your energy, what you are about to read is for you.
In today’s post, we are going to explore two critical foundations that have the power to help couples avoid an unnecessary stress.
Relationships are full of hidden challenges which is why even the most intelligent couples can run around in circles with no sign of a healthy connection no matter how hard they try.
This knowledge you are about to read is also helping couples on the edge of divorce rebuild their marriage because they are both gaining clarity and confidence in themselves and their future together.
This stops resentment stacking which cripples couples ability to connect and helps them to understand how to rebuild the bank of pleasure so they can attach that pleasure to each other again.
Couples are learning these foundations with me
In my sessions with individuals and couples, they will hear me say we need to dial down what doesn’t work and dial-up what does.
This means educating the couples to understand the foundations that historically they would have been blind to and are likely to be at the root of many of their issues.
Whenever a person enters this process with me they will have one or both of these battles to deal with and in most cases, they are unaware that both exist which is why they have struggled or gone around in circles for years.
Introducing the Two Foundations
- Foundation one: Gaining clarity for growth: What stops their growth is the person(s) is lacking the knowledge of what it takes to be successful in a lifelong marriage.
- Foundation two: Removal of fears: A person driven by their fears in a marriage will sabotage a healthy connection resulting in the fear becoming the goal in many cases – everyone has them many are unaware of the devastating impact.
1. Lack of knowledge -> Gaining clarity: Foundation one.
I have never met a person yet who understands how to get the best out of themselves and their partner.
My clients are some of the brightest people on the planet and this skill has illuded them when it comes to building successful relationships.
Couples will always have problems, so it’s not the problems we need to get rid of, it’s the negative way couples deal with their problems is what has to go.
In essence if your problems are not bringing you closer then you are doing them wrong.
Most people with relationship problems end up connecting to an out-of-control reactive and negative mindset that leads to judgements, criticism and blame and all this causes is more disconnect.
It’s far too easy to say our partner is wrong when their thinking or approach to life and its problems is just different to ours.
Just because we don’t understand them it doesn’t make them wrong, it just makes them different.
If they don’t make sense to us it means we don’t possess the skill to understand them and this is a problem we must own.
You see every person in a relationship has a responsibility to support their partner so their needs are met in the way they need it.
The challenge is everyone is different so your partner must be learnt so what you bring to the table gets the best out of them.
A common problem is people who try to make their partners think like them, this can either repel them or kill their sense of self.
It’s critical to help your partner become more of who they really are because it’s the only way they will thrive and connect those amazing feelings to you.
Most couples are doing their best and will find they trigger their partner negatively on some level if this is happening, then there is a gap in your knowledge of how they work and why they are different.
The key is to find out how to trigger your partner positively and you can’t do that if you don’t understand them or why they are different.
So the starting point is to understand how to get the best out of yourself, so you are in the best energy armed to bring an authentic and powerful energy to your partner.
What people in crisis don’t understand is if you want a change, then it starts with you, which is why I accept any individual who wants to learn how to become valuable to their partner.
So they can trigger their partner positively thus creating a new positive attachment model.
2. Removal of fears -> Building trust in yourself: Foundation Two
Fears in relationships show themselves in many ways,, but the fastest way to see them is when a person is taking steps to protect themselves from their partner.
This can manifest itself in obvious and less obvious ways. So pleasing, withdrawal, defending, controlling, resenting, conflict these are all common fear based activities.
Primarily a person who is driven by fear will have adopted a patterned way of behaviour that’s designed to help them avoid what they don’t want to experience.
These people are unaware that by trying to avoid a fear, that fear ends up being the very thing they manifest without knowing.
There are many fears a person might be triggered by in a marriage.
So a person who is fearful they might not be enough for their partner may be overly pleasing as a means to get back what they need resulting in a trade that only works sometimes.
I have seen many people run this pattern for years yet partners still disconnect, this kind of trading doesn’t help either person to feel happy because the process is emotionally draining.
Other people who are worried if they are enough may withdraw their love and now the relationship is starved of what it needs to survive.
There are, of course many fears and none of them work to build a healthy connection.
So building a healthy connection with yourself is a significant part of what I have to help individuals with if they are to become effective contributors.
Most people are affected by both
In most cases I’m usually presented with people who are fear driven and lack the critical knowledge resulting in emotional disconnect.
For some they struggle to trust themselves and their decisions as they lose connection with themselves.
In the worst cases, the people are unaware they are fear-driven and think they do know what they are doing these people suffer the most in the end.
They don’t know what they don’t know, so they simply won’t search for what to change yet they still need others to bend to fit their thinking.
The only ones that become successful are the ones that understand there is much to learn and are prepared now to invested in themselves and the discovery of what their relationship is capable of achieving with the right information.
My advice to my clients is they can only change what they can control and that is themselves.
So gaining critical knowledge whilst reducing their fears allows them to be who they really are and this brings a new creative and authentic energy to their partner that will allow their partner to be triggered differently.
So if you are triggering your partner negatively know they can be triggered all you now need to learn is how to trigger them positively so they can attach their good feelings to you.
This allows them to feel safe to reinvest and this helps them to build confidence in the relationship again if done consistently.
