When someone comes to me with this message what they are after is CERTAINTY – they want me to help them out of this private hell and into a better life.
They want the pain to stop. It’s likely they have been in emotional pain and suffering for a while, some can feel themselves emotionally detaching from their partner.
In their hearts, they know that life shouldn’t be this way, but they are paralysed not sure what to do for the best. Whichever way they turn there is either more pain and suffering or total uncertainty.
They may have tried to talk about it, but they are likely to become more frustrated as they go round in circles, but not really knowing why.
Both people are likely to be exhausted with it all so they end up seeking ways to meet their needs outside of the relationship.
So what do they do? Can they be helped?
What you will notice is it’s very difficult for couples to communicate on any level when they are in crisis or emotional disconnection.
The reason for this is a powerful filter has been created to protect the individuals…
… a filter of how to hear each other and what each other perceptually means is going to distort the way two people translate each other’s words and behaviours.
So the couple MUST be put into a position where they can really hear each other.
If individuals in crisis are trying to get through to each other from the position of I’m protecting myself from you the relationship is going to become more damaged because the talking is reinforcing the perception of incompatibility.
I never permit couples to argue in front of me (unless I have engineered it as a strategy) because it would be a waste of their time and money and be damaging for them – plus they can do that at home for free.
So one of the jobs is to help both people remove their perceptual filters so they can now see the truth of their history and what they are going through today.
When I say the truth what I mean is what has really been happening in the relationship and why they are now at breaking point and what can be done to help them.
You see marital crisis creates significant fear and this fear engages a natural process of self-protection.
From this position, couples will never hear really each other and so the disconnection is reinforced with every interaction.
What many couples are not aware of is – even when you get a couple out of the crisis they still won’t naturally know how to hear each other.
This is where I help the couple to build a brand new relationship with a greater understanding of how it really works for life and what breaks it so both people are armed to protect it in the future.
So my message today is if you are at breaking point is you must learn the truth about your relationship and what you know so far is only half the story.
My goal with any couple is to help them discover an authentic position in their relationship. Relationships are supposed to be a place where you feel more of what makes your life full and exciting.
So many couples don’t know how to create this naturally. The reason is we (humans) were never designed to live in a box with another person for life.
So it’s really easy to fail, be confused, feel lost, alone, rejected.
I have worked with thousands of couples and I can tell you couples are not designed to understand each other and so getting into crisis is so easy and the couple won’t really know why.
People can follow so many other equally lost people and get a divorce without know why their divorce happened only to find they repeat the same patterns of destruction in a new relationship.
They will know the symptoms, the problems they can see and feel, but they will struggle to understand what really caused them and this is critical to stop destructive patterns.
I too had to learn that successful relationships are built through learning new skills that helped me to become a more effective partner for my wife.
A marital crisis is a process, once you’ve understood it, getting out of it and remaining out of it is the certainty that will create a more confident relationship because you’ll have the tools to protect it both now and in the future.