This is an interesting question because the brain did something when the couple fell in love. The brain then changed to do something different to fall out of love.
What changed was the persons perception. To fall in love the person would have created a future perception that would have seemed very attractive and compelled them to want stay in the relationship.
To fall out of love the persons future perception would have changed from a compelling future to a future of pain if they stayed in the relationship.
Moving towards a perceptually painful experience is not something most humans are comfortable with.
The big “BUT” here is this,
what if the perception we create is wrong at any stage of this process?
Of course we could fall in love with the wrong person, or we could make a mistake and leave a perfectly good marriage.
Of course if a person is in a marriage that feels bad, naturally they would create the perception that the marriage is bad and conclude they want to feel good so leaving is the best option. They may even have the perception they have done all they can and the problems they face are permanent.
This is where many couples sit, but these thoughts may not be as true as they think.
The challenge these individuals face is what perception of the relationship have they created and was it the only one available. As there are many truths to any situation assuming the thought the person holds is a fact is not necessarily going to lead that person to safely.
This is why so many individuals regret their divorce and so may second marriages fail.
What’s interesting is this question: How are perceptions created? My clients learn the way they habitually focus their mind is what creates their perceptions.
So if I asked two people to take part in an experiment and asked one to focus on everything that was bad in their life for a week and asked the other to focus on everything that was good, what do you think will happen?
It’s not difficult to learn that without changing a persons outside world and only changing how they think, the perception of their lives is now going to be totally different and reflective of their focus.
So all this makes sense, but how does it relate to a married couple who are clearly in conflict, or don’t speak, or don’t seem to care about each other.
The question here is what perceptions did they create that lead them to that place? You see your perceptions are going to be created from an individuals map of how the world works. This map is based on their history, their beliefs, their values and rules of how the world works.
This is important: Every person on the planet has a unique map!
So their partner will have a totally different map and this means any judgement they make about their partners behaviour will always be wrong and so their perception will be distorted.
When a person judges their partners behaviour they assume their own perception is correct and so they create behaviours to cope with it.
Of course both people are doing this and so the relationship can easily become distorted and feel like it’s changed. As they live in reaction to each other.
All that’s happening is both people are creating their own perceptions of each other through their own unique maps of the world.
If they do this they will feel confused by their partner behaviour and this erodes trust bit-by-bit over time.
An example of this in action: When women get upset her map suggests he will react in the way she wants him to. When he doesn’t, she feels he doesn’t care, she feels alone. If this is repeated year after year she can detach emotional from him.
Her problem is she assumes he understands her map of what she really needs. His map is designed differently not just because he is a different person, but also because men think in a different way to women.
Both can end up creating the perception their partner doesn’t love them. Their perspectives are so distorted at this point both people will create the perception they need to protect themselves from their partners desire to cause them harm.
If a couple practice this kind of behaviour year-after-year the brain is now changing and is attaching pain when they are with or thinking about their partner.
So they go to where they will feel good. Those that don’t want a divorce will get their love from their children and their friends. Those that want to feel successful will spend more time at work.
Eventually something will give to cope with the pain their perceptions have created: The result is symptoms like, affairs, detachment, addictions, power struggles, never-ending conflict to name a few
If you really want to build a successful relationship then you must learn how to understand your partners map and communicate yours.
The perception that your partner just knows your map or your maps are the same is going to lead to problems.
Read more: Loss of love
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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