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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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What does the brain have to do to fall out of love?

This is an interesting question because the brain did something when the couple fell in love. The brain then changed to do something different to fall out of love.

What changed was the persons perception. To fall in love the person would have created a future perception that would have seemed very attractive and compelled them to want stay in the relationship.

To fall out of love the persons future perception would have changed from a compelling future to a future of pain if they stayed in the relationship.

Moving towards a perceptually painful experience is not something most humans are comfortable with.

The big “BUT” here is this, what if the perception we create is wrong at any stage of this process?

Of course we could fall in love with the wrong person, or we could make a mistake and leave a perfectly good marriage.

Of course if a person is in a marriage that feels bad, naturally they would create the perception that the marriage is bad and conclude they want to feel good so leaving is the best option. They may even have the perception they have done all they can and the problems they face are permanent.

This is where many couples sit, but these thoughts may not be as true as they think.

The challenge these individuals face is what perception of the relationship have they created and was it the only one available. As there are many truths to any situation assuming the thought the person holds is a fact is not necessarily going to lead that person to safely.

This is why so many individuals regret their divorce and so may second marriages fail.

What’s interesting is this question: How are perceptions created? My clients learn the way they habitually focus their mind is what creates their perceptions.

So if I asked two people to take part in an experiment and asked one to focus on everything that was bad in their life for a week and asked the other to focus on everything that was good, what do you think will happen?

It’s not difficult to learn that without changing a persons outside world and only changing how they think, the perception of their lives is now going to be totally different and reflective of their focus.

So all this makes sense, but how does it relate to a married couple who are clearly in conflict, or don’t speak, or don’t seem to care about each other.

The question here is what perceptions did they create that lead them to that place? You see your perceptions are going to be created from an individuals map of how the world works. This map is based on their history, their beliefs, their values and rules of how the world works.

This is important: Every person on the planet has a unique map!

So their partner will have a totally different map and this means any judgement they make about their partners behaviour will always be wrong and so their perception will be distorted.

When a person judges their partners behaviour they assume their own perception is correct and so they create behaviours to cope with it.

Of course both people are doing this and so the relationship can easily become distorted and feel like it’s changed. As they live in reaction to each other.

All that’s happening is both people are creating their own perceptions of each other through their own unique maps of the world.

If they do this they will feel confused by their partner behaviour and this erodes trust bit-by-bit over time.

An example of this in action: When women get upset her map suggests he will react in the way she wants him to. When he doesn’t, she feels he doesn’t care, she feels alone. If this is repeated year after year she can detach emotional from him.

Her problem is she assumes he understands her map of what she really needs. His map is designed differently not just because he is a different person, but also because men think in a different way to women.

Both can end up creating the perception their partner doesn’t love them. Their perspectives are so distorted at this point both people will create the perception they need to protect themselves from their partners desire to cause them harm.

If a couple practice this kind of behaviour year-after-year the brain is now changing and is attaching pain when they are with or thinking about their partner.

So they go to where they will feel good. Those that don’t want a divorce will get their love from their children and their friends. Those that want to feel successful will spend more time at work.

Eventually something will give to cope with the pain their perceptions have created: The result is symptoms like, affairs, detachment, addictions, power struggles, never-ending conflict to name a few

If you really want to build a successful relationship then you must learn how to understand your partners map and communicate yours.

The perception that your partner just knows your map or your maps are the same is going to lead to problems.

This is how couples in crisis can totally change their minds about each other. So if you are in crisis and you need a specialist approach to save your marriage please click here and make an appointment today.

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"In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress."

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Recent Posts

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

About Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for consistently and naturally saving many marriages from divorce. He is a favourite of business leaders, business owners, Judges and celebrities.

Stephen runs his meetings from his office in Harley Street London and supports his global clients over Zoom.

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

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Head Office
10 Harley Street
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W1G 9PF

Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • “STOP making YOUR partners upset about YOU!”
  • “Never try to change your partner”
  • Retired couple in crisis “We should know better at our age!”
  • “He wants to leave the marriage”
  • Never make anything more important than your partner – Mini Post

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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