"What I'm looking for is not out there, it is in me..."

This quote by Helen Keller has such an important meaning to me and what I have to do to help others.

You see the process of helping people back to happiness from lives that are not working is to get them to see life with clarity.

You see many people are under the impression that their life, their fulfilment, and their happiness sits outside of them.

Many of my clients are very successful people, but they come to me miserable because life is not how it should be!

You see despite what they looked for outside of themselves, despite what they achieved or aquired, happiness was fleeting it didn’t last because they didn’t look inside themselves for their answers.

Looking for happiness in the wrong places

Far too many people are unhappy and attach that unhappiness to their relationship or partner. It’s like their personal happiness is their partners responsibility.

I understand why they blame or judge, but they are not seeing the full picture and until they do the suffering will continue even if they leave and find someone new.

The problem so many don’t see is their happiness doesn’t exist outside of themselves it exists within them.

You see it would have been so helpful if we were taught growing up that we do our emotions to ourselves.

So we can blame circumstances, our parents, the fact we are not lucky, smart enough, thin enough, we can blame other people, but you simply cannot get away from one simple fact.

You are the creator so take the wheel

You are the creator of what you feel and what you feel is based on what’s been putting inside you.

I know many will now want to fight that concept, but until a person understands that once we have been triggered every emotion after that trigger is self-created and for many is based on what’s been put inside us.

After being triggered people who are emotionally lost will constantly run the same habitual self-destructive patterns.

These patterns are not helpful, are usually outdated and so people can end up feeling lost or disconnected from who they are.

Triggers are a sign to make a choice

Being triggered is a point where choices can be made, but most don’t see the choices so their response is usually limited to fear-based outcomes.

The key to inner happiness and inner peace is the understanding that none of that exists outside of us.

It’s why it’s called inner.

In essence what comes out of a person is much the same as what they put in.

You see your mind will grow what you plant.

Untrusting people will look and find ways not to trust, angry people will look for way to get angry, sad people will find a way to become sad, negative people will look for negativity as a means to connect with others.

Many people will not just grow what they plant they will then defend and protect it.

Look at this gentleman.

He had planted depression

One gentleman told me he wanted to rid himself of his depression.

What he was not aware of was his his depression was designed to get attention love and sympathy from his wife.

It was a low level way to feel significant/important.

He didn’t know how else to get her care and attention, he never learnt how to be valuable to her in the way she needed.

So getting rid of his depression it would become a threat to him, despite what he asked for.

The bigger problem was his his wife was drained by this on off depression over their many years together and he knew it wasn’t working.

He was lost, stuck, out of control and emotionally reactive.

So I wasn’t surprised at his anger when I spoilt his depression by making him laugh.

Ever got apple juice out of a lemon?

You see what comes out of people is what’s inside them, you cannot get apple juice from a lemon, what comes out can only be based on what’s inside.

Some know they do this, others don’t.

So when a person comes for my help I’m looking to discover what they have been growing and how that might affect their relationship with themselves and others around them.

Cost of living off centre

You see the biggest problem I see with couples, especially ones who have suffered is each person is unaware of how disconnected they have become with themselves.

When we lose connection with ourselves it’s almost impossible to feel good around our partners.

Emotionally living off centre can spark fears that drive negative behaviours in both people.

It’s why there are always 3 relationships to fix with couples. Each person’s relationship with themselves and the dynamic they have built.

Look at what this person did, their model was to look for happiness externally and the cost was significant.

Fear drove the need to control through pleasing to get love

Imagine a person who feels the only way to be safe in a relationship is to control how it works. The only way they feel they can control is to make their partner the centre of their world and give them everything.

What can possibly go wrong?

The problem is they will have to disregard all their own needs in favour of one need and that’s the need for certainty.

They think their giving selflessly will be the perfect route to feeling safe.

The problem is when a person does this their other critical needs (the ignored ones) will not be met because they are not getting back what they need because no one knows what they are.

Periodically this person can suffer in silence and become upset, angry, or frustrated, but no one knows why because they don’t want to rock the boat and say and things.

What happens is this person will become exhausted and lose their joy, they grow resentment, then start to become heavy and serious as they battle their emotional deficit.

Imagine if after all these years of sacrifice their partner keeps seeing their frustration and unhappiness and now wants to leave them, how devastated would they be?

“Look at what I gave up and gave to you and this is my reward!?!”

Anyone who runs a life based on trading to avoid their fears will end up building a life that will lead them straight into the jaws of those very fears.

So many clients come with this problem.

Successful lives and especially relationships only come from a healthy inner connection.

In this persons case like so many, they had planted a seed that says “they are not enough” so they believe have to perform to get back what they need.

NOTE: This is a mistake you must never trade to get your needs met in relationships.

It’s exhausting and doesn’t work, plus they are meeting a need driven by an unresolved inner fear, a fear that was planted in them at some point in their lives.

The result is they are driven to look for external validation i.e. their partner to confirm they are enough and that need won’t stop whilst the fear is alive – it can exhaust the couple.

When someone doesn’t believe they are enough they could be with the most amazing partner in the world, but would never feel it because they have yet to accept it’s true.

So ironically looking for what you need outside of yourself is a very vulnerable position to try to feel safe in.

If these people looked for self-validation instead they would feel safer.

If they discovered the only one who can decide they are enough is themselves it would free them to build a healthier relationship.

It would free them from constantly looking for proof/external validation.

The answers are not outside of you

So you see from these few examples above we can never create thriving relationships with anyone whilst our relationship with ourselves is disconnected.

Our happiness comes from within us and it that energy we must bring to our relationships.

The worse affected will not buy any of this, they will continue to blame others until the pain gets too much to bear.

But the ones who are stuck, confused, and ready for a new start towards creating inner peace, inner freedom, and inner happiness.

Those that are ready, please know I help those people on their own first so they have the strength to deal with any relationship challenges.

Inner strength comes from inner alignment.

In other words, I have never found being the worst of me is the best emotional state to solve my problems.

The relationship stuff can be learnt that’s easy, but you can’t get the best out of a partner until you get the best out of yourselves.

Ready to take action hungry to learn how?

About
Latest Posts

Stephen Hedger

About the author:

Harley Street Expert | Founder & Trusted Advisor to High Performers

With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, elite entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.

Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program

Latest posts by Stephen Hedger (see all)