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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“What I’m looking for is not out there, it is in me…”

This quote by Helen Keller has such an important meaning to me and what I have to do to help others.

You see the process of helping people back to happiness from lives that are not working is to get them to see life with clarity.

You see many people are under the impression that their life, their fulfilment, and their happiness sits outside of them.

Many of my clients are very successful people, but they come to me miserable because life is not how it should be!

You see despite what they looked for outside of themselves, despite what they achieved or aquired, happiness was fleeting it didn’t last because they didn’t look inside themselves for their answers.

Looking for happiness in the wrong places

Far too many people are unhappy and attach that unhappiness to their relationship or partner. It’s like their personal happiness is their partners responsibility.

I understand why they blame or judge, but they are not seeing the full picture and until they do the suffering will continue even if they leave and find someone new.

The problem so many don’t see is their happiness doesn’t exist outside of themselves it exists within them.

You see it would have been so helpful if we were taught growing up that we do our emotions to ourselves.

So we can blame circumstances, our parents, the fact we are not lucky, smart enough, thin enough, we can blame other people, but you simply cannot get away from one simple fact.

You are the creator so take the wheel

You are the creator of what you feel and what you feel is based on what’s been putting inside you.

I know many will now want to fight that concept, but until a person understands that once we have been triggered every emotion after that trigger is self-created and for many is based on what’s been put inside us.

After being triggered people who are emotionally lost will constantly run the same habitual self-destructive patterns.

These patterns are not helpful, are usually outdated and so people can end up feeling lost or disconnected from who they are.

Triggers are a sign to make a choice

Being triggered is a point where choices can be made, but most don’t see the choices so their response is usually limited to fear-based outcomes.

The key to inner happiness and inner peace is the understanding that none of that exists outside of us.

It’s why it’s called inner.

In essence what comes out of a person is much the same as what they put in.

You see your mind will grow what you plant.

Untrusting people will look and find ways not to trust, angry people will look for way to get angry, sad people will find a way to become sad, negative people will look for negativity as a means to connect with others.

Many people will not just grow what they plant they will then defend and protect it.

Look at this gentleman.

He had planted depression

One gentleman told me he wanted to rid himself of his depression.

What he was not aware of was his his depression was designed to get attention love and sympathy from his wife.

It was a low level way to feel significant/important.

He didn’t know how else to get her care and attention, he never learnt how to be valuable to her in the way she needed.

So getting rid of his depression it would become a threat to him, despite what he asked for.

The bigger problem was his his wife was drained by this on off depression over their many years together and he knew it wasn’t working.

He was lost, stuck, out of control and emotionally reactive.

So I wasn’t surprised at his anger when I spoilt his depression by making him laugh.

Ever got apple juice out of a lemon?

You see what comes out of people is what’s inside them, you cannot get apple juice from a lemon, what comes out can only be based on what’s inside.

Some know they do this, others don’t.

So when a person comes for my help I’m looking to discover what they have been growing and how that might affect their relationship with themselves and others around them.

Cost of living off centre

You see the biggest problem I see with couples, especially ones who have suffered is each person is unaware of how disconnected they have become with themselves.

When we lose connection with ourselves it’s almost impossible to feel good around our partners.

Emotionally living off centre can spark fears that drive negative behaviours in both people.

It’s why there are always 3 relationships to fix with couples. Each person’s relationship with themselves and the dynamic they have built.

Look at what this person did, their model was to look for happiness externally and the cost was significant.

Fear drove the need to control through pleasing to get love

Imagine a person who feels the only way to be safe in a relationship is to control how it works. The only way they feel they can control is to make their partner the centre of their world and give them everything.

What can possibly go wrong?

The problem is they will have to disregard all their own needs in favour of one need and that’s the need for certainty.

They think their giving selflessly will be the perfect route to feeling safe.

The problem is when a person does this their other critical needs (the ignored ones) will not be met because they are not getting back what they need because no one knows what they are.

Periodically this person can suffer in silence and become upset, angry, or frustrated, but no one knows why because they don’t want to rock the boat and say and things.

What happens is this person will become exhausted and lose their joy, they grow resentment, then start to become heavy and serious as they battle their emotional deficit.

Imagine if after all these years of sacrifice their partner keeps seeing their frustration and unhappiness and now wants to leave them, how devastated would they be?

“Look at what I gave up and gave to you and this is my reward!?!”

Anyone who runs a life based on trading to avoid their fears will end up building a life that will lead them straight into the jaws of those very fears.

So many clients come with this problem.

Successful lives and especially relationships only come from a healthy inner connection.

In this persons case like so many, they had planted a seed that says “they are not enough” so they believe have to perform to get back what they need.

NOTE: This is a mistake you must never trade to get your needs met in relationships.

It’s exhausting and doesn’t work, plus they are meeting a need driven by an unresolved inner fear, a fear that was planted in them at some point in their lives.

The result is they are driven to look for external validation i.e. their partner to confirm they are enough and that need won’t stop whilst the fear is alive – it can exhaust the couple.

When someone doesn’t believe they are enough they could be with the most amazing partner in the world, but would never feel it because they have yet to accept it’s true.

So ironically looking for what you need outside of yourself is a very vulnerable position to try to feel safe in.

If these people looked for self-validation instead they would feel safer.

If they discovered the only one who can decide they are enough is themselves it would free them to build a healthier relationship.

It would free them from constantly looking for proof/external validation.

The answers are not outside of you

So you see from these few examples above we can never create thriving relationships with anyone whilst our relationship with ourselves is disconnected.

Our happiness comes from within us and it that energy we must bring to our relationships.

The worse affected will not buy any of this, they will continue to blame others until the pain gets too much to bear.

But the ones who are stuck, confused, and ready for a new start towards creating inner peace, inner freedom, and inner happiness.

Those that are ready, please know I help those people on their own first so they have the strength to deal with any relationship challenges.

Inner strength comes from inner alignment.

In other words, I have never found being the worst of me is the best emotional state to solve my problems.

The relationship stuff can be learnt that’s easy, but you can’t get the best out of a partner until you get the best out of yourselves.

Ready to take action hungry to learn how?

  • About
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Stephen Hedger
Stephen Hedger
About the author:

Harley Street Expert | Founder & Trusted Advisor to High Performers

With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, elite entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.

Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
Stephen Hedger
Latest posts by Stephen Hedger (see all)
  • “I feel nothing… and he’s no idea why!” – MiniPost - May 19, 2025
  • 7 Steps For a Successful Marriage Repair Process - May 17, 2025
  • Do You Know Your Values & Why They Are So Important? - May 11, 2025

Related posts:

Why Your Marriage Feels Stuck (And How to Break Free Without Forcing Change) “This is Making Men Unattractive…” Why Husbands Are Losing Attraction to Their Wives Case Studies: “How Changing Your Perspective Can Fix Your Relationship—Here’s Proof” “You Might Be in the Wrong Relationship… But Not for the Reason You Think…” “Couples are failing at the basics…” In Crisis, their Minds Destroyed Their Lives “What if I’m not enough?”

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Recent Posts

  • “I feel nothing… and he’s no idea why!” – MiniPost
  • 7 Steps For a Successful Marriage Repair Process
  • Do You Know Your Values & Why They Are So Important?
  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
  • Impossible Marriage Problems?
  • “What if I’m not enough?”
  • “Another 5 Years Like This? No Way!”
  • In Crisis, their Minds Destroyed Their Lives

Over 1300 Relationship Articles


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  • Case Studies (2)
  • Communication (70)
  • Destructive Patterns (137)
  • Discussion (2)
  • Infidelity-Affairs (38)
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  • Loss of passion (35)
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  • Masculine & Feminine (9)
  • Mini Posts (1)
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  • Separation & Divorce (9)
  • Stop & Never – Mini Posts (54)
  • Stuck (9)
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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

Popular Posts

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To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally.


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.


Click to Download FREE

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Recent Clients: New York, Dubai, Los Angeles, Austrailia, Japan, Germany, France, Ireland, UK, Monaco to name a few.

Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems.

Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • “I feel nothing… and he’s no idea why!” – MiniPost
  • 7 Steps For a Successful Marriage Repair Process
  • Do You Know Your Values & Why They Are So Important?
  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
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Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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