If challenged I expect all couples would agree that being honest is critical to make a relationship successful.
Most of the couples that come to me for help will admit that if they had said how they were really feeling when things started to go wrong in their relationship, they would be in a different/better place today. I also have couples tell me they were honest, but were never heard.
- Of course honesty is only effective if what is said, is understood…
There are some key trends that I have noticed: Men fear bringing up problems, because if they do it usually means a very long chat, she will become upset, that chat will make little sence to him, plus he has no obvious way to fix the problem. This prospect is very painful to most men because, he feels he will fail and this could damage the relationship.
Women can drop BIG hints to their partners, to them they seem so obvious, but they become frustrated because their partner never seems to get the message, or if he does, he is clearly ignoring it. This to her can be proof that she is not heard and so is not valued by her partner. If she is not valued she is therefore in the wrong relationship.
A man may fear bring up how he feels so he decides to just put up with whatever is troubling him for a quiet life. Just this process starts to disconnect him with himself. As he does this his partner will notice this shift and is likely to react to it negatively. Now the relationship is in a distorted place. He may have been trying to protect the relationship from problems, but the outcome is now more problems as the closeness they once had starts to drift apart as he can start to feel unsuccessful in his relationship. At this point he will spend more time where he does feel successful and this could be work, hobbies or mates.
A woman may feel that she is never heard and so after years of trying she decides to shut down or nag him. I see many women who do this, they feel that they have communicated and he has chosen to ignore her. In this place she will no longer look to her partner to give her what she needs and gets it either from herself, friends, family, children or work.
The real challenge is not that the couple are not honest people, the challenge is they don’t know how to communicate how they feel and what their needs are in a way that will be heard and respected by their partner.
So they either keep doing what they have always done in the vain hope their partner will hear them, or they decide to escape the relationship.
Does it feel like this is what’s going on for you? If so call me now.