So many years ago a client came to me because she kept choosing the wrong man to be with she was 41.
As I shared each level of new understanding with her, she burst into tears.
Why are you crying? I asked
Why don’t I know this? She sobbed.
I have come to learn that this is a common message from my clients.
In fact, my journey into discovering what I now teach today was jaw-dropping for me too.
Not only was I shocked at what I didn’t know, but was double shocked this was not part of my upbringing.
How can we be so pro-marriage yet teach no one what it takes to stay married for life?
So if you are having problems, please know as horrible as it is – it’s not your fault.
It’s highly likely you simply do not know what to do to fix the problems.
Any badly designed marriage is, by its nature, designed to go wrong, but most people are unaware.
I was speaking with a CEO of a company you will all know.
He was in the same camp; he was confused.
How could he be so successful in his business life and know so little about keeping his marriage alive?
He asked me a question “With a divorce rate that consistently high, where are we all going so wrong?”
I said, “For every couple, it goes wrong at the start.”
He raised his eyebrows and said, “…really?”
“Yes, at the start of any relationship that works, we have two people who are happy.”
“It’s how one date turns into two and so on….”
“The problem is they are happy for different reasons, and they don’t know it.”
It sets an illusion that they are on the same page. As the years unfold, they will discover this is untrue.
So when the relationship goes wrong, and it will, getting it back to a shared happiness will feel impossible.
Neither person knows what equals happiness to the other and why.
The circular nature of reoccurring upsets will make each person increasingly unhappy.
Over time this process will cause resentment and create a need to self-protect in one or both people.
This is a process that can eventually switch off their feelings for each other.
One gentleman came for help as his wife wanted a divorce.
By changing his thinking to align with hers and what equals happiness for her, she stopped asking for a divorce.
Instead, she started calling upon him and wanting his attention and needing him again.
He was blown away that it worked!
He said the way to approach her was a totally new way of thinking for him, which he is now committed to.
He said he would never have come up with these ideas as a means to save his marriage.
He joked, “If saving my marriage had been left to me, we would be divorced!”
Plain and simple, each person is unique and has a very specific path to their unique happiness.
So unless you know how to learn their code for happiness, you will bring them your happiness code which is almost guaranteed to fail with them.
So if you notice by trying to make a life together better, you discover it’s getting worse – now you know why.
For most individuals and couples, this process is a learnable way to stack the odds toward the outcome you desire.
So are you ready to understand your partner and create the marriage you were supposed to have?