My clients are bright successful people. Yet the sentence I hear almost every week is “why don’t we know this?”
I asked myself the same question as I discovered more and more about intimate relationships, why they work and why they don’t.
- Why do they start ok and why do they die?
- What creates attraction and what makes that die?
- How can so much love turn into so much hate?
It’s jaw-dropping we are all left to understand our relationships with no help.
Worse than that is we don’t know what we don’t know so we don’t look for the help we need.
Or we rely too much on what we think we know, unaware it really isn’t enough.
Whole family’s lives are hanging in the balance of so many misunderstandings and painful confusions.
He loved her
I remember sitting in a session and a gentleman who was a company CEO. He was on his own with me and was in floods of tears.
His wife had complained at him for years she was unhappy, but her words made no real sense to him, in his world she had everything.
He hadn’t ignored her words he just didn’t know what to do with them so he hoped time would heal the problem.
She was now questioning the marriage and their future together which is why he came to me alone for answers.
I helped this man see the world through his wife eyes.
He had discovered how his wife was translating his behaviour throughout their marriage.
He had no idea she saw him and the world that way and how much pain she was in as a result.
Through his tears, he said, “if I had known what was going on for her I would have helped in a heartbeat”.
“I didn’t know! I didn’t know!” he sobbed.
He told me he loved his wife and was only now seeing why she had struggled so much.
Seeing each others world is a critical skill for couples.
The thing is people don’t know what to do and it’s not their fault, what I have to share with individuals and couples today was nowhere to be seen as I was growing up.
So I expect people to be lost and confused.
This next lady was struggling too, not her fault but she needed help.
She was her problem
Another lady had lived 40 years without understanding what drove her towards inappropriate men.
She was on the tail end of another bad connection and she called me. Other counsellors had told her she should wait and a suitable man would turn up.
She thought that she was the problem and to her surprise I agreed.
So she had to see me.
The moment she understood her drivers were her own fears and what she went through growing up, in floods of tears she said “why didn’t I know this”?
I told her she now had a choice she could spend the rest of her life regretting her lost years or she could embrace the next 50 and claim the life she should have always lived.
She has since kept me updated over the years with her engagement and marriage.
Once people understand they will change
Another gentleman was reacting badly to his wife for years and after just 3 sessions she could see he was now understanding her and instead of making things worse he was now helping her.
She had no idea he didn’t understand her, she just thought they were wrong for each other.
She thought she would have to leave him but owed the marriage one last try.
She is now understanding how she can support him and how she can help him to become successful with her.
She used to blow-up and pick at him, he used to blow-up and walk off, now they don’t need to do this anymore.
Much to their relief.
Chances are you’re not wrong for each other
So many people are suffering together and they don’t know why.
Many people conclude they are incompatible, blaming each other for their problems.
If they keep blaming others they will fall into the trap of multiple relationships not seeing the real problem.
People don’t know what they don’t know
The biggest problem is people just don’t know what they don’t know.
Plus people are not looking for what they don’t know.
In the world of relationships it’s what you don’t know will hurt you most.
This is why individuals and couples need help understanding what they currently can’t see.
When should we seek help?
When people are happy they don’t search for help, because they think they don’t need it despite most people knowing the divorce rate is 50%+.
What would people do if they knew only a small percentage of the other 50% who stayed married were actually happy.
Might they re-think their education in this area?
I was once asked when should couples or individuals come to me for help and the answer is simple.
They should come the day they decided to marry and now!
You see life is full of problems and unless you deal with those problems as a team and without compromise, suffering will arrive.
Very few know how to do this, again not their fault.
Look at these groups of people who are attending my sessions in volumes.
- Retired couples – in crisis!
- Couples who have sold a company – in crisis!
- Kids have or are about to leave home and the couple is in crisis!
So at a time when these couples should be basking in the fruits of their labor, enjoying the amazing job they’ve done with their kids, they enter a crisis.
The reason this happens for many is because all the distractions are going away.
They are left with two identities they didn’t know how to feed.
Their relationship was starved of the energy of how to be an effective “husband” and “wife”.
They were unaware their roles of “father”, “mother” and “career person(s)”, had masked the immense connection deficit in their marriage.
So their connection wasn’t working and they have just noticed due to their life-changing situation.
And now I’m having to spend the last few years I have left on this planet with you..! The person I have no connection with and no purpose.
One gentleman 71 said he discovered through the Marriage breakthrough Program how much he didn’t know about his wife.
He said “I knew her of course, but I didn’t really know her did I”?
Attraction is natural, being married for life isn’t, so learning how be married and happy is a critical life skill.
If you want help please get on the list here.
It’s not necessary to suffer once you know what to do.