Imagine a person setting their relationship up to fail, without ever knowing, imagine if the way a person sets up their marriage is what will collapse it in years to come.
This is exactly what I keep seeing and have to help couples undo.
Couple after couple are attending sessions and are telling me they cannot believe they are so lost that they need external help, they never thought a marital crisis would ever happen to them.
People are quite literally walking into relationships blind and if they work or not is a 50/50 gamble unaware the 50% that do stay together are not as happy as they let the world believe.
So many couples come to sessions telling me their friends and family would be shocked they are struggling and no one is to blame for the problems.
None of us are naturally equipped to understand each other.
So without understanding, they put everything on RED, their years of emotional investment, their effort their home, their family and their finances.
They have built their whole life on foundations that would never support what they both need and neither person could see it back then.
They have no idea the risk they were taking and for one reason.
When they met:- they got what they wanted long before they ever earned it.
There is nowhere else in life where this happens, where else do you get the payoff before you add any value?
Couples that get happiness, passion, and fun with no knowledge and no skill will of course assume this is a natural state so conclude they are meant to be together.
So on the basis of these illusions, they can decide to get married, unaware it’s like getting into a fast-moving car with no steering wheel.
So the love magically descends, and passion just happens yet neither person is unaware of how to keep this energy alive?
They assume what they have will stay, they have no idea what is coming.
What each person starting a relationship is unaware of is their partner is enjoying the same thing, but for very different reasons neither person knows or seems to care and why would they?
Who questions a good time when it arrives?
This is the problem, they think they are on the same page until one day they notice they are not and this can happen in a few weeks or 30 years later.
One day they will see the lack of alignment unaware that has been there all the time – from day one.
So many couples live for years in a finely balanced system that to them works and then a small shift can shatter or erode their connection over time.
This is why NOT understanding why it’s working is such a problem. Life is all about change and so the connection needs to be understood to weather those inevitable life changes.
Look at this example: He won’t know what she needs and she won’t know how to teach him, all she can tell him is when he gets it wrong.
He has never learned the exact process she will need for intimacy to stay alive in her because he never needed to know until they started to go off track and she said no.
She doesn’t know what she needs for her to feel attracted to him because these feelings have always been automatic.
She doesn’t know how to get the best out of him because she assumes his emotional system works the same as hers, so what she does bring to him will keep having a negative effect on him.
Both people end up pushing each other away in their quest to get closer and they have no idea this is what they are doing.
They will now grow the energy that will take one person to a disconnect on some level.
Couples are practising this type of model year-after-year and one person can give up as they may assume this is the truth of their connection.
To be clear it will only be the truth of the dynamic of two people who don’t know what they are doing, they are managing their relationship badly, but are simply not aware.
What usually causes the biggest problem is the poor behaviour/coping strategies that follow the core problem.
The affairs, the drugs, the lies, the secrets these get in the way of couples getting to their truth because they cause so much pain and suffering.
Both people are assuming the way they think and their route to happiness is the same.
They couldn’t be more wrong – these two people are very different and unless seen correctly the differences will be taken badly.
If you knew what to look for, you would see these critical differences at play right at the start of their relationship.
You would see why it worked and why they were under the illusion they were on the same page.
You would also see why today it wasn’t working and exactly what to do about it.
This is the key, being able to see why it’s broken and the opportunity right in front of you.
If you keep searching for why it’s broken from your own perspective you’ll totally miss why it’s broken from theirs.
Their problem is they cannot share their problem so you will understand it.
The obvious go-to position for people in ongoing problematic relationships is to assume the relationship is wrong, so they might be incompatible.
They might be right of course, but this is rarer than you’d think.
What’s more common is people are running ineffective relationship-building models that would fail with anyone.
It’s very common for me to tell a client that what they have been doing wouldn’t work for anyone but they were not to know.
It’s why second-marriage failures are so much higher than first, it’s why marriages that come from affairs have a 95% failure rate.
Most people are not bad people they are simply unhappy people.
Without understanding how to effectively manage their relationship every single person on the planet is going to struggle.
Marriage is the most important decision in anyone’s life yet it’s the areas we are the least skilled.
Remember what I wrote a the start of this post about when they first met “…they got what they wanted long before they ever earned it…” so people don’t think they need skills.
My clients come to master relationship-building skills, it’s why so many now attend on their own.
You see they have a question they need an answer to.
They have understood the relationship isn’t working, but the smart people are wondering if they are part of the problem, or are we just the wrong fit?
They are coming wanting to learn how to become effective relationship partners.
Mastering the art of becoming an effective partner will help you understand:-
- If you are in the right or wrong relationship model
- It will create the ability to design your relationship life so it’s the way you want it
- You will have more of the emotions you want.
- You will never be afraid of other people’s emotions again
You can do this on your own or your partner can do this too.
My clients want effective relationships and so they come wanting to learn so the rest of their life makes sense.