This is how it started “In your quest to save your marriage you are making it worse without knowing, I’m now going to show you why”. This is the start of a conversation with a gentleman who was suffering as his relationship was collapsing.
Before we get into what happened at the end of the post is an important announcement for you.
Most relationships don’t break because of what went wrong.
They break because of what people did next after it went wrong.
When it starts to go wrong — when things feel tense, disconnected, or distant — most people run self-defence patterns. They try to fix it the only way they know how:
- They demand more.
- They stack pressure.
- They pull away to protect themselves.
- They shut down or lash out.
- They tell themselves stories like, “Maybe we’re just not compatible anymore.”
But here’s what we’ve learned:
When it starts to go wrong, most people accidentally make it worse.
So, what do most people get wrong when the marriage starts to wobble?
Let me walk you through five patterns we see every day — and what changes when someone finally learns how to interrupt the loop instead of feeding it.
1. They try to fix the symptom…
You’re arguing more. Intimacy is off. They’re distant. You feel alone.
So you focus on the surface:
What they said. What they didn’t do. How they’re making you feel.
But the truth is, what’s showing up on the surface is being fed by something deeper — a behavioural pattern between you both. And unless that shifts, you’re just treating symptoms with more symptoms.
Notice this:
“What if the real problem isn’t what happened… but the dynamic we keep repeating?” What couples will notice is they practice the same path when their is a problem, they will know the start and how it usually ends.
The objective is to change this pattern to a win-win model.
2. They blame — which guarantees defensiveness
When you’re hurting, it makes total sense to say:
“You’re not there for me.”
“You don’t care anymore.”
“You never listen.”
It’s honest… but it’s also inflammatory.
The second your partner feels attacked, they shut down — or fire back. Now you’re not solving anything. You’re just feeding the cycle.
Try this instead:
Speak from the emotional need, not the accusation the conversation has to be a win-win or it won’t work.
3. They abandon their true self to ‘keep the peace’
Here’s the silent killer: Self-abandonment.
One partner shrinks. Over-functions. Walks on eggshells. Hopes that if they “just do more,” things will get better.
But it doesn’t work.
Because the more you disconnect from yourself, the less connected they feel to you too.
Better strategy:
Show up as someone you’re proud of. Not needy. Not guarded. Not performing. Just grounded in your own values and care.
4. They let attraction die without realising why
Most couples think chemistry just fades. But it doesn’t.
What actually fades is emotional polarity — the tension between the energies you both brought when you first met.
When the masculine and feminine energies go flat, the connection feels like friendship at best — roommates at worst.
Reignite polarity:
Reclaim the energy you first brought to the table. Stop managing the relationship, and start relating again.
5. They react — instead of leading
We all have emotional loops:
Trigger → Meaning → Belief → Reaction → Disconnection
Most people don’t even realise it’s happening. They’re just in it.
But if you can see the loop, you can interrupt it.
And when one person interrupts the loop — the whole relationship shifts.
Leadership question:
“What does this moment need from me, am I showing up as the best version of who I want to be?”
Final thought:
If you’re in a tough spot, don’t panic.
You’re not crazy. You’re not failing. You’re just reacting in ways you were never taught to question.
But here’s the most hopeful part:
The moment you stop making it worse… you start making it better especially if you start looking for you both to win.
Not by fixing your partner.
But by choosing new patterns.
By showing up differently.
By leading with care instead of fear.
That’s the shift that saves relationships.
That’s the shift that changes everything.
True wisdom can only come from learning how to become more effective.
The real secret is choosing who you will become in your marriage if you don’t decide that you cannot drive the relationship and yourself to the relationship you want.
Becoming a better partner is the only way forward – there is no other way.
As a final note: Never let your emotions drive life changing decisions, by their nature emotions are not logical.
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If you’ve ever wished you could get Stephen’s guidance in the moment — when emotions are high, connection feels lost, or you just need to know what to do next — now you can.
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Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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