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How To Cope With An Insecure Partner

August 31, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you have a partner that feels insecure for any reason then your mission is to find out the route cause and support them through it, without judgement or resentment.

Getting fed-up with your partner or punishing them will never help, because all you will get is more insecurity as they feel you moving further away from them emotionally.

They may become so insecure that they cannot bear the relationship any longer and so they will end it just to stop their own pain so be careful how you handle them.

Relationships that don’t work are 50/50 relationships because these relationship are conditional, on your partner always doing something for you and whilst they are insecure this will be a struggle for them.

Unconditional relationship

What works best is an unconditional relationship, because you are the strong one at this time it is up to you to take control and 100% responsibility for the relationship to make this right in their time of weakness.

If you feel that you cannot offer this unconditional love to your partner then maybe you are a contributor to why they feel a lack of security with you. A lack of  ability to offer a partner unconditional love is driven by a fear within that person.

Your job is to help you partner feel secure every day so ask them what needs to happen so they feel secure and do not judge them, or their answers, because one day you maybe the weak one needing help.

We may not always understand what our partners are going through, so we must respect them at all times, and help them through what may seem ridiculous or irrational to us.

If I please my partner I will hurt myself

If you feel that your partners requests to help them feel secure compromise your own values then it’s possible that professional help maybe needed to help you both.

But again you can seek help yourself so you understand what they are going through and what behaviours you can generate that will support their recovery.

Understand this, the lack of security they might feel is not an attack on you, it is an automatic response mechanism within them designed to protect them from harm and is usually not rational.

So understand that the underlying intention is not to hurt or disrespect you. It is easy to feel that you are not trusted, and as trust is the foundation of your relationship and it’s a hard one to hear if you don’t understand where within them it’s coming from.

  • If you are in this situation and are stuck with what to do,
    please get in contact today please: Click Here.
Filed Under: Relationship Fears Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Stressed, depressed, anxious, unhappy for no reason?

August 30, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Many people I see in relationship coaching sessions suffer from an inner conflict of some kind where no matter what they choose they are unhappy. This can bring on feelings of being depressed, stressed, anxious or unhappy either for what they think is the reason, or for no reason at all.

They go round-and-round in circles with their own thoughts, never really knowing what seems right. They know something is wrong, but they can never put their finger on what is really causing their pain.

The most usual route to success with this kind of problem is…

Step one

…is to understand if there is a gap between how they think their life should be compared to their perception of their own reality. A difference here will give anyone a feeling that they are not living the life they were born to live, yet their might be really good reason why they have not got what they want, but they either can’t accept it, or their map of how life should be is out of date.

Step two

…to understand how the different personalities within themselves have created the life they have today. They are usually are living in a fear state were they are ready for problems to hit them all of the time and this version of them is usually exhausted, so they feel down, or depressed, stress, anxious or all four.

Step three

…to understand their critical needs, values and rules for life. What we usually discover is that without knowing they have set these up so they can never win and so they always go round-and-round in circles, looking for answers that never appear. They look for what they think the problem is and so they either blame it, or remove it and this could be their relationship,

Step four

…is to realign all these parts of them so they are working together and then to build strength and confidence within the individual so they are able to create resourceful states at will, so they are always in control.

Taking these four steps whilst getting leverage so a change become easier for the individual makes a massive impact on how the individuals now sees the world.

They can see why they have gotten to where they are today and what is hurting them. This detailed information helps them choose a better way to live and still creates the happiness they were always after.

Does this sound like something you are suffering with, maybe your partner is unhappy, but they don’t know why, or perhaps you have a friend or family member who suffers from depression or stress and can’t seem to break that pattern

  • If so I can help please get in touch today click here
Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , , ,

Sexual Advances Blocked By Her Values

August 29, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 3 Comments

Dear Stephen

A guy that I have known for awhile has made an advance to want to kiss me. I don’t know where I stand with him. We have a platonic friendship – no committed relationship. His past relationships have been shaky – non committal – he has never been married – 50 years old which makes me feel emotionally unsafe with him.

I am interested in a long term relationship and eventually want to marry. I consider kissing very erotic which could lead to becoming sexual which I do not want to do before I am married. I don’t want to compromise my faith in God. I also consider kissing to be a part of a committed, monogamous relationship.

How do I explain all of this to him without being demanding – and thinking that I’m needy for him to want a relationship with me? I want to tell him all of the above and also that he needs to look at himself as to why he has been in and out of relationships all of his life. He needs to do this for himself not for a relationship. I need help in explaining this to him in love and not seeming judgemental. Also, I want to tell him that the relationship that I want is that both partners have the same beliefs and values.

Thank you.

—————————————————————————————-

Thank you for your request for help.

I would firstly like to honour and respect your strong sense of yourself displayed through your beliefs, needs and your values.

You have set these up so well, that they will not allow you to compromises your long-term wishes for yourself and a happy future. This strength within you will allow you to be at one with yourself and all your life choices so this is a brilliant start.

You are also aware that through your feelings of wanting the best for you, you don’t want to be judgemental of him because you are probably aware that you may not understand fully, why he has behaved the way he has through his past relationships.

None of us are qualified to be anyone’s judge, so what we are left with is some questions, that for you, clearly need to be answered before you could ever be happy with this man.

The first question is what has generated a life without commitment for him? Is there a weakness in his values, or has is he also been living by his values, but they are just different to yours? Maybe he has never met someone right for him and he has been true to himself, or maybe he also lives in fear of being hurt, just like you.

Many, many possibilities and this is why a judgement of him is not possible or fair. However you are right to be concerned, because you see he has lived a life which is not like the one you want, and you know that to be happy you would have to share the same vision and values.

You also mention that you don’t want to be demanding. You’re never demanding if all you do is set a boundary of what you will accept. A boundary is a solid and inactive place that protects you, the word demanding is only relevant when someone who is aware of your boundary selfishly takes action and steps over it, again and again. Was he aware of your boundary?

You are in a position of strength here through your beliefs and values so you will never be hurt if you live by them as you are.

An honest conversation with this man outlining your critical needs, will help him understand what he has to do if he wishes to have a relationship with you, this is simply you being “honest” and I know you value that.

As you know he is not qualified to judge you so no matter what his opinion of you after your conversation this could never be respected or trusted.

I have one question for you? He has shown sexual attraction, but does that mean he wants more? Be sure you understand his intention behind his advance, because you maybe rejected through confusion of meaning, is this where your fear sits with him?

Your other option is to wait to see if he makes another advance towards you, if he does then that’s your chance to let him know what is important to you and if he is serious about you what you would like to happen so you can be safe.

If he is an honest, respectful man and he really wants you he will do anything to help you to feel secure with him by giving you what you really need.

Please let us know how you get on.

Stephen Hedger

Filed Under: Your Questions Answered Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Prevention or Cure which is best?

August 28, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I’m sure that the logical side of all of us will agree that prevention of any problem we have is far better than putting ourselves through a problem and then having to find a cure.

So if this really makes sense then why do most couples choose to not look to for answers to what equals success for their relationship before the problems hits them.

The reasons are many, but here are a few…

  • It’s unromantic to put our relationship under the microscope
  • They are scared to look in case they find something they don’t like
  • They don’t believe anyone could help them
  • We are different and so we will never get to the point of splitting up

The problem is, if any couple goes into a relationship believing that they will not face challenges they will be massively deluding themselves, because we all do, no matter how good your relationship is.

What is, or could impact your relationship?

Assumptions, poor communication, fears, other people, work, family again there are many, many more who all have a massive impact on us from day-to-day and this impact will create a shift within us without us knowing.

At this point we can move from being in the version of ourselves where the world is always great, into the version of fear.

From here the world looks very different and if you live here for long enough, and you and your partner don’t know what to do, you can start attaching your fears to your relationship and without meaning to spend the next few years sabotaging each other without knowing as you try to get back to the place where everything was amazing.

  • FACT: No great decisions ever come from the version of you that is in a fear state.

The really smart people know there is a lot they don’t know, so…

The smart people know that these situations will happen and so they seek information and guidance to ensure that whatever comes up, they are able to notice the danger before it happens and help each other become realigned with each other critical needs and more importantly their most important values that equal happiness.

Most people don’t understand what these are, or how they work and if that’s you then please get in touch because the impact of not understanding this is massive, and is one of the biggest contributors to relationship break-ups from thousands of couples who all thought they were different and special.

It would never happen to them… BUT IT DID!


Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

The Perfect Partner

August 27, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

Have you always dreamed of being with the perfect partner?

The person that is 1000% committed to you only. A person who is committed to serving you everyday to ensure that all your needs are met, and that you are on a journey to be the person you have always wanted to be and they support you on that journey through your life together.

A partner that works with you every day to grow your relationship to be one where unconditional love exists. Where you receive so much that is critical for you to feel happy, that you never have to take and you are accepted just the way you are.

A person who helps you to feel secure that no matter what happens you will always be together, united against the whole world if you need to be.

  • A person who never makes you wrong, and is never your judge.
  • A person who makes you feel like the most important person in the world all the time in all situations.
  • A person who shows you unconditional love regardless of what you do to them.

A person who is committed to give your relationship a purpose and grow your relationship to be one filled with all you desire from emotional to physical needs.

Someone who makes your life fun, and provides you with a life full of the adventure, passion and excitement.

Your perfect partner is one that gives and gives, and never asks for anything in return and they do this because they love you beyond words.

Does this sound like someone you would like to be with?

If when you read this it sounds like the relationship you want to have, then I will show you how to get it no matter if you are married or dating… here goes…

  • The answer is simple, be this person yourself first.

You have to be the perfect partner before you will ever attract a person that is capable of being this for you. If you are in a committed relationship already you have to show your current partner how to give you what you want through example, do this and they will follow your lead without even realising.

Be the example that equals perfection to you.

In other words if you desire a higher standard of relationship from your partner, be sure that you meet that standard yourself first.

Until you do this your relationship will always be less than what you really want.

.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Passionless Relationship

August 26, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

Are you living in a passionless relationship? Do you want to know why it happened and how to change it? Then please read on…

What happens in most relationships is this. After the initial excitement of meeting each other, feeling that rush of you can’t wait to be together and rip each others clothes off, what happens is life start to take over.

Friends, family, work, bills, hobbies and one day you notice that the passion you both had for each other has changed, and where you used to make time available to be with each other now you are lucky to get any kind of real conversation, let alone instinctive red hot passion.

Something has changed and you can feel it!

Two things have changed, one is the sexual driving, feel good chemicals that are produced when you first met, and secondly the effort that you both put in that helped to create those chemicals.

So what worked really well when you first met you have chosen to change, probably without noticing, or maybe you just expect the passion to die because everyone says it always does. Maybe that advice is coming from everyone who is making the same mistakes and now everyone is lost and agrees that this is what happens as if it is a fact, when it’s just their experience.

What changes is the behaviours of the couple
and it’s this that kills the passion.

You may have worried that maybe the relationship is not right after all and so you went on a search for more problems and it was not long before you found them, because no matter how good any relationship is there will always be problems.

The truth here is whatever you focused on was what you got. Or in other words what you didn’t focus i.e. each other, on you got far less of.

Your energy will go to where your focus is. So remember when you focused all day on seeing him, or her and all you could see in your mind was how beautiful, or handsome your partner was to you, and the adventure that might unfold on your next date. How you did you feel inside? Amazing of course, but when you focused on potential problems, you then felt terrible and attached that feeling to the relationship or your partner without knowing.

The passion in your relationship has not died you have just forgotten to focus on it, because other stuff became important, or maybe you felt that you had to pull yourself together and be careful incase he or she will not hurt you, or maybe feeling sexual all the time was not right, and that is a rule you never knew you had.

The problem is this, when your focus went to a place of pain you can then attached that pain to your partner or those feeling and so you won’t allow that to happen again. Now you have sabotaged your own passion through your thoughts and a focus of fear which you probably made up.

Remember this, your focus is very powerful and can change you whole future and direction, so be sure that this focus is 100% in line with all you value, and does not come from a place of fear, because this will always hurt you and in the context of passion will kill it dead.
AND… The thing that makes any relationship special is that bond of intimacy that is reserved for just the two of you. Without it you are just friends, and is that what you want?

Filed Under: Passionless Relationships Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Your Relationship With You

August 25, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you have been reading my daily relationship posts for a while now, you will notice that even though helping you create passionate lasting relationships is my goal, my focus is on a much bigger goal for you.

  • That bigger and more critical goal for you is to help you to have an amazing relationship with yourself, so no matter what happens in your life you will always be OK.

The reason this is top of the list is because most people have no idea how they work, worse is they think they know themselves yet they spend years emotionally hurting themselves, and then blame either others, the world, or the fact they are just unlucky when things go wrong. This is called learnt helplessness.

For example: Those people through no fault of their own go through their lives using trial and error as their preferred strategy for creating the most important part of anyone’s life, and that is choosing who to spend the rest of their lives with, and trial and error again on how to manage that relationship so it gives them all they need to be happy.



From that weak position of understanding of themselves and their partner, who is also likely to be lost, they even agree to legally marry and to share all their worldly possessions. They agree that if it goes wrong they will be forced to give a large portion of their possessions and future earnings to their partner who it seems wasn’t quite right for them after all.

They do all this on the back of trial and error and how they feel at that time, this is a painful and expensive approach to leave to chance.

I will translate this from the perspective of a relationship coach.

Two people who don’t understand how to listen to their own critical needs, values, and rules for their happiness is setting themselves up for a life of pain. They are also unaware of how this combined with their fears is crafted their decisions every day. These people feel they are in control of their lives, but most are in a place of learnt helplessness and they don’t know, until one day it all goes horribly wrong.

  • These people also make life changing decisions about each other under the influence of a force far bigger than all of us… NATURE!

Nature has given two people who are attracted to each other a bucket full of feel good chemicals in response to each other so they will have sex and grow the human population.

The couple mistake these feelings for ever lasting true love and feel amazing about each other, until they don’t.

By this time they could be married and have kids.

Nature never factored in a house

Nature never planned for you to live in a box together, all nature planned is for you to want to create more little versions of you and so we are not designed for longevity. After the initial attraction and excitement of weddings, houses and children we become lost and directionless as a couple.

At this point we start to feel that the relationship has lost it’s excitement, we don’t feel the same about each other as the sexual excitement has gone and so we move to a place of fear where we wonder if we will be enough for our partner or if the relationship was a mistake.

Some will live together in a passionless relationship, some will look outside the relationship to feel good again, some will become depressed and some will get out fast and some will get out slow.

Very few sustain amazing relationships because even amazing relationships will eventually lack variety to keep life exciting.

Those that do give up will then repeat all this again with their next partner, this is why most relationships after a marriage break-up fail.

This will happen a few times until they hit about 40 ish when they have had enough and they can see that trial and error does not work and so the smart people look for where they can get real answers and so they seek help.

They at this point fear the next 40 years more than the thought of seeking help, which is the reverse thought pattern of those between 20-30.

It doesn’t have to be this way

Now imagine this… Imagine you knew how you really worked, and you knew how to present that honest version of you to either your dates, if you are looking for someone or to your husband or wife.

Now imagine being able to communicate that honest version of you so your partner understands exactly what you need to be happy.

If you have found the right person for you they will want you to be happy and so they will do everything in their power to make that a reality for you.

If you find yourself with someone who is not committed to doing this for you then there are two reasons. They are lazy or scared and this would have to change if a successful relationship is your goal.

So you see, if you don’t understand you, or where you want to be then you are out of control, and this is really bad for you, bad for your relationship, and crippling for your children who are looking up at a lost person for guidance.

This is why my focus is to help you discover the truth about you, it’s critical to your happiness.

Stephen Hedger helps couples and individuals understand who they really are, what they need to be happy and how to communicate it. These sessions form part of helping people attract life partners through dating, or to help couples in crisis, or those who just want better relationships.

Filed Under: Relationship Thoughts Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Different Versions Of You

August 24, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

Have you ever noticed that when you speak to different people they bring our different versions of you? These different people will give you a feeling inside, and from those feelings you’ll decide if you like the person or not, and from here you’ll create your behaviours.

Have you ever wondered why and how this happens? Understanding this will not only change your perspective on the world you live in, but it will also change your perspective on your relationships.

Did you know you have created different versions of you

In each of us are many different personalities for example, for a woman there would be the soft feminine version of her, the protective masculine side, the naughty sexy side, the fun loving side, the adventure side, in fact she can have 20+ different versions of her that at some point she created without knowing.

She thinks this is just the way she is, but what she doesn’t yet know is she can control these versions of herself and change her future. Men are the same.

Depending on which version of ourselves we are in, we will always create a different outcome.

So when people speak to us what happens is the meaning we give to what that person is doing or saying will bring out a different version of us.

So the state we are in before they talk to us combined with our meaning of them creates a feeling within us.

So yesterday you can be getting on just fine with your partner, or friend and the today nothing seems to have changed, but something doesn’t feel right, or the same.

The reason this happened is because yesterday a different version of you was out and a different version of them was out. Today you will have brought out different versions of each other again and so it doesn’t feel the same.

Every time you interact with anyone this is happening and so you are creating different worlds with the same people and this can scare you, excite you, make you happy, or sad.

So with these constant changes you will give this a meaning and attach your meaning to them. You might say I don’t like him, or she is miserable or he’s so exciting.

Live in the wrong version of you and you’ll experience a painful life

We see people changing all the time, BUT what we don’t yet know is these different versions of ourselves can create different futures, because from these different states and versions of ourselves we will create different decisions. Different decisions equals different futures.

What is more concerning is when someone gets stuck, and lives constantly in one personality type, because they feel safer, but the result can be depression, anxiety or just never happy and can’t work out why.

  • For example a person may have been brought up in a family that argues all the time. To survive a masculine aggressive version of that person would be created. A person who lives in this version of themselves will have a very tough future because the outside world will be constantly rejecting that default behaviour.

They get sent to anger management when what they really need is to retire the wrong version of themselves and bring our other productive versions of themselves that will help them to support their future.

This of course is just one example.

  • If this has struck a chord with you Stephen Hedger runs a self-discovery session to help people understand the different version of them so they can create futures and relationship that are happier stronger and in control.
    If you want to know more about this click here
Filed Under: Relationship With Yourself, Self-Discovery Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

How Do I Save My Marriage

August 23, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Thousands of couples across the UK, full of fear for their future have one BIG question
“how do I save my marriage?”

No matter what’s happened in your relationship or your life your relationship can be saved if the right steps are taken.

Let me explain how this works.

Relationships do not just go wrong over night, it takes time and builds up in the minds of those who start to feel that something is wrong.

One of the problems people near break-up experience is that they have spent along time creating bad feelings and attaching those bad feelings to their partner and their relationship.

Many Couples Regret Their Divorce…

Whenever you focus on bad things or what’s wrong with your life consistently, what you end up with is a distorted view of what is really going on. This means your perception of reality in the context of your relationship is going to be very different from the actual reality.

This is why so many couples believe 100% that divorce is their only option and then end up regretting it.

Here is the good news

So when couples work with me to take a step back from their relationship what they discover is things are not as bad as they first thought.

They discover that they have both created feelings within themselves from a distorted perspective of their relationship. They have then judged their own thoughts and made their partner responsible for the thoughts they have created.

From this new perspective a couple can start to discover what was missing from their relationship. This new perception of their relationship changes their approach and puts them in a more resourceful state of self-discovery and openness rather than blame and resentment.

At this point where the foundations of their beliefs about their partner has been changed we can work to grow the knowledge within the couple to help them understand why they both felt so bad.

The reasons here could be infinite, it could be due to past experiences either from child hood or past relationships. There could be values set up to always equal failure for an individual and so depression is likely. It could be assumptions and misunderstandings have consistently caused conflict. It could be that one of you was just bored. This list is potentially endless, but in this list will be needs that one or both people in the relationship were missing that were critical to their happiness.

Missing needs

Once we have discovered the missing needs then growth starts to happen again as the couple gain a deeper understanding of how they got to where they are and why they behaved the way they did.

With a more sympathetic view of their relationship and the with their fears now on the back burner the couple are positioned to create a new commitment to each other from this new perspective of understanding.

  • This is the start of rebuilding the trust the couple needs to survive long-term.

The couple then receive help with the assumption that their will always be challenges in their relationship, but with the right understanding and a unified approach to their problems they have every chance of creating a passionate and lasting relationship.

Remember whatever you believe about your relationship today, it is only one perspective and if that comes from a state of fear or anger then it is guaranteed that any decision taken in this place will be a poor one that is likely to be regretted later.

Filed Under: Save A Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Coaching Couples

August 22, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Are you and your partner experiencing problems and you want to get to the bottom of why? Are you considering some kind of couples coaching?

Your key to success is to look beyond the problems you are having because your answers are not where you think they are, and this is why couples arguments go round and round in circles as they try to fix the wrong thing.

Many couples I see tell me that they have been to a counsellor with a specific problem and the counsellor has tried to help them fix that problem hoping that this will change how the couple feels about each other.

Many couples I see have been through that frustrating process and it gives them further proof that they have no hope even with a professional helping them. They feel that the only solution is to end the relationship.

Has this happened to you or are you in this process?

The problem that is being presented in the couples lives is always a symptom of their real problems and so fixing this never gets to the truth of what‘s causing their conflict or fears.

The place to look to for a solution to the couples problems is in the core needs and values of the individuals, and their map of what a relationship is, and how it should be in their mind.

If there is a mismatch in needs, values and their circumstances / behaviours then the couple will be unhappy and one or both people in the couple will start to search for more problems in the relationship as they become protective and fearful of their own future with their partner.

The problems the couples face or bring to sessions is the problems they have found after they feel fearful for their future together and so they test the relationship to make sure they have the right partner.

For Example

So for example a woman could be testing a man without him knowing.

If he does not pick up his clothes after he has been asked to, then this means he does not listen to her, and so she feels insignificant to him, therefore he cannot be trusted to give her what she needs and this rocks her security with him.

Their arguments in this case would be about her constant nagging him and his lack of respect or appreciation for her and what she does in the house.

The reality has nothing to do with the clothes, what she fears is a lack of security and so she feels unsafe with him and as he fights with her all she can see is a future full of fear that just maybe she is not enough for him.

We could train him to pick-up his clothes, but because that test was created from another fear within her “a lack of security” all she would do is create another test.

If in the example above we discovered what had made her feel insecure with him and what actions he could take to help her feel more secure then we are on the road to a happier future.

Once the coupe discover what’s missing, filling that gap become easy and so their fears for the future are removed and the couple are happy again.

So if you are having problems and seem to be going round in circles please get in touch today.

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,
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