Of all the relationship challenges I deal with, this one has to be the one that causes the most problems on so many levels.
In fact, if I ever discover one person in my session is still involved with a third party and hasn’t told me, I will stop the couple’s sessions and move them to individuals sessions immediately. The reason is the brain chemistry of two people in an affair is far too powerful and creates illusions of love which will cripple their chances of fixing their marriage.
Many people who have had affairs and are struggling to end them complain of being confused, their reality is they are totally unaware they are actually battling with these powerful brain chemicals.
I have seen people make life-changing decisions during affairs only to want their marriage back months later because the brain chemistry has settled down and the new lover has now lost their appeal. Some are very lucky and get their partners back and some lose their former lives forever.
It’s a very risky place to be because the confused person starts to ask themselves “what if…” questions. “If I leave my wife am I making a mistake?” “If I go back to my husband I will lose my new lover forever?” These people can become stuck, many suffer for years not knowing what to do, but doing nothing. This is like spinning a coin because time will eventually create a change, the question is will it be heads or tails?
Couples that have fallen victim to affairs can rebuild their relationships, but the starting point has to be the affair is over and all contact has stopped.
Unless this has happened everyone is wasting their time.
So if anyone reading this has considered an affair as a solution PLEASE DON’T as it never works out well for anyone especially the person having the affair, you see a person having an affair is not in control, they are actually out of control.
Important: If your relationship is not working, either find out why and take steps to see if it can be fixed, or leave the relationship and start again once you know why your relationship failed.
Why do affairs happen?
They happen mainly because there is a problem in their current relationship. It’s likely that the couple has tried to fix the problem(s), but without success. This focuses both people to protect themselves from each other and their problems.
This lockdown makes them vulnerable as they are both in a deficit of needs that are critical.
So I teach couples that they were both responsible for looking after their relationship and so if one or both people was unhappy they are both responsible for that challenge to fix it.
The moment a person decides an affair is a good solution, that person must own that action.
The problem for couples wanted to get over an affair is the affair becomes the focus. This is of course is natural, but the reality is the affair is not the real problem, the real problem is what they both did to make the relationship so unhappy.
The key is to get the couple to focus on how to protect their relationship both now and in the future and to unlearn what brought them to disaster and learn how to really meet each other’s critical needs.
The key is to put both people back in control of the relationship so getting to such a miserable please again is never a possibility.
Most affairs happen due to confusion, one man told me he just felt his wife didn’t love him and he suffered this for 4 years. In the end, someone showed him attention and he gave in to her.
The reality is his wife did love him, she was also protecting herself as she didn’t feel looked after by him.
You see the love was there for this couple they just didn’t know how to get to it. I have helped this couple and they are now back on track and are both seeing their mistakes, taking responsibility, and looking after each other.
If you are suffering from affair related issues it’s important to get the right help and tools.
Looking for help…
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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