When I look at all the couples that have successfully saved their marriage from the brink of divorce they all have the same thing in common.
At the start of the process:
- They were sceptical they could actually be helped.
- They have spent years going round in circles.
- The all have moved to protect themselves from each other on some level.
- They were exhausted.
I see this as a normal start.
- What they did all bring to the table was a curiosity to learn and grow.
What I see at the core of a couple’s success is the ability to learn that their thinking although totally logical did not bring them to the truth of their relationship.
One of the foundations of successful relationships is about two people getting on the same page.
To achieve this that couple cannot look at their situation only from their own perspectives. Their perspective needs to be expanded so they can see and experience a different world.
The world their partner lives in.
The inability to do this will be one of the root problems for every couple.
Only when you can see the world from their perspective can we ascertain if our own translation of their words and actions is actually correct.
One client was adamant that there was no good left in her marriage. I asked her if she had stopped looking for the good?
I knew she had translated her husbands’ behaviour from just her own perspective only and this perspective had created thoughts that had frightened her.
She was frightened to the point where she stopped seeing the good in him and was only search for the bad.
My point to her was she was in a bias. A bias created for her by natures desire to help her survive.
I shared a thought with her. If we were in a wood and we looked at the wonder nature has to offer. Trees, flowers, wildlife, the smell of fresh air and flowers and suddenly a bear appeared.
Where does our focus go to? To the bear of course.
Is the beauty no longer in the wood? No the beauty is still there we just don’t need that information at that moment, our search at that moment is about our own survival.
So what would our habitual focus be if we had to live in the wood with the bear? Would it be the beauty of the wood or would our focus be on where the bear is?
You see her husband loved her, but he didn’t understand her (men and women don’t naturally understand each other) so they naturally struggled to be on the same page. She had converted his behaviours into a fact that he didn’t love her.
In fact, for years she lived with this very thought “…her husband didn’t love her.”
This confusion in her leads her to protect herself from a danger that was simply not there. As she pulled away to protect herself from her husband he felt rejected so he ended up mirroring her.
This created a self-fulfilling cycle and resentments started to stack. When two people start protecting themselves from each other they are destroying their marriage and leading it to divorce.
My clients learn a new concept. Just because you think it, it’s doesn’t mean it’s true.
This lady learnt that her husband was not designed to naturally understand how to help her feel loved in the way she needed it.
He loved her but he was confused by her.
She also learnt that when I asked about what he could do to support her and love her she didn’t really know.
This is very common both men and women are fed up when their needs are not met but then struggle to communicate what they actually are.
How could her husband know and understand what she needed if she didn’t understand what she needed either.
As she started to learn how different her husbands world was to hers she started to let go of her past pain and suffering and started to turn her focus to more of what she didn’t know.
As her husband started to learn how to support her in a meaningful way she started to feel she did matter and he really did love her after all.
Their curiosity to learn created a gift of new knowledge, new meanings and a far safer way to live with each other.
Plus they were able to stop destructive family patterns being passed on to future generations by successful educating their children with this new knowledge.
All these couples discovered that it’s totally impossible to get to love and connection through self protection.
They learnt there was a different way…