Many people enter my sessions saying they saw red flags in their relationship, and they ignored them.
These red flags exist because people must find different ways to navigate life and feel safe in their relationships.
Some ways are not so good, and some are devastatingly destructive
Most of us have some distortion in our families, no matter what background we come from.
Typical red flags are trust issues, controlling behaviours, addictions, anger, codependency, and bickering, to name a few of many.
Each one of these has its own challenges, and as you can imagine, that list could have been very long.
As someone who has worked with and seen most red-flag traits over the past two decades.
In my mind, there is one stand-out red flag.
The biggest RED FLAG is this: It’s the person who clearly has a challenge but has no interest in learning how to be better; they will want others to change around them.
In fact, people will fight for the need to keep their specific red flag behaviour.
You see, some people need to keep their red flag behaviour to feel safe, totally blind to the fact it is killing their life and those they love.
You see, once the person has a desire to learn, then in many cases, that person can be helped to engage in a healthy connection with others.
The person who has no desire to learn and thinks they are right will always be a part of the problem.
This means there is simply no growth potential, and where they are is as far as they will go.
Relationships are highly complex, and no one is born knowing how they work or what to do to make them work for life.
The person who is convinced their view of the world is right is highly ineffective and inefficient because they will never take the steps to learn how to get the best out of their partner.
In their view, their partner will have to do things their way – it’s an I’m right, you are wrong mentality.
When a person chooses not to learn how their partner is different, they limit the growth potential of the person and the relationship.
This is because being unable to be ourselves with a person with a “limited perspective” means self-protection and trust issues will naturally form.
This creates a compound of problems: naturally, feminine women will have to become more masculine, and men will either become more feminine to comply or secretive to cope.
Again, this list could go on; my point is a person who has no desire to learn whilst relationship distortions prevail will create a compound of further problems.
This means the root problem is more challenging to uncover in a sea of resulting distortions.
You see, the skill in lasting successful relationships is in the ability to learn how their partner is different so they can become of value.
The people who want to learn and want to grow healthy versions of themselves always stand a good chance of success, no matter what their challenge or red flag pattern.
The people who feel they don’t feel the need to learn are limited by what they know.
The people who need to be right are not asking this critical question.
Who do I have to become to be worthy of this relationship?
People who have no wish to learn and yet want everyone to change around them, in many cases, end up being right, but sadly for them, they also end up alone.
I have seen people with red flag patterns overcome these challenges together.
I have also helped people living with red flag partners who won’t budge come out of their emotionally destructive relationships and into loving, healthy relationships with more appropriate partners.