I’m sure it comes as no surprise that dealing with Infidelity makes up a significant percentage of my work with couples. In these situations my job isn’t just to save their marriage, it’s to learn how they got into this position and to help the couple discover if it’s possible to rebuild a dynamic that works for them both.
Sadly many people who embark on affairs are not understanding what’s happening within them. For some, they are putting a relationship they want to keep on the line.
For others they could be keeping a relationship artificially alive that is actually dead whilst their needs are met through the new secret relationship.
Dealing with affairs takes specialist handling as the complexities are potentially huge and getting to that couple’s truth is really important. The big challenge an affair creates is it becomes the couple’s problem when in reality it was always a symptom of deeper challenges in the relationship.
A couple can spend a significant amount of time overcoming “the affair” totally missing what actually caused it and this can leave the relationship vulnerable in the future.
Other people can find themselves stuck feeling they are in love with two people and end up traumatised as they struggle to choose the right person.
Typical scenarios I’m asked to work on:
- A person has an affair and feels they don’t want the relationship, their partner wants me to help them win their partner back.
- One person has an affair and yet doesn’t want to lose their marriage, their partner doesn’t feel they want them back because despite still loving them, they can’t see how they can trust their partner ever again.
- One person had an affair so they split up, months have passed and despite separating they discover they still love each other but are fearful of their future together.
- Some couples experience an affair they decide to stay together. The relationship is never really free as one person lives on red alert for the next time. In fear, they hold back in the relationship.
These are typical however there are more complex scenarios.
It’s very rare for affairs to start just because the opportunity presented itself. Affairs are much more likely if the relationship has a challenge the couple is not seeing.
The person who is open to an affair is going to be searching for a feeling within themselves that they lost, or feel they never had in their marriage. It could be that person would never feel what they need to experience with their partner because they are in the wrong relationship.
Some individuals leave their husband or wife for the affair partner, don’t end up with that person. This is because the affair was never about this new person it was about the person having the affair and what they were trying to connect with within themselves.
This is so important to understand before any big decisions are made. An affair can simply become a vehicle to connect with the feelings they wanted.
When an affair is discovered the injured party can really suffer, some for years if they decide to stay in the relationship as they fight with two powerful energies. The power of love that now has nowhere to go and the power of fears creating a collection of uncertainties.
These energies will create an internal battle that can remain never-ending if not resolved correctly.
If the couple wants to save the marriage and overcome the affair the couple will require a strategy that will help them both to breakthrough not just with each other, but more importantly with themselves.
Understanding why the affair happened is really important so both people can understand how their relationship became so vulnerable. This could become a platform to rebuild their relationship.
For some couples it is right they part and I do make that recommendation especially if I feel that the pain and suffering will continue and spread to their children.
For the many couples when the essence of why they fell in love can be rediscovered, they are then more likely to be open to learning with me how to protect their relationship in the future.
Discovering the truth has to be the goal for any couple in this situation. The truth is what will really set the individual/couple free.
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