One of the most important skills couples must master is the ability to manage their own emotions so they can get the most out of their partner, especially during times of stress.
Every couple should seek a win-win outcome; however, the challenge for so many people is that they create a me-focused dynamic when pressure is on.
What most couples do is try to win their arguments.
This creates a disconnect problem because if there is a winner, there will naturally be a loser.
And when a team member loses, the team (both people) loses.
So, in the quest to WIN the argument, which is a WIN-LOSE model, this naturally creates a LOSE-LOSE model.
This ongoing pattern will be corrosive to their connection, compounding over the years and leading to stacking resentments.
Let’s look at this in action with this couple so you can see the problem.
This lady had a well-defined emotional pattern of becoming a worse version of herself when she perceived her husband had done or said something to upset her.
On this one occasion, her husband was having a bad morning and was being grumpy.
Her reaction to his emotional state was to berate him for being so miserable.
This ignited an argument, and both ended up walking away from each other upset.
They practised the upset pattern a lot, which usually resulted in a disconnect for a few days until they got bored of the argument or forgot why they weren’t talking.
In her session with me, I asked her about how he must be feeling at the point of her being upset with him.
I noticed she was disconnected from a few important factors.
Firstly I pointed out she was also grumpy in the way she approached him something she hadn’t considered.
She agreed being happy or positive was something she struggled to commit to in that moment.
I reminded her that if she cannot commit to herself, she should not expect others to commit to her.
The second problem was she didn’t think about his feelings. She only focused on her own feelings.
The success model for lasting relationships explains that a “ME” focused relationship always dies.
I asked her how she thought being grumpy at him would positively change his emotional state.
She admitted that in the moment she never considered how he was feeling and was solely focused on herself and what she wanted.
She didn’t bring her love, care and support. She brought the worst version of herself to the problem.
Most people are unaware that if you want to change a partner’s emotional response, you must change yourself first.
Thirdly, she never designed the emotional state she knew would help him.
If she had focused on the emotional state he would have liked for himself, she would have seen her grumpy response to him was never going to help him it was going to make matters worse.
Because she was so focused on herself and what she wanted she forgot to care about the person she said she loved.
So at a time that he was struggling she not only neglected to support him, she failed to support herself by being herself and what was important to her.
She made the situation worse and then decided to blame him for days.
She may argue that he had a responsibility too.
Both people have 100% responsibility for the state of the relationship, and the person who should step up first is the person who wakes up first.
The skill of creating a WIN-WIN outcome allows couples to create a significantly safer connection.
It allows a couple to be free to be themselves and an effective team.
Getting this wrong disables a person from being able to be themselves in their marriage.
This is the biggest problem, and guarantees disconnect on both sides.
If you wish to explore this topic further in your marriage and become a more effective partner, then training could be available for you if you click here.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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