In today’s post, you’ll see why it’s a mistake to think that for a marriage to be saved it needs both people in the process, too many think this and then suffer.
I’ve seen many people have lost their marriages due to this way of thinking so it may need some explaining as there is a trend of people with the same belief system.
You’ll learn today why it’s important to step up and take charge even if your partner is not ready.
You learn why waiting can have a negative impact on them and even accelerate them towards leaving.
What they really need is your help and quickly.
Relationships that are suffering are like burning buildings you can wait for the fire to go out, but all you are left with is rubble and that’s the problem people don’t see.
No one ever waits to put out a fire for a good reason, because they want to save what they can so there is less to rebuild.
Relationships are burning down all over the world right now because of a loss of love, loss of connection and loss of passion and people are watching this happen and are doing nothing except watching and waiting.
So if you want to save your marriage you simply don’t have time to wait.
All these problems have the same foundational problem and that’s the person’s attachment model has changed.
So everyone’s mission must be to help their partner reattach and the sooner the better.
If you wait for your partner to be ready, you are simply waiting for them to become detached enough so they feel so little that leaving the relationship is now easy for them.
One gentleman’s relationship was on fire yet he refused my help because he wanted his partner to take part and she wasn’t ready.
I could hear she was never going to be ready.
He couldn’t see how else it could work unless she took part.
This was a terrible mistake and I told him he would regret it, so he came for advice and then ignored it.
In fact, he waited a whole year and this gave her ample time to fully detach, exactly what I said she would do, she then served him divorce papers and he lost his chance.
He called my office in a panic, but he missed his chance. I do wonder why people who get into such a mess still trust that their thinking is the right one to listen to.
Let’s look at what she did to herself whilst he was waiting for an opportunity to do couples work.
Her process of detachment
You see when the attachment dynamic changes so do their feelings and this can help that person become disillusioned by the relationship.
IMPORTANT: This changes their thinking and that in turn changes their feelings.
Many will conclude they are incompatible or any changes are impossible, they can have tried for years with little to no results concluding it’s hopeless so they give up looking for a solution.
Them giving up is a dangerous tipping point as they become emotionally out so what happens now is critical for the couple’s future.
You can tell this is happening as they stop connecting on many levels of intimacy. They may still function as a team member, but only on a transactional level.
This thought process can cause havoc for that person and for the relationship as each person is likely to trigger the other into a negative space further confirming that person’s negative thinking.
The longer the person feels hopeless and stops contributing, the bigger the problem they have to fix.
You see time is not a healer for relationships in fact what time does with relationship problems is it grows them as you’ll see below.
They look for proof
The reason this problem gets bigger is a person who feels emotionally wrong in their marriage will naturally look for proof of what they feel.
“Why don’t I feel love for my partner?” They will find and stack the reasons.
“Why don’t I find my partner attractive?” They will find more and stack the reasons.
“Why don’t I want sex with them?” They will stack all the reasons.
As they search they will find proof plenty of proof to back up their feelings, they may even social proof their thinking with friends who will help them confirm their thinking is sound.
After all the lost people always say “you can’t help how you feel can you!?”
As they find more and more proof they will start to live in the story they created from that proof.
It’s like they rewrote history.
Now the problem is getting even bigger as it creates a self-limiting bias, to them, this is now their truth.
The hopeless thinking model
No matter how big the real opportunity or the possibility for the relationship, living the story based on the negative bias belief system will help them conclude what they know is all there is to know.
This means they will take little to no positive action, and that will create little to no positive results. No results will help them confirm the relationship is hopeless and that their initial beliefs are true.
The more their beliefs are solidified the more detached they become until they feel totally numb.
Now leaving is not painful at all for them, in fact leaving for them will equal pleasure with a foundation of freedom and new hope.
Many have been planning their new life if given enough time to do so.
This is why I ask people to act fast, when people detach they can be ruthless.
One lady begged her husband to organise professional help for their marriage, but he ignored her for a whole year and she detached exactly as I described above, she then felt nothing and then left him.
He came to me wanting to win her back on his own, which we did, but he was very lucky.
This is what happens when you do nothing or wait for them to be ready.
The other problem with insisting your partner attends sessions is you are giving them a clear message that really doesn’t help your cause.
“You need to attend sessions with me because you are the real problem and you need fixing, so you can love me again.
This is how many partners hear the “let’s go for counselling” message.
I promise this is not the message that will help them back in, in fact, the pressure of going to counselling can accelerate their exit.
Taking responsibility is where the real power sits.
Once you have taken responsibility to protect your marriage then you can learn how they have detached and what you can do to help them reattach.
Their reattachment at this point is your responsibility because they are simply not motivated enough to bother.
You have to help them understand by understanding the reattachment process yourself and learning how to help them back in.
Most of what people do through worry actually makes the situation far worse.
So my question to you is this.
Is your relationship on fire?
If you are reading this it’s likely your relationship is on fire and needs you to step up to help it.
This is a process anyone can do on their own and it’s designed to naturally help your partner generate the feelings they would like and attach those feeling to you.
So do you wait and see what’s left when the fire has finished doing its worst or do you step up and learn the steps to protect and help it?
I’ll leave you with this, I know many will say “I’ve tried everything” or “You don’t know my partner…” what those people have tried is based on what they know and in nearly twenty years of doing this I’ve never met anyone that knows enough to know what to do.