Many people are trying to save their marriages on their own, but in far too many cases they are making the situation worse without realising or meaning to.
There are many reasons why a spouse won’t join in the search for help, but it’s frustrating when doing nothing isn’t the solution either and in many cases, you know a lack of action is actually making the situation worse.
So what do you do?
I speak to so many people who initially ask me to help them, but they have a fixed view that there is no point having sessions until their partner attends as well.
This is a significant mistake and I’ll explain why
Below are two clients that if they had waited for their partner to be ready they would have lost them forever, read their stories and then I’ll explain what’s going on.
One of my clients famous in the music industry came for help to win his long-term girlfriend and mother to his children back.
He started the process on his own, he went through the pain of her leaving the family home, discovering she had met someone new. He stuck in there learning all he could about what it took to become a valuable partner and how to support her so she could find a safe way back to him.
Bit-by-bit he regained her trust through connecting to the self within him she originally fell in love with. He learned how to be of value to her, how to rebuild their connection and her trust in him that he would be there for her no matter what.
He used that certainty as a foundation to consciously learn and apply new behaviours that would help them keep their passion and love alive.
He made it his mission to consciously practise all he had learnt.
One year later they got married!
He shifted 3 things – his mindset, his relationship with himself and his knowledge of how to regain her trust and build a successful relationship.
Now imagine! His life today would be totally different if he had made a different decision based on the limiting belief that she needed to attend the sessions for this process to work.
Another client was kicking himself, his wife wanted to seek help and for a year he ignored her cry for help. She stopped asking and 6 months later she moved out.
Distraught he came to me, he wanted them both to attend and couldn’t see how it could work if she didn’t take part.
Upon hearing his story I knew she was unlikely to attend and he would lose his chance if he didn’t start now.
He was unsure, but he knew what he was doing was pushing her further away.
So he had a life-changing decision to make. Take his chances with what he knew wasn’t working or put his resources into doing all he could.
He said I don’t know if this will work, but I need to know I did all I could.
He had limited time to connect with her as he only saw her when he picked up the kids.
He spent the first 4 weeks resetting his connection with himself. He also spent time learning about her thinking and her needs which then helped him understand the steps he needed to take to rebuild her trust in him to be able to support her.
It took a few weeks, but he said he could see his changes were having an impact on her.
Eventually, she became curious about these changes in him and he told her he was seeing me and I would like to speak with her.
She turned up to a session, her energy was very guarded as I expected.
She learned about the changes I was helping him with why he had struggled historically. I helped her become curious about the hidden complexities in intimate relationships and offered to help her.
She agreed to spend 4 weeks with me to learn more.
This lead her to want to test their relationship to see what they were capable of.
Six months later she moved back in.
Why do so many lose their one chance of saving their marriage through thinking they both need to attend sessions?
People who are trying to save their marriage on their own are unaware it’s the changes I help the individuals to make is at the root of what will help their partner make changes within them or energise them to seek help.
The old cliche is we’ll have a better relationship if my partner changed. In reality, both people needed to change and if you’re doing this alone then you must go first.
Essentially if you want to change your marriage then you must start with changing yourself first.
The problem people have is they don’t know what to do and if they do find the right behaviour they are not consistent with it because it doesn’t instantly work.
Remember, becoming disconnected didn’t happen overnight and so looking for an instant to fix to something that took years to break isn’t reasonable.
Now I know that change is instant if a person will allow that change in, but what takes the time is a person is waiting to feel safe to make a change as they battle with their minds internal conflict.
The mission is to help the person speed up the time it takes to feel safe to make the change, that will then help them to breakthrough and reconnect to their true self and their relationship.
Some people do this whole process with me on their own and some partners start to attend partway through the process.
It’s so important that one person takes responsibility for the relationship because the moment both people give up it really is all over.