What is it that makes so many marriages fail? Many couples fall into the trap of these common problems.
Below are 6 significant reasons couples are failing that I keep seeing in my sessions that might be useful for you to be aware of.
1. I don’t feel important to you
When one person feels unimportant to their partner there will be problems.
These problem will escalate because other things feel more important than them and this will create natural fears.
This can be work, friends, family, the special friend you confide in etc.
Insignificance in a relationship is damaging as it puts the person into self-protection and that process kills their connection and eventually their love.
When someone gives their life to another they must feel that they matter or problems will be just around the corner.
To be clear some people do feel their partner is most important to them, but their partner doesn’t feel it and so that gap has to close.
2. Not letting go of the past
Relationships that suffer most are the ones that are living in the past, they don’t live in the truth or possibility of today and the joint aspirations of the future.
The main reason someone will keep hold of the past is for self-protection due to past problems.
You have just learnt what a destructive force self-protection is for couples, so it isn’t the security people think it is.
As the past no longer exists, it can only exist as a memory that needs to be understood and cared about so the person can let the past go safely.
This is a process for that person, but it’s critical that person wants to shift their thinking to desiring a better now and a brighter future.
When wrongs happen in a marriage a person has a choice to go or stay.
If they stay and then they bring the pain of the past into today and the future it means neither person can connect or grow.
So if this is a problem then it must be addressed quickly so you can grow together and use the past as something to learn from rather than a weapon or a defence.
3. My needs are not being met
Problems happen when, how life should be, doesn’t match how it is, there is always discomfort followed by resentment stacking if the problem isn’t addressed.
When you know you have to go outside of your relationship to feel alive and connected to yourself there is a problem that needs addressing.
This is a problem that will not go away in fact it can escalate into resentments that can catastrophically cripple a couples connection.
So where are you meeting your needs? If it is not in the marriage and you want the marriage to work how will you redirect them?
The moment all critical needs are met outside the marriage the relationship will lose importance and so will eventually suffer and die.
4. Not being on the same page
When couples are not on the same page with what’s important to each person this can cause a profound disconnect.
What might be a priority for one person may not be a priority for another, both perspectives must matter.
Kids, careers, finances, life plan, are you on the same page heading in the same direction as a team?
- Do you agree on how conflicts are dealt with?
- Do you agree on how the kids are educated and disciplined?
- Do you agree on how to explore your sexual connection so it doesn’t die?
- Are you on the same page with communication?
- Are you one the same page with with what equals truth, trust and respect?
Alignment is critical without it each person can feel lonely and look outside the marriage to feel connected and safe again, kids, work, friends and many do chose affairs.
5. Relationship worries
If a person is fuelled by a fear they are not enough for their partner or they worry they are won’t be loved by their partner that person will move to focus on self-protection energies.
If a person is waiting for an axe to fall, then they will lose connection to themselves and their fears will take over.
Some become hostile and some withdraw detach or self numb.
This must be addressed as depression, anxiety and stress can be the result.
Another challenge is a person can become a problem to divert intention away from the real problem such as becoming a victim, overly controlling or controlling passively as a few examples.
Essentially the pattern they chose to protect themselves will not make them happy and will compound their negative feelings and the desire to protect will escalate with it.
Some people can become paralysed and will not take action in any direction as nothing feels safe.
6. Vibrancy and aliveness is replaced with apathy and boredom
I meet so many couples that have essentially died with each other.
They have no energy for each other. They sit in their homes looking after their children going to work, watching TV, bored with their life.
Many are living separate lives just to cope.
Groundhog Day!
Many couples think their aliveness and passion has gone, it hasn’t.
In truth, they have lost or forgotten how to bring an attractive energy to each other and so everything is an effort.
Couples have lost their spark because they are waiting for feelings instead of creating them.
The key is understanding how to choose the feelings you want and become those feelings.
It’s also important to create projected excitement as future dread based on past problems is going to hamper a persons desire to step into that less than pleasurable future.
This is why bringing pleasure to your connection today builds the memories which are the foundation for what the future could hold.
Each day is a gift so make it count.
