I’m going to share why trying to change your partner is likely to kill your connection, your attraction for each other and negatively affect your sex life.
A critical skill for people in marriages is to be able to predict the impact of each person’s behaviours in their marriage.
Where will we be in five years’ time if these behaviours persist? People are not seeing what they are doing before it’s too late.
Sadly most are blind to the chaos they are heading for so I’m hoping this might help.
It is critically important to understand why you must free your partner to be who they really are because that’s who they liked being when you first met, and it’s who you fell in love with.
I’ll explain, please read this a few times so it sinks in.
When couples first meet what attracts them is their differences. Couples that first meet will have chemistry and will feel a natural attraction energy that’s addictive.
This energy is designed to create sexual attraction in each person.
I spent a significant amount of time studying couples’ initial attraction and what creates this amazing energy.
What I discovered is the driving force for attraction in each person is their differences.
I watched couples meet for the first time and when attraction was a clear energy the couple generated more unique differences in reaction to each other.
Some men’s voices became deeper, some women’s voices became higher, some women tried to make herself smaller and some men puffed himself up to make himself bigger. Please note these are observations of two of the many differences, they are not instructions of what to change in your marriage”
These and many more differences were natural in each person and none of their behaviours were conscious decisions, it was like a dance of energies, both people excited and loving how they felt.
I remember one normally very masculine lady telling me how girly/feminine she felt on a date with this powerfully masculine guy and how excited she felt as he bought out her feminine side.
She loved how she felt and she attached that feeling to him.
Now let’s look at long-term relationships and see what’s happened for so many.
Here is the problem for couples in longer-term relationships.
When couples get into married life what they naturally do is create a need for connection so they can build trust, the driver is to feel emotionally safe together.
Nothing wrong with this, but far too many are building an energy to be similar as a means to keep their connection alive.
They have this quest because when they feel they are on the same page, they are agreeing and therefore connected so happier.
So sameness for these couples equals connection, trust and security.
Here is the problem couples don’t see until it’s too late
But too much sameness also kills the differences that create attraction and this is where the real problems start.
So in their quest to feel connected and safe couples are totally unaware they are killing the very energy that brought them together so the passion dies.
As the passion dies, stress will appear in the relationship as something feels wrong.
Loss of passion creates a disconnect and resentment can build.
Resentment and disconnection helps them to feel a greater need for security, and this leads them to need even more connection/sameness.
It’s like a death-spiral.
You see you must not change, control or kill someone’s natural energy so you feel safe.
Self-protection is not the way forward, but it’s what everyone does.
Many people in fear experiencing this loss of security will try to change their partner to be more like them.
Many feel that if their partner was more like them they would have less conflict, but they are not seeing that conflict is merely passion misdirected.
Side note: Couples that don’t argue usually have dead sex lives.
Many people who love their partners can change who they are to please them, but this shift could turn couples into friends or sibling-like energy thus killing the possibility of being lifelong lovers.
People don’t like to be changed, but so many people lose who they are in a quest to please, protect or feel safe.
Feminine women are becoming too masculine, masculine men are giving up their masculinity, this creates chaos as any sexual connection would then feel odd or impossible for those couples.
To be clear an escalating need to focus on feeling safe in a relationship does not EVER make a couple feel safe, because all it creates is a need to control in at least one person.
If a person feels a need to control their partner because they don’t feel safe, it’s highly likely this will kill not just the sexual connection but potentially the relationship too in the end.
People don’t like being changed or manipulated.
True security in relationships only comes from adding massive value and making the relationship amazing.
Firstly who would want to leave an amazing relationship?
Secondly, I have never met a couple whose critical needs are being met and they want to leave each other.
Amazing relationships create security as a result, not as a primary focus.
That distinction surrounding the shift of focus from needing security to adding value to create security, as a result, is a subtle but extremely powerful shift.
There is world of difference between couples who get it wrong and crave security, and those that build connections through adding value, embracing their differences and setting each other free.
This model is scary for many people, so the question is how do I build a model that creates vulnerability in a way that makes me and us safe?
That’s the conundrum to solve.