We can lose trust in our partners in many different ways. You can lose your trust in someone or they can lose their trust in you. Trust can be lost through obvious routes such as affairs and circular conflict, or through lack of understanding, loss of respect and lack of care to name a few.
Losing trust can be devastating for any couple as TRUST is one of the core foundations needed to keep the couple’s connection alive.
So what’s the cost of not rebuilding the trust?
So many people end up naturally protecting themselves from their partner because they lose trust without really understanding the hidden dangers of this practice.
My clients have learnt that protecting themselves through stacking resentments will be leading the marriage to a dangerous position where feelings that keep the relationship alive can start to die.
So if there is resistance or resentment in a relationship then they must be dealt with quickly before those resentments start to automatically start switching off a person’s feelings towards their partner.
If someone experiences enough pain in their relationship they are likely to reach a tipping point where they will make a new decision to fully detach from their partner and this can turn them into what would feel like a totally different person.
I’ve had people come to me saying their partner simply just switched into someone they didn’t recognise almost overnight.
I’ve had individuals communicating to me that 6 months before they met me they wanted professional marriage help but now it was too late they no longer want the marriage.
These couples were not aware this dramatic change can happen and when it does is very difficult but not impossible to turn the person around.
You see when a person makes the decision to end the marriage that is a place of relief for them. They have taken back control of their life.
The problem with this position for the partner who wants to save the marriage is they are asking their spouse to now go back to a place of significant pain and suffering where they were once out of control.
People that want out are usually in a position where they cannot believe the relationship can change and the thought of trying is far too painful to contemplate.
So it’s critical to rebuild the relationship and the trust in it before they get to point of no-return. As I said in some cases it is possible to bring couples back, but why put yourself through that why not take action before you hit a crisis.
My message is to take action early before the job and the pain and suffering become too big.
Once a couple understands the importance of taking action then they will become curious to learn that the route to rebuilding the trust is in the understanding of their partners’ world.
Many problems come from two people being on a totally different page.
They don’t understand each other so they have problems with:
- Time management
- Lack of planning
- Lack of support
- No respect or appreciation
All of these problems are as a result of the couple not understanding how to understand each other’s worlds.
Rebuilding the trust in a relationship is a well-defined process I take couples through. Part of the process can only start to happen once the couple’s thinking has changed to see the world from their partners perspective.
I remember one gentleman who couldn’t trust his wife to meet his needs so he was totally convinced his marriage was over so he asked her for a divorce.
He was totally unaware his wife had become emotionally stuck in a pattern of self-protection from him without knowing – this means she would not feel safe enough to contribute to him.
For her, this was due to some historic patterns from a troubled childhood and a number of events that had worried her in the marriage combined with a husband that ironically didn’t know how to meet her needs either.
To him she was controlling and uncaring, to her she felt lost, alone, out of control and exhausted.
This man felt he had done all he could and the situation was impossible to solve.
Once he could understand his feeling of pain through not having his needs met were very real BUT his translation of his wife and her behaviours was totally incorrect.
This was a key moment for him as he realised it was his translation of her and the situation that caused his own pain.
This shift enabled him to start to learn how he could be an effective husband for her so he could help her out of this stuck position. His care and understanding then freed her to connect to her true self which was one of naturally loving him and wanting to meet his needs.
Understanding each other is complex and to compound the issue everyone is different which is why my programs are all tailor made.
Once you become an effective translator of your partners world and behaviours and you know how to positively impact and get the best from yourself and your partner then trust stops becoming an issue.