If you are in a marriage where the love has died and living together is now transactional or being together is a struggle due to constant conflict this post is for you.
In yesterday’s post, I highlighted a problem that most are unaware of.
There are many people who are living in the wrong identity in their marriage and for these people giving and receiving love is a significant challenge not just for them, but for those that love them.
It’s critical they are helped either back to who they are or for some it’s critical they are introduced to themselves for the first time.
Without a healthy connection to myself, how will I ever be “Marriage FIT?”
So a question I may ask you is “when was the last time you felt like you?”
Some find this question profoundly emotional as they realise their truth, some can’t remember and some can take themselves back to a time when they felt free.
“How on earth did I get here?”
This shift in identity has a sliding scale.
Some have a profound total shift where they struggle to connect and trust everyone including their own children, in some, this is an active choice due to resentments in others they just feel numb.
Others shift to where they do feel a connection to themselves, but only when they are away from the marriage.
Others will shift in and out in reaction to situations or problems that don’t feel fair or just.
To be honest all this is exhausting for them and their partners and it’s not uncommon for me to meet two people who are doing this.
Any emotional disconnect from being yourself is always going to be painful.
Which identity a person is living in means at times or all the time they have the ability to become an identity that doesn’t reflect who they are.
In this place, they will suffer and many attach that suffering to their partner.
They have no idea they are doing this, it’s all happening without thought.
The more they practice it the greater the chance of a permanent marital disconnect so it’s critical one person at least takes action.
One of the first steps in the Marriage Breakthrough Program is helping those I’m coaching to understand who they are so they can reconnect to themselves again.
Our relationship with ourselves is a critical part of any couple’s process.
Relationships do have a tendency to help someone disconnect from themselves.
They may become disconnected and feel constant frustration or anger, they may suffer from feeling sadness or self-pity.
This is the persons emotional system trying to meet their needs but in a way that never feels good.
At this point, they are vulnerable to alcohol, drugs or other addictions or addictive behaviours simply to stop and get off their cycle of emotional pain.
As this is a never-ending cycle of suffering the person may feel depressed as their situation grows into feeling hopeless.
In the extreme, a person can feel their life is unwinnable and this can lead to thoughts of suicide.
The mission is to pull the person out of those unhelpful emotional states and give them the tools to reconnect to themselves so they can make safer decisions.
In these states people can struggle to see how anyone can help them.
I remember a lady child psychologist, who was suffering from depression due to an ongoing disconnect between herself and her husband.
In one of her sessions, I showed her how fast she could shift her emotions by choice by understanding how they worked.
She experience a full range of different emotional states within twenty minutes and this showed her how she could take back control.
It’s critical a person is helped out of their unhelpful emotional states because they need a different level of thinking to deal with their marital problems.
Some people come to me because they are fed up with feeling this way and want to make a change.
Others are fed up with living with a partner who is this way so I have to coach them to help their partner out of this state.
People who have lost connection with themselves won’t make good partners because their emotional state is designed for self-protection.
Self-protection in a marriage is a foundational energy that people need to help them emotional exit any situation.
So as I explained to all my clients a relationship with another person always has three parts.
Your relationship with yourself, your partner’s relationship with themselves and the dynamic this creates.
This is why the start of any process starts with the individuals first they have to be “Marriage Fit!”
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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