So many men come to me totally confused. His wife has communicated that she doesn’t love him and wants out of the marriage, and this time, she means it.
So when I hear this message, I have four questions.
- Is she worth fighting for?
- Are you willing to do what it takes?
- Do you want to be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing you did everything you could?
- Will you follow what I ask you to do even if it feels counterintuitive?
What you are about to read is a trend that keeps popping up in my sessions. When trends hit, I like to share them through this blog to help you avoid falling into the same trap.
He tells me this
So she’s fallen out of love, she’s not been sexually interested in a while, and although he knew things were not quite right, he felt things would get better – that’s been the pattern.
IMPORTANT: Thinking things will get better never happens on its own. I know historically, after an upset, she is usually okay in the end, but that’s the thing. As you can see, she wasn’t okay at all, was she?
She was never okay with the outcomes her suffering had been building to give him that shocking message.
You see from a man’s perspective things getting better means she is quiet and not complaining, so they experience a false sense of security unaware of the storm that’s building within her.
So if she is quiet and not complaining, just getting on with things, it doesn’t necessarily mean she is happy.
As many men tell me their wives are far from quiet and he’s all too aware of his daily failures, it’s why he thinks it’s safer to work longer hours or just avoid her this also makes her worse.
She’s not happy
So the trend I see is many women feel they don’t have a connection with their partners that makes sense to them it’s why many give up bothering to try.
Over time, a lack of connection can turn into a lack of “emotional security” and a lack of “emotional connection”, which is a hundred times worse for her.
This is double trouble for her and will leave him perplexed as he didn’t think it was that bad.
He’s judging how he feels in the relationship and making that the truth she should feel.
Many men are horrified that she tells him she doesn’t feel safe with him. To him, it’s an insult, but to her, it’s just how she feels.
She constantly told him things are bad historically, but in response, he thinks she’s just overreacting so he is likely to tell his wife things will be okay, “You know you love me, don’t you!”
From her perspective, his lack of empathy for her feelings only solidifies her negative feelings for him and compounds her loss of connection.
Her thinking will say to her, if he thinks where they are is working, then he really has no idea what she needs and has been going through, so what’s the point?
Him not understanding her is just another way she feels disconnected and misunderstood.
Many women tell me they feel alone and their husband lacks empathy, so what is the point?
Now she sees him as weak
So in this place of disconnection.
She will start to see him as emotionally weak, and this feeling kills her attraction to him.
Over time, this has meant she will start to STEP UP and become more MASCULINE, especially when she’s around him.
This for her is not how it should be, but she has no choice so she resents him for having to be the man in the relationship.
In fact, in her world, she will become a doer, fixing one task after another whilst their relationship becomes transactional.
When she steps up (masculine), he either steps down or becomes a bully (in her eyes) both to her equals weakness.
In this place, she can try to take control of everything, including him – BTW, women have mixed results with this, as compliant husbands can also become secretive.
He might feel emasculated, overly criticised, or picked upon.
In the many cases I see, he can feel nothing he does works, and he can start to play up as he feels there is an injustice here.
Others just give up and comply.
So, she likes to be in control – or does she?
When practised for a while, many women can, on one hand, like the fact she is in control whilst at the same time resenting the fact she has to be the one in control – all the time!
Many men are lost and confused at this point – so which does she want?
Men can try to take charge, only to discover she’s not happy when he does, even though it’s what she has asked for – more confusion!
If he tries to take control back now, he is controlling and a bully, and if he lets her do it her way now, he is weak, pathetic, just like another child.
But if he tries to give her what he thinks she needs, he’s likely to get it wrong, and so she blames him for not knowing or seeing her.
Men become lost, and many women are now exasperated.
This is why someone eventually gives up; sometimes it’s her, and sometimes it’s him.
This post is about her giving up – I’ll write the reverse of this post in the coming weeks.
So now he gets the shocking news she wants out.
So men are contacting me on their own, and I’m listening to stories I have heard a thousand times.
Their dynamic has shifted them into what feels like an impossible position of incompatibility. He wants the relationship to work, but he’s lost.
I speak to these men and encourage them to work with me on their own – I advise this for a reason.
I need to help them STEP-UP in a way she will understand and potentially appreciate.
I ask them to work with me on their own because I know their wives will not be as motivated to get help, especially given this type of story.
The problem is he thinks she’s the one that needs fixing!
If he thinks she’s the one that needs fixing, he is only going to prove how much he doesn’t understand about her.
If you look at it from her perspective only for a moment.
She is going to have spent at least two years feeling emotionally disconnected.
She is currently either detached or emotionally numb.
Now her husband has woken up to what she has been going through for years – “Now he takes me seriously – I can’t do it anymore!?!” She says.
At this point, asking her to seek help after she has made her decision is like asking her to step back into a world of pain and suffering with no proof that any change is even possible.
The only proof she has is the years of disconnect.
It took her years to get to that important and painful conclusion, and now, because he has just woken up, he wants her to step back into all that pain for him!?!
Many men do make changes when the gravity of the situation eventually hits home, but she will only see his changes are for him to manipulate her back.
If she is foolish enough to go back, she knows he will change back, and there’s no way that’s going to happen.
Plus, the changes many men make only end up proving she needs to leave; you see, men can have the oddest ideas about what she wants.
He thinks we need to change her mind, and he couldn’t be more wrong
Changing her mind is not the answer to rebuilding their connection.
What she needs is a new emotional experience, and for that to happen, it’s him that has to change at this point.
In his mind, she’s the upset one, she’s not happy so Stephen Hedger has to make her happy again.
It’s a bit like, “…have her fixed and bring her back to me when you are done!”
He’s not seeing the way she is today has been in reaction to him. So if he changes, then her reaction to him can change.
So when speaking to men, he can insist she needs her to do this relationship work with him.
This is the wrong strategy. In most cases, I know she won’t be invested enough to be motivated to take action.
In fact, all she probably wants is freedom from this hell – but all he can see is what he wants.
So I have a mixture of men at this point.
Some men bite my arm off, hungry to learn what they need to do to get their wife back – these men learn how to Man-up and Step-up!
Other men insist on getting her involved before she is ready; in the main, these couples usually fail before they start.
These men who fail ignore my advice and wait for her to want to take part.
They usually find it never gets better. She never wants to try, and if she’s still there months later, I see these men who rejected my initial offer now panicking because they know he made a mistake.
It’s now a thousand times worse.
Never wait for her to be ready – step up now and learn how to win her back
So, my message to men who are looking for an uninvested wife to be interested in taking part is that this is not a smart strategy.
What I have to do is help those men to step up so she can see changes that would have equalled what she always wanted to experience from him.
You see, she is far more likely to take part later if she can feel differently around him due to the changes he has made in himself.
It’s about him taking responsibility. Women know they are not perfect, but if their men are thinking that too it will simply turn them off.
One lady asked for a session with me after leaving her husband.
Her husband took the step to learn how to win her back on his own with me.
She said, “I have had him for fifteen years and couldn’t change him, but you have had him for four weeks. What on earth did you do to him? He has totally changed!
You see, I helped him understand how to connect to her so that she could connect to herself.
He never even knew that concept was even a thing.
All he did was change his energy to become emotionally attractive to her again, and that was gained through bringing a new and far more secure connection to her.
He felt like he was learning a totally different language and world experience.
You see, she isn’t broken…
Weaker men who won’t do it without her are really saying. You are the one that wants out; you are broken, so you’re the one that needs help.
It’s why many women send their husbands to me, and she won’t start until he understands his part in the problem.
She knows she can’t connect to herself in the way she needs to find him attractive whilst he is this way.
Men need to reclaim their masculine energy and bring to her the energy she needs to feel alive again.
A final story
A couple were sitting in my office in Harley Street.
I could see their energy had died.
So I asked for the start of their relationship story.
They told me he was enjoying a few drinks with his friends in a bar where his football team was playing.
His team won, and full of excitement and testosterone, he went outside and saw two girls walking down the street.
He walked confidently towards them, smiling and said, “I want you!” pointing at this woman who would eventually become his wife.
She told me that the first meeting was so exciting, he was decisive, he knew what he wanted, and he was attractive, charming, confident, friendly and powerful she felt swept away by his enthusiasm for her.
At that moment, she felt like a girl; she said not many men had had that effect on her; it was so special.
So I asked her, “So when did you feel this again?”
She said that’s why we are here; I never felt that again. I now feel like he is a child, and I’m his mum.
He looked at me blankly and said, “I have no idea what any of this conversation means.”
And his words to me are the point; men are not understanding what he has to do to bring the best out in her.
Men are not connected to the suffering she is in when the dynamic shifts, and she can’t find him attractive or love him.
This story of their first meeting was of two people in reaction and because they never questioned that moment, how it happened and what it meant.
Neither were able to bring that energy back into the marriage on demand.
One gentleman in a session said, what does connecting to herself even mean?
Attraction is a dynamic, and you must understand as a couple how to keep that dynamic alive.
So to all the men in this type of situation where she wants out or is making these types of noises.
Firstly you are not supposed to know what to do.
Secondly, if she is out or on the verge, if you don’t take action or give up, it means you’re both out, and that means the end of the line for that marriage.
So, if you don’t want the relationship to end, please review my questions again.
- Is she worth fighting for?
- Are you willing to do what it takes?
- Do you want to be able to look yourself in the mirror knowing you did everything you could?
- Will you follow what I ask you to do even if it feels counterintuitive?
If you said yes to all four questions and are ready to STEP UP, click here NOW!
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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