After developing a Marriage Breakthrough Program for couples in crisis and applying it to the man on the street, major celebrities, to business leaders and entrepreneurs.
Here are a few of the key principles I have learnt on this amazing journey with couples right on the edge of divorce.
1. The most important focus for any couple.
I have learnt that this decision is critical not just in maintaining a successful marriage, but an essential part of the relationship building process.
Put your partner first..! If your partner feels that anything is more important than them expect problems. What could affect them could be anything from the attractive single person in the office, to a seemingly non-threatening hobby. This is really important, no matter what, they have to feel they come first…
2. The second most important focus.
Couples in trouble find that they will have lost a sense of their own true sell in their marriage. If they live too long in this place low moods, loss of confidence, stress, frustration, anger can cause them to feel exhaustion. They will feel emotionally empty in their quest to save the marriage or escape from it.
Becoming the true you is the second key focus! Understanding who you really are and become the best version of you without fear creates a new way of thinking that enables the creative problem-solving process.
3. The future.
One of the most frightening feelings on the way to marital breakdown is when a person stops seeing the future, or the one they can see looks emotionally painful or unfulfilling.
Align with the joint vision for the future. When two people don’t plan their journey through life together they have nothing to work towards and so they lose mutual investment, trust and respect in each other as the reality or vision doesn’t match their expectation.
4. Learn all you can.
Even the most seasoned couples 50 years married discover they never really knew each other. Ironically they thought they did, only to discover their partners’ mind held a whole new world they never knew about.
Understand how your partner works. The desire and then ability to understand creates safer connections. If you don’t understand your partner this will create pain within them and misunderstandings between you.
5. What drives them?
One of the biggest misunderstandings comes when what drives your partner is not what drives you. This creates confusion and misunderstandings as your priorities will be different.
Learn what needs drive your partner. Not understanding this will only create friction and loss of desire to connect.
Every couple has differences, but the focus on the weaknesses rather than the strengths are guaranteed to crush any couple, but this generally becomes the focus when life starts to feel wrong.
Discover the differences that attracted you initially. Men and women are totally different without question. Discover your partners’ strengths on your journey through life together.
We have discovered that fears can help individuals disconnect from their true self. This causes an emotional disconnect from self as well as from each other.
Learn what you value and why. Learning what we value and how to align our actions with what we say is important is critical to not let destructive fears drive our decisions.
Our feelings good and bad are real, but what about the meanings we attach to our feelings? It is possible that our feelings can get attached to the wrong things if we assume our the meanings are 100% right.
Understanding your feelings and how to translate and control them so the right decisions can be made is critical to safely design your future.
9. Look for the truth
It is true that not all couples are compatible, however, getting confused between compatibility which can’t be solved and the many problems that can be solved needs total clarity.
The truth will set you free, it may be an old saying but it’s the truth. Too many couples would rather end their relationship than seek the truth as the truth can feel more painful.
10. Our thinking affects our lives
Many people are not aware their thinking creates behaviours which then leads to their future. So being out of control of their thinking creates out of control behaviours. Out of control behaviours create uncertainty.
Uncertainty creates fears and fearful people struggle to build secure, passionate relationships.
11. What’s my role?
It’s clear that many couples are not aware that their dynamic will create certain roles which will either work or will not work. The key principle is to discover what roles will free the relationship to go to the depth of connection the couple need.
12. Love all of me
When a couple accepts and loves their partner for who they are, they free each other to become the best they can be.
Relationships that are focused on growth and avoid judgment enable a secure loving connection. Judgement destroys trust and respect.
13. Sex life
What will kill your sex life? One of the barometers of a good relationship is a mutually satisfying sex life. So understanding the foundations and pitfalls is critical.
Most sexual problems are relationship problems and loss of sexual activity cannot be the focus to solve this problem because the pressure kills desire.
Many couples fight over money. If the money becomes the focus it’s likely to be a symptom of a deeper issue in the marriage.
Money is not a symbol of power in a relationship. True power is the ability to become magnetic to your partner.
An affair usually is a symptom of significant problems in the marriage. Of course, the discovery of an affair and the aftermath can become the immediate problem, but when a couples learns why a affair become the solution to a problem then they are armed to solve the problem.
Affair are symptoms of problems.
16. Stress, depression and anxiety.
What comes first the chicken or the egg? Did the stress cause the relationship problems or did the problems cause the stress?
Without a doubt, this can put pressure on a relationship and especially if the stress or depression actually meets the persons’ needs and so they need to keep it to feel safe.
17. Emotional detachment.
If one person becomes emotionally detached they have done so to protect themselves from fear. Understanding the truth behind the fear is the key to no longer needing the detachment for personal security.
Having a difference of opinion or perspective is healthy. What’s not healthy is making being right more important than your partners’ feelings.
The skill is to have conflict and grow closer from it.
Is this all I know?
These findings do apply to many couples in crisis, but every couple is unique and so is their relationship and their problems.
I now work only with couples in crisis and I have a unique body of knowledge that enables me to see the source of couples problems quickly, and this enables me to plan their recovery step-by-step.
This unique and strategic approach is applied differently to every couple if you are interested to see what your relationship is capable of achieving please apply here.